Forgive Yourself Before Forgiving Others
10 Lessons I Learned After My Breakup
The one thing I learnt in last few months after the worst breakup is forgiving myself before getting on the process of forgiving the other person.
So a bit of back story
I found the love of my life and spent 3 beautiful years. We had our differences but nothing serious. But as fate has it he broke up with me 20 days before the marriage. Reason being — we had a fight and I said some hurtful things. Even though I apologized my heart out to him but the damage was done. He did not give me a chance. Worse part is he did not even break up with me face to face. He simply told my father and I was informed about the breakup through my family. To be humiliated like that where I was not even included in the decision was traumatic in the worst way possible. The trauma of being treated like that gave me trust issues and I went down a spiral of guilt and shame.
Since I felt it was completely my fault I couldn’t bear looking at myself. To think i ruined his life and ruined something so good took a toll. I couldn’t get out of the house without getting a panic attack. I constantly blamed myself. There was a time when I even felt like ending my life since I was this evil person. I stopped working and completely shut off.
Work on yourself and heal
Finally I decided to take therapy. The best decision I made for myself. You see all this time i was only considering his emotions and his feelings disregarding the pain I was also going through. I got to know that I was so absorbed with guilt to the point that I forgot making mistakes is part of being a human.
What matters is owning up to your mistakes
In a fit of rage I said some hurtful things to him. I accepted my mistake and apologized my heart out. I gave it my all and put aside my self respect to save the relationship. It was his decision to end the relation in such an ugly way. I completely forgot the insulting way he treated my father. I completely forgot why we were fighting in the first place. I completely disregarded that he was not this perfect guy and was always manipulating me with words without any action. I didn’t realize that it was both of our mistakes rather than just mine.
It’s easy to make the other person feel bad about themselves if you know that they have self image issues that makes them question everything that they do. I had that and I always felt inadequate. He knew this about me and used it against me in the end to break me emotionally.
What I am learning
1. I am a human and i am allowed to make mistakes. Owning up to it and working towards it is what counts.
2. Realizing I am not perfect and it’s OK to have setbacks. Just get up and keep moving forward.
3. Never put aside your self-respect to save a relationship. Real love will never make you feel small.
4. If your partner wanted to be with you, he/she would be by your side trying to fix the situation instead of simply walking away.
5. You cannot force someone to love you and understand you even if your intentions are pure.
6. Pause and reflect before reacting when you are angry. Your words have the power to make or break someone.
7. Instead of blaming the person, blame the actions. Be kind and compassionate while understanding their perspective too.
8. Learn to accept your mistake. Be open to yourself and remind that you are a human and bound to make mistakes. Acknowledge your flaws and work to better yourself.
9. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with the person, focus on what is right with them.
10. Forgiveness takes time. First forgive yourself and then the other person. Being bitter and playing blame game will only harm you.
