Being constructive and not beating yourself up
I would like to say that my life in many ways serves the important purpose as a warning to others. However, there is still time to make improvements. This is the point, there is always the opportunity to make progress. Progress is a constructive act, building a future rather than destroying it. Being constructive is a choice and there are options, no matter how painful. However, progress can be painful and uncomfortable.
The message of this article is that it is okay to feel negativity, but it is important to channel it productively rather than destructively. There are choices and there are things that can be done to change the situation. It just takes time. This is a personal reflection on my experience, and I hope that you can make some use of it in your life.
Narratives
Now, it is easy for someone to tell you to not beat yourself up. There are many feel happy and optimistic articles out there. Being down and trying to force myself to feel happy is both difficult and counter-productive. I just often feel worse. It is a type of guilt or shame for feeling how I feel, because I am told I should not feel this way. Looking around at the prevailing narrative is all about gratitude, positive attitude, feeling pumped, having unlimited energy, aims, goals, the perfect drive and perfect discipline.
But I do not have this perfect life and perfect discipline. This narrative does not represent how I often feel and it makes it sound like a personal failing or a lack of discipline that is now holding me back. There are times when I struggle and I fail. This prevalent narrative all around me has me feeling worse about my situation. I fail and feel bad; I make a mistake and I feel bad. These are my feelings. They do not stop being feelings because I am supposed to switch them off. Being told to switch them off, ignore them or have happy feelings instead does not switch them off. It does not help.
What does help, is that the prevailing narrative does not have to be my narrative. The world is imperfect, and so am I. I do not have to aspire to the impossible. Then the question arises? Am I setting my standards too high? Do I have unrealistic expectations of myself?
There are few moments in life that are make-or-break. Few skills cannot be learnt over time. Mistakes can be made and they represent where I am now. I can recover; mistakes, failures and the situation that I face is not permanent; this is the point; there can always be a next time. If I am alive there can be a next time. I can aspire to higher standards; but I do not have to meet them today. This is the narrative. It is a changing narrative. One where there is tomorrow, the expectations are of tomorrow, and I build for tomorrow today.
Now it is easy to provide some cliché; I wrote an article about why clichés are unhelpful.
https://medium.com/motivate-the-mind/my-battle-with-clich%C3%A9s-e6fccbb71193
Some off-the-cuff cliché from personal development is not going to help. However, there is a narrative that you can tell yourself, but it needs to be the right narrative. It needs to be honest, authentic and self-aware, especially with yourself. Some narratives may soothe the ego, but ultimately these are unhelpful. Helpful is facing reality and it is necessary.
But reality is always clouded by ourselves, our feeling and our perceptions. How we see the world is a direct reflection of ourselves and our mindsets. So, my perception has a direct bearing on my reality. How I see the world, affects my thinking of the world, which influences my actions within the world. Hence my narrative, affects my responses and my responses effect the behaviours of those that I interact with. Ultimately these create a feedback loop that can reinforce itself. This can lead to a downward or upward life trajectory.
People may make things worse — not everyone will be supportive of you. Many secretly will despise you and want to bring you down. Comments, control tactics or other self-aggrandisements may be done in your moment of weakness. Saying ignore them does not help. Feelings do not go away — they are not a light switch that can be turned on and off. But in all this, something constructive is necessary.
Very abstract and very theoretical so far; how does this impinge on my life and the question above. Feeling down from making mistakes can lead to a pity party, anger or other negative and non-constructive behaviour. People can make things worse for their own agendas. The feelings do not go away. But they can be used or they can fester.
Sometimes, these feeling help and sometimes they hinder. Bad feelings often tell us to do better. Bad feelings can be motivating if you let them. But a run of losses can hurt and affect confidence. This can lead to the dark side, and a major point of this article is to avoid the dark side.
The dark side is where nihilism lives; where giving up lives; where destruction lives. None of these are useful; and essentially, they just bring more pain to yourself. Feeling hurt can lead to feeling of anger and shortness with others; pain coming out can destroy relationships, reputations and lives. It just creates a cycle of more pain. None of which is useful. But this is just a statement, like many, are all easier said then done.
In my opinion the dark side is the problem of feeling helpless. The inability to change, and the lack of belief in the efficacy of change. It is the lack of confidence and belief. But there is always tomorrow where something different can be done. The point I feel is that in doing something different, the power of agency comes together. The act of trying overcomes helplessness as something is being done. It counters the dark side, it represents progress, even if it does not seem or feel that way.
Here lies the power: the story you can tell yourself, and what you can do about it. The opportunity that you can generate. Making mistakes are not fatal; something can be done to redeem the moment. A bad exam result can lead to a resit. A second chance. A bad interview will stop you getting that job, but there are many other opportunities out there. It is about resilience. Beating yourself up is the antithesis of resilience. It is about stopping. The nihilism solves nothing. So, the narrative now is about what is next, the opportunity to be generated, the second chance on the horizon. This is the basis of autonomy and self-efficacy. It is the story that getting more experience and doing something new can bring hope. It is the hope that can cure helplessness.
