I Didn’t Set Up the Nursery
The decision to become pregnant after losing our first baby was an intentional decision that did not come easy for me. It took a lot of journaling, prayer, and conversations with my spouse for me to feel like I was ready. I wanted a baby in the home, but I knew this pregnancy would be high risk and the fear of losing a second child was very real for me. Up to this point, my only experience giving birth had been one of loss. Pregnancy after loss came with a lot of anxiety for me. Not only was this a high-risk pregnancy because of our previous loss, but I also unexpectedly had my own health complications that heightened the risks for both the baby and me.
It was during this pregnancy that I became hyperaware of the many questions that seem to only get asked when a person’s belly is obviously very pregnant. “How far along are you?” “Are you having a boy or a girl?” “Have you chosen a name yet?” “What is the nursery going to look like?”
It was the last of those questions that would send my heart racing. The nursery.
We were given many clothes before our baby girl was born. I planned on sorting them all by size and having it wonderfully organized by the time she was here. I felt I needed to be fully prepared, so it was important to me that I get things in order. The only problem was that I couldn’t do it. I would sit to fold a piece of clothing and then my mind would instantly think back to my first pregnancy, when I wasn’t able to bring my baby home.
Instead of preparing for this baby to come home, these attempts at preparing the nursery became sessions of worry. Would this baby be born living and healthy? Would this baby be able to come home with us? Would everything be okay?
Trying to prepare the nursery in the way that I had hoped felt crippling. I had an unspoken expectation that I would be able to set up the crib, get baby clothes ready, prepare a changing station, and hang decorations. Any time I started one of these tasks, I wasn’t able to follow through with it. I just wanted to know my baby would need the nursery first. I had to know she would be coming home and using it before I could set it up. I didn’t want the pain of taking the nursery down if my baby didn’t need it. It was the fear that I couldn’t keep out of my mind.
My inability to prepare the nursery did not shelter me against those popular baby questions, though. “Oh, a girl? She’s coming soon! Do you have her nursery all setup?” I would freeze, not knowing how to respond. “Umm, yeah, I’ve been working on it.” The questions were asked innocently, but it still caused a slight panic inside me.
I didn’t share these conflicting thoughts with anyone, until a close friend asked me about the nursery one day. “How’s the nursery set up going?” She had casually asked me. Not too long before, she had a baby girl of her own and prepared a beautiful nursery. With new paint, coordinating colors and decorations throughout, the nursery was ready for her baby to be in. So when she asked about mine, I was hesitant to share. I felt a pull to tell her what was on my mind, probably because this was a friend I truly trusted.
“Honestly,” I started, “I can’t do it. Anytime I think about it I get really overwhelmed. If I try to start working on it, my anxiety escalates like crazy. After losing my first, I can’t stop worrying about losing her too. Working on the nursery seems to make that fear so much worse for me. I really wish I could stop worrying about it!”
The short pause seemed longer than it really was as I waited for her to reply. “I think it will be okay if you don’t do anything with the nursery right now.” This caught me off guard. I couldn’t help but wonder where my friend was going with this. She continued, “When the baby comes, she’ll probably sleep in your room for a little while, so the crib isn’t important right now. You know she’ll need the smallest size of clothes, so you can just set aside some onesies for her to wear when she first comes home. You’ll have diapers and wipes all throughout the house to begin with, so a changing station doesn’t need to be ready right away. Everything you’re thinking of can actually be done after you’re home with the baby. You don’t need to do any of it right now!”
I listened in disbelief as I felt warm, soft tears fall down my face. Was it really that simple? I thought I was supposed to have things prepared and ready for when the baby came.
I entertained the idea of changing the way I was thinking about the nursery. My friend’s words made sense. I didn’t have to do anything right now. The next time I had thoughts come up about how much I had to get done in that room before the baby came, I reminded myself that it didn’t actually have to be done before her arrival. Things would be okay if I waited.
From then on, when I was asked that uneasy question of “How is the nursery coming along?” I would respond with confidence, “I’m taking it slow. It’s okay if it’s not ready right away.” I was finally starting to feel peace about the preparation we had done for her arrival.
My baby was born healthy and able to come home with us. There was no nursery set up for her and everything was okay. With help, after she was already home, the crib was set up, clothes were put into drawers, decorations were hung, and a changing station was prepared.
It’s interesting that the very room that used to induce such great anxiety within me, now brings me calmness and joy. I love playing with my daughter in her room. We spend time reading books, making silly sounds, and laughing. I often think of the family members who helped me set it up after her birth. Most of all, I remember with gratitude the friend who taught me that I didn’t have to do it all. I can maintain my mental health, while still giving my baby what she needs. This is the lesson I will always remember.
KELSEY CICHOSKI is a mother to two- a child in heaven and a child on earth. Her motherhood journey so far has consisted of being a foster mom to a group of siblings, losing her first baby to incompetent cervix, and then receiving a cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy treatments during her second pregnancy. Through these experiences, she has found peace through writing. She hopes that by sharing, you can also feel a little bit of peace. Kelsey is writing from Nevada, USA.
