Allowing Others To Decide
Why did I do it and still do?
Not all decisions in life are big ones. We all know that every day we’re on planet Earth is loaded with numerous, and seemingly insignificant, ones. Occasionally, big decisions do rear their scary heads. We probably do get plenty of practice, though, from dealing with a miriad of little ones. Most of the time, they’re simply nuisances we consider to be a normal part of living in our modern world.
Should we assume that a reasonable quantity of daily small decisions will help prepare us for bigger ones? I happen to be of that particular mind-set, silly as it may seem. Maybe it’s helpful to become desensitized. Why do far too many of us feel ill-prepared to make big decisions but can make tons of small ones. Likely it’s because we’re worried that choosing badly will have horrible, even disastrous results.
Maybe, like me, everyone lacks the self-confidence to feel they can charge forward and make important life-decisions without the slightest anxiety. That’s when those closest to us — because of my seemingly indecisiveness assumes we’ve invited them to decide for us.
I pondered that dilemma while I waited at my local coffee shop. I’d been waiting for what felt like an inordinate amount of time for my morning beverage of choice. “What will you have today?” Asks the barista. I’d been staring at the menu-board above her head for the entire time I’d been waiting. The line was ridiculously long.
I’m caught off-guard by her question. Not because I didn’t have enough time to decide but because I used my “line-waiting time” to bitch and moan to myself about why the hell the shop doesn’t have more than one barista during their busiest time of the day.
My turn, “Ummm, uh…what will I have? Uh, just give me a regular dark roast with room for cream.” Really, is that what I want or was I too indecisive to come up with something more fun? Surely, the latter. I mean, it’s not as though I wanted the barista to choose my drink for me, is it? Of course not! So why in the world do I allow others make more weighty decisions for me?
Is it something about women of a “certain generation”? Maybe it’s a chromosomal hard-wiring issue that even the brightest scientific minds haven’t quite nailed down to one-hundred percent certainty. Most women I know (myself included) second-guess themselves, doubt their decisions and repress those gut instincts vastly more often than do the men I know. And when those decisions are big? It’s much scarier to make the decision when having chosen incorrectly might result in a disastrous consequence. A boring coffee drink can’t hold a candle to that sort of issue.
Only recently, I experienced this exact situation. I was about to make a difficult (i.e. financial) decision and feeling the unpleasant anxiety and insecurity I have about my knowledge of business matters. I waffled and stall and ultimately conceded to the opposition — my husband. He prevailed by choosing a course that, in my gut, felt wrong. My husband prevailed.
Fortunately, while the results were not in the “disaster” category, they were in the “extreme annoying” range. I fought hard, and unsuccessfully, to control that most undesirable of my responses which can be nearly impossible to stiffle. And that is, “I knew this would happen! It was so obvious and incredibly predictable.” Okay, then why didn’t I simply insist?
What I’ve learned over many years of similar life-lessons yet still can’t adhere to often enough: if you’re having a strong “gut feeling” as it’s commonly called about a choice or an observation, go with it no matter the push-back you get from those around you — spouses and kids, especially.
As most of us do, I tend to dwell on my weaknesses, reprimanding myself for not mustering enough strength of character to persist. But my husband’s response provided the ideal example to me for managing a bad choice. In reviewing the undesirable result of his wrong choice — the exact one I’d predicted, was a simple one.
“Okay, I screwed up! You were right. Sorry about that.” And the next time, no matter how many time I have experienced such things, there’s a good chance I might cave in again but hopefully, practicing decision making by treating gut-instincts as legitimate could give me the confidence boost needed to feel comfortable making tough decsions.
On an end note: A forty-something corporate guy I’ve known for twenty years gave me an interesting suggestion. We’d been discussing our varying observations about how people in our lives — different generations, various socioeconomic background, grapple with making difficult decisions. “I’m generally pretty confident.” I explained, “But I don’t know why I worry about how I’ll be viewed if my decision turns out badly.”
His comment: “You need to think and make decisions by pretending you’re an upper-middle class man.”