Moving towards constructive behaviour
Now, the point about feeling bad is not those feelings stop, but it does not have to be a pity party, it does not have to be a downward spiral to the dark side. The narrative can be about making the best go of what is next. A story of redemption. A story of choice.
All of life is a choice, but not all choices are good. Many are bad including choices between many unpalatable outcomes. But having something to work towards and faith gives a powerful message. They represent a vision of tomorrow, set by the constructive path today. This does not negate or ignore the feelings; they exist now and, in the moment. They are not fatal and they are not the story. There are just the moment and like all moments, they shall pass. Having faith and something to work towards can channel them productively in to what you are striving towards. This builds resilience.
Resilience can be a lonely place. From defeat to defeat can be very isolating. But it does not have to be. It is about letting people in. Many people’s lives vary, and different aspects of life will be better or worse at any moment. Not all of anyone’s life is a constant defeat, even if it may feel that way. There are aspects within a person’s control. This is the point, there are constructive actions, that need to be worked out.
The painful part is trying to understand what is wrong and doing something about it. Only by making changes can a problem be fixed. Only though honesty and objectivity can a problem be solved, so it is necessary to understand realistically where you are and have self-awareness. This is hard and involves confronting reality. It involves challenging the personal narratives we have of ourselves. At the core it involves taking personal responsibility for our lives and asking and answering the hard questions that we do not want to ask or answer. But it involves asking them objectively anyway and to ask others for opinions. Accepting criticism and working with it constructively is necessary for success. This forms the basis of being coachable, and the ability to develop.
These help to develop situational awareness. Some situations are easy to diagnose. Others are less so. Sometimes the only way to figure out what is going wrong is to experiment to find ways why it might be better. It often takes time, takes thought and a willingness to spend the time and thought. It involves effort and accepting that making small progress steps will eventually add up over time. It takes patience. But success will come in time.
Focus — generating momentum
A lesson that came to me early in life came when I noticed the times where life is good. I was happy overall and making the most of it. Not every part was working well but there was enough working well that life was pretty good. It was important to be realistic about the imperfections in life and to know the difference when life is good and when it is not going well.
Ignoring deeper philosophical elements, I noticed that there are aspects in life that were going well when life was good. Not everything, but there were clear wins. There was at least one a point of excellence, or what I could improve upon to excellence. As I focussed on that point everything else improved. Maybe this was the positive narrative I was carrying, the positive attitude; the associated wins giving confidence; the desire for progress. My focus was probably in the right place, fuelling positivity and growth.
The growth and positivity then probably, attracted beneficial things into my life. This made my life more attractive to others, and the skills in the successful aspects likely drew others in. Maybe they wanted a hand, and it was easy to do. Helping people made me feel better about myself, it brought a feeling of usefulness. It brought a feeling of belonging.
Now, what does this mean. Having that point of focus was a great starting point. It was the win. I had the self-awareness to understand of what I liked and did not and then took rational decisions on where to spend my time. The time was spent making a significant focused effort on a single or few points in my life. This focus brought some wins. Wins can be leveraged. As I started to have wins, these brought a winning feeling which begun a positive transformation. I did not have to win at everything, but what I needed was a few small wins and them I could leverage those wins.
Thus, having focus on a small area in life and making it better brought about change. Hence, the narrative, I can make decisions, have choices and get a second chance. I could find something not performing, diagnose it, make some changes which lead to improvement and progress. It was the making the progress that brought better feelings; it provided a lift. It demonstrates I can make a change. If I can make a small win there, I can make a small win somewhere else. If I can get a little momentum, I can build on it. Things then slowly get better. It is a slow but upward spiral.
This is the process that I have found works for me. Depending on how far I am off rock bottom, or it feels like rock bottom, determines what steps I need to take. Sometimes, if I have confidence, it is about the big changes, the challenges, the stuff that makes the largest impact.
However, with low confidence and on a string of defeats, it helps starting small. It helps to start with a small change like doing some organisation. This may not be the highest impact item, but it does show that I can do something with a quick and definitive output. If I wanted to learn about something I can read a book or go to the library. I can see some small impact quickly. It brings a small win that can be leveraged. I can point to that success, even if it is small. It is important not to dismiss them. They begin to add up,
Summary
I cannot stop my feelings; they are not a tap. They exist and I must live with them. However, I can choose my behaviours. I can choose my narrative. Often when life sucks, it is important to embrace and accept reality; this is the only way to address the situation. The best ways are to deal with feeling constructively, and looking for something to do in the situation. Trying is the only way out.
Often depending on how bad the feeling is, I can choose my focus. I can look for some small wins and leverage them. Life will never be perfect, but with a few wins, even if they are small, what can be leveraged from them can start to improve the situation significantly. But things take time, and often patience and persistence are needed most of all.
I hope this has been of some benefit to you. If it has, please feel free to leave a comment below.
