Don’t Worry, Mama
As a Mom I fear a lot of things. I had my first baby at a young age. I was 20 and alone. So many things went through my mind in the months before she was born.
I think one of the biggest fears we have as a new Mom, is “Will I know how to love them enough?” This is a fear that comes with each baby, whether it’s the first or fifth baby. You can be a single mom or sharing this experience with a wonderful partner and still be so afraid of not showing or feeling enough love for you new little person.
Even becoming a step/bonus parent can be pretty stressful. No matter what advice anybody gives you, your mind is made up to freak out. I’ve been there along with so many moms I know. Let me tell you, it was a feeling I couldn’t shake with each and every child that was about to come into my life.
The excitement of a new baby is overwhelming. You start reading baby books, name books, going shopping, planning this wonderful life and then it hits you. Usually during a restless night, “What if I don’t know how to show love? What if I don’t have enough love for this third baby?” Then, in that moment, you’re wide awake and your mind is racing. This is an experience that popped up a few times for me, especially with my first baby. She came and I fell in love. It was something that just happened immediately with her. I thought that it was ridiculous that I ever felt that way.
Then life went on and I was about to become a Mom of two. The fear was even stronger this time because I loved my little girl so much. How could I feel the same about a second baby? Then he came and I loved this little guy so much. He was an unhealthy little guy with a few struggles ahead.
I will be honest though, I suffered through PPD with him for quite some time. It was hard to show affection some days… to anybody. I was afraid to share my depression with people because I was afraid that they would think badly of me. Through that time, I knew I loved them so much but was struggling to be the Mom I was the first time. Because I loved my children so much, I realized I needed to talk about it and figure out how to feel better.
Fast forward a few years, I got married and added an older son and then two more babies later on. Each and every time fearing I would run out of that love at first sight feeling I had felt with each child before. I didn’t run out of love but I did have another struggle with depression. This time I addressed it much sooner and it was easier to talk about.
The fear of not having enough love to give was always present, with each child. It didn’t last though. I can say it easily when I’m not going through a pregnancy, “don’t worry, you will!” Although that’s true, it’s so hard to know for sure when you’re emotions are everywhere. The love at first sight feeling might not happen in that first few minutes, or even the first day. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. The feeling might hit you when you finally get a minute alone to shower and you hear your little one cry. Don’t worry, Mama.
This is a fear that connects all of us as a Mom. You will love each and every child that is yours. Whether you have one or seven, you have enough love. You will show enough and you will feel enough. There will be a time when you feel like your heart is so full of love that you can’t show enough affection fast enough and your kids will think you’re crazy, mushy, and overwhelming. Be that way. Kiss them, hug them too hard, tell them you love them. One day they will have the same fear as they become parents and they will look back at how you handled it and realize that love grows, and conquers that fear.
I have five kids that I love very much, even during the struggle with postpartum depression. Even on the days that it wasn’t easy, I loved them. If you are struggling, please reach out to somebody that can help. Remind yourself that you are full of love and it is enough.
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