To the Woman Who Loves Motherhood, But Doesn’t Feel Defined by It

Being fully immersed in the deep, sometimes treacherous waters of raising tiny humans is wondrous, yes—and occasionally overwhelming

I remember being in a conversation about working moms with a few people I know — comprised of both men and women — shortly after I had had my first child. I remember it so clearly because one of the men said, “If she’s working so much, what’s the point of even having children?” I was so taken aback. To me his comment screamed: Why would a busy working woman even bother procreating if she’s not going to dedicate herself wholly and completely to motherhood in every way, shape and form?

Like, if you’re going to be a mother, then just BE a mother. Be one with motherhood. Be all in. Forget about the other things. Right?

Wrong.

You know what I’ve realized in my five years of motherhood? When you throw yourself mind, body and soul into every. single. thing. motherhood, you’re likely going to lose sight of the uniqueness that makes you you.

Your “pre-mom” self is in the past along with sleeping in on Saturdays and spontaneous date nights. And the woman you thought you were now — this mom version of yourself — is buried so deep under diapers and goldfish and stuffed animals and to-dos and errands and responsibilities that she is struggling to stay afloat. Struggling to really see herself.

Being fully immersed in the deep, sometimes treacherous waters of raising tiny humans is wondrous, yes. But it can also be overwhelming and all-consuming. It can be exhausting and challenging.

Then, one day, your head will pop up above the surface and you’ll breathe fresh air and you’ll say, “Wow, it’s really beautiful up here, too.”And you’ll remember: Something will remind you that you’re a person, not just someone’s mother. It could be anything — maybe it’ll be the way your partner looks at you in that dress or maybe it’ll be what the yoga teacher said that struck a chord with you. Maybe it’ll be the writing class you sign up for or a new job or a new community or a new lease on life. Whatever it is for you — you’ll notice it.

And it’ll wake you up in a way that nothing else has since becoming a mother.

I find myself on a mission now. My mission is to discover who I am exactly. I’m not my pre-mom self anymore and I’m not just this exhausted, harried, overwhelmed mom-of-three. I don’t have to only be that. I can be a mother and… other things.

That being said, because I am a mother and… doesn’t mean you have to label me that way.

I have a job, but you don’t have to call me a “working mom.” I’m simply a human who works who also happens to be a mother.

I like to workout, but saying I’m a #fitmom seems unnecessary to me. I am a human striving to be healthier.

I have dreams and goals for myself that both relate to motherhood and have nothing to do with motherhood at all, but you don’t have to label me a “mom boss.” I’m just a human who wants to achieve certain things in life.

I am a Beyoncé devotee, but we can all agree it would be silly to label me a “mom-Beyoncé fan,” right?

Bottom line: I am more than the caregiver of my tiny humans. My worth is greater than the number of pickups and drop-offs I do in a week. I am deeper than the mountain of dirty laundry in the hamper. I am better than my meltdowns when I lose my patience and I’m worthy of cultivating hobbies, interests and passions outside of my role of “mom.” We all are. Attaching the word “mom” to everything we do contradicts all of this.

What I think I am finally starting to understand is that becoming a mother is a complete transformation that happens over and over throughout the course of our motherhood journeys.

We’ll figure out the mom we need to be at each stage of our children’s lives and we’ll figure out who we are exactly, eventually. Spoiler alert: It’s going to take time. And it’s going to keep changing. And we’ll be growing and learning and unearthing the truest versions of ourselves over the course of our lives — right alongside our babies.

The role of mother is of utmost importance to me. I am so proud to be raising my three children. I do get an immeasurable amount of fulfillment and joy from this hat I wear. But the other hats I wear? They’re so much a part of me, too, and a lot of them don’t have much to do with motherhood at all. It’s time our society starts valuing the other roles mothers have independent from motherhood because that’s where validation happens, and that’s how society proves motherhood is worthy. That’s how we feel seen. That’s how we get a seat at the table.

So, what was the point of having kids for that woman who works a lot?

To create another human being who she could help mold into an upstanding citizen of our future. To expand her family and lineage. To open her heart to the love that is caring for another person. To give her life meaning in a way nothing else had yet. Because, I suspect, she felt called to.

And what’s the point of her working so much?

To make money for her family. To feel validated outside of her home. To continue to learn and grow in her profession. To set goals, reach them and start all over again. To interact with other adults on a regular basis. To continue this part of her life that is so ingrained in her identity. To show her children that just like men, women can have successful careers, too. To give her life meaning in a way nothing else does. Because, I suspect, she feels called to.

But the even bigger point that stayed with me from that conversation about working mothers is this: Women, just like men and non-binary individuals — just like any other human on this planet — can make their own decisions. They can decide to be a mother or not be a mother. They can decide to be the primary caregiver for their children or they could decide to work a full-time job outside their home. They can decide to sign up for yoga teacher training, join a gym, learn how to paint, go back to school or whatever.

From looking around me at all the amazing moms in my life, I believe this to be true: Mothers can, and will, decide what is best for them and their families by themselves or with their partner. What we won’t do is wait around for a man, or anyone else for that matter, to tell us how we should be living our lives or to pass judgment on our choices.

We are mothers, yes. But we are also so much more.

And it’s time for society to start seeing us that way.