Have I Not Forgiven Enough?
Where does the cycle of forgiveness start & end? How do we know when to stop?
Remember a time your mind seemed imprisoned in someone’s thoughts? Someone you didn’t end terms well with & you kept processing the events repeatedly?
This could have been a significant ex for some of us, an old friend we’re not in touch with now, a friendship where the warmth has drifted (“we’re not that close anymore”), someone from work, or a neighbour — anyone who had a substantial bearing on our life.
Initially, we may have tried to let go of them by shrugging off their thoughts. When the thoughts persist, we refer to the many self-help nuggets we consume every day & conclude that forgiveness is the answer. We then try forgiving the person with the little knowledge we have on what it means to forgive. So that we can live with ease, at peace. We learn to forgive them for their actions & ourselves, for ours.
Does the itch stop then? Yes, to some extent. Phew!
But some of those thoughts — the ones that make their shortcomings apparent — still rekindle our memory. As the remnants pop their heads, they leave us wondering, ‘Did I not forgive enough?’, ‘How many more times must I forgive?’, ‘How can I forgive further?’, ‘Why is this still bothering me?’ and so on.
How to continue Forgiving?
(If any of the above resonates with you, the rest of the article may draw your interest. However, if you don’t have trouble forgiving, you’ve either mastered the art of forgiveness or have found ways to shut down triggers of uncomfortable thoughts. You may then read the following at your discretion.)
As life is a puzzle to keep solving, we can only continue searching for the answers. Fortunately, for me, the Universe sent a messenger in the form of a friend who gave me some tools to figure out my answers & also created a safe safe as I embarked on this endeavour.
These are the tools that I now use with myself. I share them with love. But sI urge you to use these only as a reference material for your journey. Trust that when you’re ready to go down this journey, you will be guided with the right tools. Ready?
#1 Acknowledge the journey inwards
Physical wounds like bruises, scrapes & cuts heal gradually & not in one swoosh. It’s the same with forgiveness — we can only heal one layer at a time.
When I am triggered with thoughts that I believed I had processed completely, I look at it as an invitation (yet another invitation) to go deeper within me to heal some more. This time, maybe to look at the wound from a perspective I hadn’t considered earlier.
This is akin to looking for the weeds to be plucked. The awareness that there’s still some message/learning for me reduces the anxiety of a mystery.
#2 Ask myself what I intend to forgive this time?
The triggers are a reminder to assess what I want to heal each time & why. This is where my thoughts branch from the outer skin to the deeper tissues of healing.
The first few times, my what & why were at surface-level: I accept that this person & I are now distant. I want to forgive them because their thoughts burden me unnecessarily.
It may seem shallow that one forgives just for that ‘feel good/feel light’ factor. But that’s a good place to start instead of feeling stuck. Gradually I ask myself more leading questions: Why do I not feel good with the distance?
A whole new conversation that crops up every time. Samples:
· I didn’t apologize to them for my actions & so it bothers me.
· I see that their actions towards me were my actions towards another person at another time. The mirror image is now clear & I’m shocked at my behaviour.
· I didn’t speak my truth back then. I’m disappointed I didn’t honour my voice.
· I’m not upset with them anymore, but I really don’t feel as close as before. Should I feel guilty about this?
#3 Reflect on the learning
In case, it’s not clear yet, all the conversations mentioned above eventually point to some restlessness within ourselves. Some part of us that we’re yet to make peace with.
I started reflecting on the revelation from the messages (they were present all along but I wasn’t ready to face them yet). More leading questions & more introspection follows. In other words, I’m noticing the depth of the weed I’m supposed to pull out to cleanse myself. Except that, with every chance, I’m getting better at recognizing the weed within.
And here comes the next challenge — making peace with the weed that exists within us so that the clearing is easier.
#4 Acceptance of what happened
Be it our equation with ourselves or another person, in order to wholly & gracefully accept the present, we must be able to own up to the past. That means acknowledging one’s own actions & the other’s.
This is not to say what happened was okay; rather to accept it did happen, the lesson is clear & the memory can now be discarded for good.
Here’s something I didn’t see coming. I am okay with some shortcomings in myself & others (and even patting myself for normalizing the acceptance of flaws). But it turns out that I am merely playing a game of favourites with flaws.
We must be honest to ourselves so that we can notice as many weeds & pull them out sooner. Our greatness doesn’t lie in forgiveness. Rather it’s in embracing that we are all flawed & learning to be better. It’s in knowing that we cannot pick & choose the flaws we’ll be okay with, in another person or ourselves.
#5 Release what’s not in your power
Mostly, we intentionally stop ourselves from contacting those we’re in conflict with. Deleting/blocking numbers or worse — retaining the number for keepsake because we don’t know what else to do.
I’ve learnt, with time, that it’s okay not to know the best course of action on a burnt bridge. I still am hesitant about checking in on a few people & to those, I send my silent prayers & regards.
To the bridges left, with at least a few shreds but without deep emotions, I am uncertain of my role. For now, I keep my communication channels on in case they want to reach out for something; I aim to show up with more grace. Some days, I win. Some days.
I acknowledge that learning from my past & using it in the now are the only aspects in my control. For the moment, I release my uncertainties to the Universe knowing well that I will be guided when it’s my time. Maybe someday I’ll know enough on rebuilding bridges & then I’ll tell you what I did.
My dilemma with forgiveness has shown me that there’s more to heal within myself. Because our external world simply reflects our turmoil on the inside. Essentially, forgiveness is releasing ourselves from our past so that we can fully experience the present.
When there comes a day we can truly experience the present for what it is, that’s when we will have completely forgiven. Until then, the cycle shall be in motion.
Quoting Rumi,
“An elephant was led to a well to drink. Seeing itself in the water, it shied away. It thought it was shying away from another elephant. It did not realize it was shying away from its own self.”
I look at my truth-seeking as my attempt to meet the Universe halfway — by deliberately looking into myself for my vulnerabilities — so that I will be guided into releasing the past. I shall continue pedalling my way, hopefully with more grace every day.
