I Have to Be Okay with Being by Myself.
No one likes to be alone and especially not, to feel lonely. By itself, it could be a painful feeling, like a pang in your chest you could actually feel physically.
Loneliness could not be measured and it is — most certainly — not comparable to other people’s.
Feeling like we are living our day-to-day business alone in this universe with no one to share our joys nor sorrows with could lead us to question our value to others and where in life do we belong.
As humans, we are all naturally sociable beings. We need other people to survive. Be it for those farmers harvesting your daily vegan options, or those Uber drivers picking and dropping you places, or that store clerk around the corner where you usually buy your pack of cigarettes.
Loneliness could be overwhelming sometimes. And more often than not, it could be tiring.
There had been days where I felt like the world is against me and all I wanted to do was just to come home to my person — but no one’s there.
There were days where I wanted to sort my problems to my closest friends for I felt like it is just too much for me to handle — but I’m afraid that I would bother them with my woes.
There are days where I wanted to share all the good news happening in my life with my family — but I think that they would not care enough.
And so I stand back and just kept it all to myself.
Tracing it back, the loneliness I feel did not just come around whenever I’m alone. I could feel lonely even when others are in my presence.
I could be with my friends, having a quick brunch for a catch-up session yet, I could still feel lonely.
It’s not like I feel misunderstood, unloved, or unwanted by my companions; family, friends, or just straight-up peers. It’s just, sometimes, I feel like I don’t think I have anyone with whom to connect or speak freely to.
And I have never felt lonelier than for these past couple of months.
Indeed, I have friends. I have a well-paying job with common peers to jolly up my days. I have complete family members that support me. I have a select fair share of men companions to fill up my boredom.
But I still feel completely alone.
Sure, I could smile and laugh with my comrades in the afternoon, but as soon as the sky began to change its colours and I’m back home, alone, the loneliness comes creeping in.
And sometimes, even when I‘m surrounded by those wonderful people who care about me and love me, the fact that I could still feel isolated, lonely, and misunderstood is not off the table.
And that was the point where I realised, my loneliness comes from within me.
My loneliness emerged because I have not been content with being by myself.
It‘s only natural that there are days where I feel like retracting from the world, go M.I.A.. But, there are also days where I feel like I can’t be left alone with myself; like I needed someone.
It‘s a fact that sometimes I still feel uncomfortable being on my own and most of the time, I could not even understand myself.
And this is probably why most of my relationships (well to be precise, all, since I am now completely single) have failed.
I relied on them to not feel lonely.
I responded to their texts in order to feel included.
I answered their calls in order to feel needed.
I went on dates with them in order to feel wanted and to have some company after many nights without.
I could not recall the last time I am completely by myself.
I have always had someone around me to make me feel less alone. No need to be a relationship of some sort – but still, there was always someone. Lingering.
It’s not that I was a codependent person, I still find joy outside of relationships, I still have my own values, personal identity, and interests outside of relationships, and sometimes I don’t even like that feeling of being entrapped when you are in a relationship.
The fact that you have to tell them where you are going, with who you are going, and how late are you going to be; sometimes suffocated me.
But alas, I always feel like I needed someone and I depended on them to feel less lonely and to be happy. But, that is not healthy.
The more I grew up, however, the more I perceived that no one is entitled to you. No one is responsible for your happiness nor your loneliness.
You can’t expect people to always be there for you. And as William Shakespeare said many years ago,
“Expectation is the root of all heartaches.”
And yes, I must say I agree with that, and to add to the quote — kills.
It kills us the first time when we set this mindset and to then wait for the same things we did for people.
It kills us the second time when we wait and wait and expect yet, we don’t really get what we wanted. Heck, anything.
Leaving us all at the end with the sheer form of a disappointment for deep down, we know we shouldn’t really expect anything from people but most times, we just can’t help ourselves.
Looking back at my latest link with this certain guy, I realised just how much expectations I put on him.
Not necessarily an expectation for a serious relationship of two lovers but, an expectation on how he could fill this void inside of me. He’s everything that I have ever wanted and more.
The days and nights I spent with him were so easy and I could say that he helped me go through my weeks and months even without him realising it. Just by knowing that he was there, that was enough.
He gave me the strength I did not know I have. He gave me comfort that I did not know existed from people. He awed me in every way possible that it was inhumane.
He taught me that my feelings are valid; that it is okay to be afraid, it is okay to break down and cry, it is okay to put myself before anyone else, and it is okay to be myself.
In the sea of my trinket of thoughts, my loneliness, and — the all too familiar — anxiety, he made me feel seen and heard; without him even trying to do anything.
He made me feel like I have a friend that understands.
And that’s why I fell for him. Hard.
But alas, expectation is the root of all heartbreaks.
So, when he abruptly left, leaving all these traces of him behind and me stunned and shunned, I could clearly feel the shattering of my heart breaking — again and again.
How would it not? I put so much weight on my own expectations; hoping he could heal me, hoping he could take care of me, hoping he could fill the emptiness, hoping he could love me.
Hoping on the what-ifs and the could’ve-beens.
And as much I wanted to blame him for all of those, I could not.
I shut off and retract from everything. All I could think of is just how much I wanted to be alone; to just burn and bury this swarm of emotions I’m feeling.
Sometimes though, painful things could teach us lessons we don’t actually know we needed. At times when I was linking up with someone, I considered them as my source of happiness.
I suppose that’s not entirely wrong, but what I did wrong was thinking that I could not be happy without them. That I would only feel this emptiness and loneliness inside me if they left.
But, from one painful thing to another, from any other guys to him, I learned and realised that I can be happy too. I must be happy with being alone.
Facing things alone is quite scary, one I must be able to do for nobody else would be there except for me.
From him, I learned that I must be able to accept myself. I must be able to be alone with myself, embrace my feelings, my thoughts, and all that comes within.
Accepting myself as I am, finding contentment in being alone, going as my day, has never been easy, but I’m actually learning to forgive myself and to welcome what is me.
“Too many people falsely believe that a relationship will bring them happiness, but the truth is you can’t be happy in any circumstance until you are happy with yourself first and foremost.” — Jacob Lund
I’m learning that not always when you are alone, you are lonely. So long as you enjoyed the time you have with yourself, you are going to be okay.
From him, as well, I learned that spending time with myself more to get to know myself more is probably what is best for me right now.
I’m dwelling myself in work; adding some more freelance stuffs to my daily hustle. I’m writing more; to express my feelings and to avoid overthinking things. I’m observing my surroundings more; to be more understanding and emphatic. I’m avoiding social media; to have some peace of mind and to not compare myself with others.
I’m focusing on myself. To be a better me. To love myself a little bit better. To be okay with being by myself.
Sure, it might get a little lonely sometimes but it’s a part of the journey.
But, I’m coping.
And I’m trying.
And I hope you would too.
