4 Biggest Lies we Learn as Children
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ― Mahatma Gandi
Happiness is a tricky thing. We chase things, ideas, and people we think will get us closer to that goal, but they never truly do. Every time we cross a path, hundreds more appear before us. Before we know it, we are on the road to happiness once again; wandering travelers with no home in sight. Happiness is not a destination, but a state of mind composed of all the beliefs we have about ourselves and the world around us. Some of these beliefs empower us, while others keep us restrained. If we are to be truly happy we must deactivate the beliefs that hold us down, especially, those that were programmed into our minds during our youth. Here are 4 beliefs most of us learn as kids that hold us back.
1. Retirement Will Make You Happy
Retirement was a concept invented in Germany in 1889. It allowed the younger generation to join the workforce and more senior people to enjoy their last few years on this earth. However, life expectancy has increased significantly since then. Thus retirement morphed into a standby line to death filled with television and mid day naps. Quality of health seems to deteriorate during this time at an increased rate. This is typically blamed on the person simply becoming older, but is that the only reason?
With no purpose our brains begin to atrophy as the reasons to get out of bed in the morning no longer exist. Researchers at the Tohoku University conducted a seven year studyon 43,391 people in Okinawa; an island in East China with the highest life expectancy on Earth. At the end of the seven years, a little over 3,000 people had died. What they found was that the risk of mortality was significantly higher among the subjects who did not find a sense of “ikigai” (purpose).
Pay close attention the next time a news stories about a person that’s a hundred plus years old comes on the news. No matter their race, gender, or history, there’s always one thing that they all have in common. All of these people still work or volunteer in some way. Not necessarily for survival or for money, but for purpose. Even though their bodies are old, it’s clear their minds are sharp and spirits are light. Purpose is something that we need to our very last breath. No amount of money will ever change that.
2. How Much You’re Getting Paid for Your Time Is More Important Than Who You Spend It With
Take two people:
Person A: An investment manager in New York with a salary of $250,000 a year. He has a gorgeous apartment on 5th Avenue with the best views of the entire city. Too bad he never sees it. He works roughly 80 hours a week, but hates half his office. He has a 5 year old and a wife that he does not see much. His time is caught up in the political game of getting to the top of the ladder he will be thrown off of by the next guy. In the short amount of the time he does spend with his family, his mind is never really there. He thought about quitting a few times, but between his apartment, expenses, and attachment to his title, what is he going to do? He has gone too far to look back now and start over. He looks perfect from the outside, but feels like a slave on the inside.
Person B: He makes $75,000 a year, working 30 hours a week. He usually picks his kids up from school because he can. He is always exploring new ventures and interests. He acts out of curiosity and when he is somewhere he is fully there. His life is filled with people that he relishes being around and self care practices that keep him balanced. He sometimes has to deal with people he doesn’t like, but never gets too caught up in the weeds and uses empathy to diffuse situations.
Who is richer?
According to the Glueck Study, person B. The Glueck study was an 80-year behavioral study of 268 Harvard sophomores that started in 1938, which was then expanded to over 1,300 people. This was the longest social study ever conducted in human history, which included a diverse set of people, including, President John F. Kennedy. What it found was that quality of relationships matter the most to human happiness. Being in a place where we are constantly sacrificing good relationships for money may put us in a golden palace, but without anyone there, it’s more like a golden prison. Finding balance is easier said than done, but the longer we prioritize the wrong things the harder it is to turn back.
3. More Options Are Always Better
There are many examples of tech billionaires, such as, Mark Zuckerberg or the late Steve Jobs always wearing the same hoodie or turtleneck. They could clearly afford clothing, so why do they do this? Every decision we make requires mental energy. By eliminating choices, we reduce the stress on your prefrontal cortex. Most decisions we make during the day are small irrelevant decisions that can be streamlined. Does it really matter whether you wear these jeans or the other ones?
The more decisions we have to make, the less likely we are to make the right ones.
At one point, we all have spent more time choosing a movie than watching it or choosing a restaurant than eating there. We spend all this time deciding only to find that we want to cut the movie off after 30 minutes or that the good Yelp reviews of this restaurant probably came from people without taste buds.
When making big decisions, eliminating smaller ones and not looking back after a plan of action is chosen also makes a big difference. The cognitive dissonance to change a decision after it’s made (unless new information is available) will almost always result in the wrong choice. This is because our brain is thinking, “Don’t make the wrong choice.” Thus, the focus becomes on the wrong choice. It’s like telling someone “Don’t think of purple elephants.”
4. Never Seek Discomfort
If you ask most people what they want, they’ll say they want to be happy. Ironically, if you ask the same people when they felt happiest, it’s usually after going through a tremendously challenging experience. We are in awe of people that overcome great tribulations, yet we shun away from them when it comes to our own lives. Our brains are wired to keep us safe and do so by creating the lies we tell ourselves. These lies create self-imposed barriers stemming from either “Can’t Do” beliefs of “Don’t Want To” beliefs.
Can’t Do Beliefs: These usually manifest in some form of the question, “Why bother trying if we’ll never make it?” However, our perception of never is usually misplaced and grounded in fear; the same fear that dissipates as soon as we take the first step.
Don’t Want To Beliefs: Lying to ourselves and telling everyone around us that we do not want something, even though we secretly crave it. We may see a nice car and call that person materialistic and shallow. Do you we really believe that? Or is that something we tell ourselves while the jealousy eats us up inside.
Becoming aware of such beliefs and seeking even the smallest discomforts can take our lives to the next level. Seeking discomfort does not have to be quitting a job or jumping out of plane. It could be as simple as making eye contact with a stranger or saying YES to something completely random. Say YES to life and no to any belief that binds you. Awareness is the first step towards freedom and happiness.
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