The Lizard of Oz: Chapter Twenty-Four
Captain Ahab
“In the witch’s poem, what’s suffer-time, Miss Shelby?” asked Gaynell.
“I’m sure that’s a mistake,” answered Miss Shelby. “The witch must have mispronounced the words. She said tooth when she must have meant truth, and suffer when she must have meant supper.”
When suppertime was over, Joan started brushing the whale’s one big tooth.
“You have to brush up on the tooth,” she explained. “Otherwise it’ll decay; and there’s nothing worse than having to go around with a false tooth.”
“Why are you wearing armor?” asked Mark.
“Oh,” answered Joan, “that’s moral rearmament.”
Kathy asked, “Is it made of moral fiber?”
“What a sweet idea,” said Joan. “No, my dear, it’s made out of stainless steel. That’s stronger and lighter than iron. And you can keep it immaculately clean with very little scrubbing. Cleanliness is next to godliness.”
She whistled Onward Christian Soldiers as she brushed up on the tooth.
“How did you get here in the first place?” asked Miss Shelby.
“Oh, I came on a lark,” answered Joan. “That big one right over there. I meant to go to Ome, but when I arrived here, I saw the error of my ways.
“I used to be a simple maid, scrubbing floors and pots and pans. Then heavenly voices spoke to me, telling me to fight the Lord’s battles. Unfortunately, the lord at the time was a weak-kneed king, who had lots of battles that needed to be fought. I knew I was performing the will of heaven, but all around me raged the hell of battle. The ways of God are mysterious. A body could get mixed up.
“When I arrived here on my way to Ome, the place was a terrible shambles. All these animals were rambling about, and there was no one to clean up after them. And the whale’s tooth hadn’t been brushed since Noah left.
“I said to myself, Joan, now who are you to be running off to sit in the light of God’s glory? I was never very comfortable with courts and kings and important people. So I probaby wouldn’t feel right in the presence of God either. And if I went all the way to Ome, I couldn’t turn around and go back, insulting all the nice people there and God himself. So I stayed here, and here I’m happy. I know my place. There’s work to be done, and it’s work I know how to do.
“Some interesting folks pass this way. Some decide to stay. Sometimes I feel like I’m running a half-way house: half-way to Ome and half-way back, with a bunch of half-wits. One goes around in his left mind, because he finds that one more comfortable than his right one. Another keeps trying to lose his marbles so he can have a marble-less time, but his friends keep bringing them back to him.
“It’s a strange crew we’ve got in our ship of fools. There are some, like me, who have never been to Ome, who heard voices and spent their lives following the mysterious and difficult commands. There’s a man from Penzance who was told to be a pirate. Someone else was told to be a writer of wrongs, and he’s written many thousands. Then there are the inorganic food eaters — they can’t bear the thought of eating any living thing, so all they eat is dirt and rocks.
“They’re all well-meaning folks, even the Captain; but they seem to have gotten something mixed up. God works in mysterious ways — especially when he uses words. It’s easy to mix up words. They can mean so many different things at once. Thank the Lord that I understood Him. But these others — some of them are pitiful; though far be it from me to sit in judgment. And then there’s the Captain… Well, speak of the devil…”
Everybody turned to see an old sailor with a peg leg standing at the top of the gangplank.
“That’s the ancient mariner himself — Captain Ahab,” Joan introduced him. “There are those who like his talk, who think it’s good for the soul. Well, I’m not one of them.” She went back to her brushing, ignoring Ahab as he walked down the gangplank in all his halting dignity.
“Gosh,” said Donny, “he’s got a false leg. Did he forget to brush it or something?”
Joan didn’t answer. No one answered. Not an animal stirred. Total silence.
Then Ahab announced, “All right, ye landlubbers, enough of fun and games. It’s suffer-time.”
All the animals rushed back inside the whale.
“What’s the meaning of this?” asked Miss Shelby.
“It means it’s time to suffer, missy,” declared Ahab. “All my life I was weeping and whaling, and weeping and whaling. Then a voice cried out to me, Suffer the little children, and I discovered the joys of suffering and making suffer. It’s good for the soul, I tell ye. All aboard — children first.”
Miss Osborne said, “I’m sorry, sir. Apparently, there’s been a mistake. We’re on our way to Ome, but it seems we’ve chosen the wrong way to get there. I made the mistake of believing a witch.”
“No back-talk, missy. I know my job. I’m here to usher ye into the very jaws of Hell. Now all aboard, I tell ye. If ye be feared of yonder whale, as well ye might, then ye should fear the fires of Ome a thousand times more. They’ll burn yer very soul.”
“Everyone in the car,” ordered Miss Osborne.
“Run if ye like,” said Ahab. “If ye think ye can. But ye’ll never escape the darkness within ye. The wise stay. They suffer for their sins and learn to love to suffer. They pay penance.”
Eugene said, “I’ve got a few pennies.”
Ahab laughed a wicked laugh, and everybody piled into or on the little green VW.
Miss Osborne hit the gas.
But she put the car in the wrong gear, and they were falling into the mouth of the whale, and the mouth shut.
Ahab’s laughter echoed in the pitch dark caverns of the huge white whale.
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Links to other chapters and the story of how this story was written.
