I Have Been A hypocrite
And its time to admit it
It has been two years since I have lived without a job. In the beginning, it was fun as I wanted to really enjoy my new married life and give myself a mental breather. But that turned into chronic laziness and I did not even realise it. All this while, I carried this dream of becoming a real writer which in my mind was being able to sustain my life with my writing. And I had time and luckily my husband wanted to also give me the space & opportunity to write by taking care of household expenses. I still, did not become a writer — not even close.
I mean, I did write ( a lot sometimes ) but always without any focus, goal, determination, or with consistency. This also made me very good at one thing — finding the reasons why I was failing.
My health, our traveling, my Indianised English, and a general lack of knowledge in this area. I have been a writer for more than 10 years but every time, I have been stuck in the same loop of starting with Zeel and then not following through. But I am really a hypocrite, I have been let down as a writer and as a goal achiever. I have also let down people who have kept faith in me and have waited for my success as a writer.
This Has To Change
Success as a writer is not in my control but what I can do is, be consistent and show up at my desk.
I have come to terms with the fact that I am a perfectionist and I wait for things to be perfect before I do anything. It also comes from my fear of failure that stops me from pursuing anything that can bring me face-to-face with the feeling of failure-
Too few views, too few comments, too many bad comments, lack of drive, ideas & knowledge.
Things are never going to be perfect and all I need to trust the process. Today, I really dug deep and asked this very important question — why do I want to be a writer? The answer is that I genuinely feel I have something good to say and there is no benefit coming out from staying quiet. I know in my heart that this is my space, that I am a writer, and yes outside accolades, money and authority on the subject mean a lot but at the same time, what would you be doing if those were not present?
I would be writing. So I am done playing small and here I am finally starting my medium journey once again.
What can you expect
last year, I publically announced the embarkment on the big 40 goals I have before I turn 40. You can check those here. The deadline for the goals is my 40th birthday which is in 347 days. I write about the gritty process of working through those goals in a daily post and you can subscribe to that to really see what exactly goes in the process. It is raw and my utmost honest self.
The fact is, no goal is ever achieved in a single day or in a mind-shattering moment. It takes years to cultivate habits that make you that person you are proud of and who is the role model of the younger generation. Whenever I read or hear about people who changed their lives, I wish that I could go back in time and see them in those moments that were probably really challenging.
- How did they deal with sickness?
- What exact things they did do when they had a fight with their spouse?
- How did they manage their energy and motivation for the long haul?
- How did they really make themselves into the person I read about in that book or heard about on that podcast?
- What was their process? Their nitty-gritty stuff?
All of that will be here for you, my lovely reader.
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