I had failed .And you didn’t wanted to but you did.
I had tried a bunch of times and it didn’t work most of the times. I was receiving feedbacks which I didn’t want .It was negative.
I had completely shutoff my mind as it seemed.
Later I realised what was happening was not sudden it was pile up all the things I had ignored or overlooked in my journey. You were bound to fail — said the rational voice.
To Grow or to not grow was a choice taken up by many of your predecessor in the past .
Why are you not growing ?
Why am I not seeing any results from your side ?Are you even trying were the words I had heard all the while , back in the past .
When I didn’t even know what exactly was wrong with the things I am doing in my work ?
After a bunch of trials and errors I had gone back to the same state of mind unable to comprehend the situation I was in. With you constantly crying , complaining and blaming the situation your in. It’s like your going to cry over little things. May be you have become so soft and your tolerance level had decreased — is what I had thought.And my mind hadn’t corrected me back then .
The mind had accepted this state of permanence .
Later I had realised that I becoming habitual of the state of permanence. And it was beginning to haunt my mind.
Untill it did .Untill I had lost my former self. Untill I had lost my values that had sustained me . Till I butchered my character that I had built over time.Till I lost my habits one by one . Till I had lost my identity and my complete being.I had becoming something am not .
What I was now I don’t recall this person — When I looked in the mirror I had cracks in my inner self .It felt beyond reparable.Wanting to hide was my stance.
It’s terrible when you’re unable to judge the situation you’re in and unable to find a solution your in .Your rationality might have taken a toll on you .
May be your mind has forgotten the concept of growth all together.And it’s functionality is gone all together — is what I had thought .
May be the concept of efforts behind every little improvement have been forgotten all together.
I had even compared the short term whimsical growth and Long term growth when I had encountered it on the first go.
My conversation with my mind had made me decide that the instant growth would be the state I would have preferred if I was of sound mind back then.
I didn’t even fight back if this was all the things I had adjusted to.
Nothing was new in it with me beginning to adjust to things I didn’t like.
I was tired of chasing around things that I was failing in.And I had stopped fighting.Adjusted because I was starting to believe this the reality that is becoming and ongoing.
I had dreamt of instant growth and thoughts that pondered long before changing my mind .
Always coming back to the same state of my mind.
As I lay in bed.
A ray of emotions keeps on coming as I sleep .
Fin.
— Smita Sinha
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