The Realness of Mom Guilt
So, the mom guilt is REAL! I can’t even begin to tell you how hard I am on myself sometimes. Am I doing enough? Am I teaching Aurora, my 3 year old, enough? Did I give her enough attention? Did I give Arabella, my 6 month old, enough snuggles? Did I let her cry to much?
Seriously… my list of questions could keep going but I don’t want to annoy you.
After having my second daughter, my mom guilt got worse. Little did I know it was also growing into an overwhelming anxiety. I also wasn’t aware that I had anxiety, having never dealt with anxiety this was all new to me. Honestly I felt absolutely insane!
I knew about postpartum depression already but I wasn’t actually depressed. After doing my research I found out there is such a thing as postpartum anxiety! Huh??? I have never heard of this or have never heard any one talk about it.
I know I know, this is such a taboo topic… simply because everyone wants it to be “rainbows” after having a baby.
In reality it’s a HUGE life change that happens, after EVERY baby you have. You suddenly are one person then you have this beautiful little human that requires your attention 24/7. In my case I already had a little demanding toddler who was used to it JUST being me and her all. day. long. At least while daddy was at work. I have to say that Aurora adjusted really well to having her little sister Arabella in the house. She loves her more than anyone will know. I seriously get tears in my eyes when I see them together.
Back to my point… I now have TWO Princesses who need me. -insert heavy weight on my chest- I did really well when Arabella was a newborn because she slept most of the day. Now she is getting older and wants to be involved more… it has become harder to know where to spend my time.
I am running a business from home, keeping up our house, taking care of the kids, helping my husband and trying to take care of myself. That’s a lot to do! I seriously applaud you single parents out there because you are amazing for keeping it together being TWO parents!!!
I know I am so so fortunate to be able to stay home with my girls. I will say that sometimes it’s really hard on me when I haven’t talked to any other adult in person… besides my hubby or the cashier at the grocery store in days. Let alone the fact that sometimes I haven't left the house in days! I often times get inside my own head during these times. This is when I start putting immense pressure on myself to get everything done and I try to become a “Pinterest mom”. I feel like I have to run errands, teach my daughter educational things, clean the house, nurse Arabella, cook dinner… and so on and so on. IF I miss one little thing during the day it seems to make me unravel. “Oops I didn't have time to make dinner… sorry looks like pbj or mac n cheese.” “Oops we watched TV all day.” “Oops we forgot to get xyz at the store!”
Choo-choo here comes the mom guilt express!!! Along with the HUGE anxiety caboose!!
There was a point that I had THREE mental breakdowns in ONE week. Something I have never in my life experienced. One of those breakdowns started with me yelling at the top of my lungs at my oldest Aurora for doing something she wasn’t supposed to do. What she did wasn't that big of a deal either. After I did it I felt like a horrible mom, she started crying immediately… at the top of her lungs.
Of course my husband comes home from work RIGHT AFTER she starts crying. At this point he has to deal with my crazy. I had SO many emotions flying around at this point that I felt like I couldn’t even think straight… let alone start dealing with this chaos I had started. After a few minutes I ended up yelling at my husband, him and my two children, completely innocent at this point. After doing that I locked myself in the bedroom to nap for over an hour, after crying for what seemed like forever.
Whenever something like this happens I feel so guilty for feeling anxious and letting my emotions get out of control. Why do I feel like I can’t handle this situation?? I don't want my girls to feel bad about themselves or think that I’m always crying.
Let’s just say that by the end of that week my house was a complete shit show. My husband was wondering what the heck he should do. All I could do with the kids is just snuggle them all day because I wanted them to know how much I loved them. I probably cried more than I should have then. As women I know that our emotions are usually at a high, throw in those after baby hormones, you could say that I’m still trying to find my normal now.
After opening up and truly communicating with my husband, along with the use of essential oils, my anxiety is down now. There are still days where I get panicked though. The days where I’m not sure how I can deal with all the things that need to be done. The days I just don't know where. to. start. I tell my self often to stop putting so much pressure on myself to have things be perfect. The house, dinner, my marriage, kids, business & myself are all stress points for my own perceived perfection.
If you are dealing with mom guilt that turns into anxiety you need to talk to someone. Get out of your own head! For me, even if it sounds absolutely CRAZY, I tell my husband or a close friend right away so they can bring me back down to earth. Sometimes I need a daily reminder that I am doing the absolute best I can for both my girls and husband. A reminder that that is enough.
My days now start with an affirmation of: I am enough. Who I am is enough. What I do is enough. What I have is enough.
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