I Don’t Want to Do this Anymore
I was recently scrolling through Facebook and came across a post from a friend. She was having a tough time helping her son, who has ADHD, with his school project. In her post she said “ I don’t feel like I was meant to be a mom”.
Let me start by saying this woman is an amazing person and Mother. She really goes above and beyond for her son. I have known her since we were still children, over a decade now. I can’t say enough how proud I am to see the woman she has grown up to be. At times I feel she is a better Mother than I am (I know that no parent is really better then another, but it still happens).
By the time I saw her post, the comments were filled with encouragement and praise. One comment stuck out to me and inspired this post. It came from a friend, who has no children, thanking her for an honest post. An honest post about having children and how parents seem to leave out the difficult moments of raising small humans at times.
So, being honest, I can say there have been moments were I have said:
- I don’t want to do this anymore.
- I am not going to make it.
- I suck at being a Mother.
- I don’t have the patience for this.
- Maybe I am not meant to be their mom.
Nothing brings these thoughts out more then when I am trying to go over a lesson with one of my kids. When they are not getting it and they aren’t paying attention to me. They get the answer wrong on purpose because they don’t want to do it. I can see that in those moments they are bored and anything seems more interesting then what I’m trying to do with them.
Then there are days I don’t want to be touched, a lot of that stems from the fact that I breastfeed on demand. My goal is to breastfeed until my kids are are 2 and my youngest is 15 months old now. When I think about the last 11 years of my life, I have literally given up my body for 9 years. It can be overwhelming to think about. At times I forget what it is like to just be here for me. Then the guilt kicks in. I feel I am less of a mother because I didn’t want my baby to touch me, when I know I am her only food source, or my youngest is only wanting mommy and I don’t want to be mommy that day.
One of the benefits with Homeschooling is we are not on a time line, this took time to understand. I have gotten a lot better about paying attention to my kids and when something doesn’t seem to be working we take a few days off from that subject. I spend that time researching other approaches and ideas.
This taking time off and regathering wasn’t the approach I always took. In the beginning I would be brought to tears thinking I was failing. I felt wrong for feeling the way I felt. I felt so insecure and unsure of myself as a parent and as a person.
Truthfully we all have our bad days. Being a parent isn’t always sunshine and daises. It seems like the people that say parenting is so much fun are the ones with grown children that have left the house. They somehow forgot all the daily stressful moments we go through.
The truth is those moments are easy to forget. Parenthood is full of stressful moments, yet they are out weighed by the moments that make it worth everything.
This is my truth. Being a parent is hard, it tests your patients, faith and trust in oneself. It is also rewarding, amazing, and a can reveal a side of you never before imagined. No parents is perfect, no matter what they tell you. However the only thing your kids need is your love, attention, care, consideration, and your best that day (even if its worse than the day before).
Do not be afraid of the rough moments. They happen whether you have children or not. Be excited for what you are accomplishing! You are raising a little person! If things get to difficult take a time out. For me I’ll let them go play and I’ll drink a glass of wine, coffee, tea, or have their daddy take over. Family is there to help use them when its needed. If you cannot go to your separate space, find a balance. That is what life is about.
I am proud to be a mother and a wife. When someone ask me about being both I am honest. Its not easy. It is hard and time consuming. Its trying and stressful. But it is the best decision that I ever made. If the only thing in life I accomplished is being a mother, then I am so happy and honored to be just that.
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