I Numbed Myself So I Wouldn’t Cry
So that they won’t call me a “crybaby”.
Crying has always been seen and stigmatized as a weakness. Growing up, I’m surrounded by everything telling me to be strong. Family, friends, teachers, the media, you name it. Strong is good. Weak is bad. And when you’re a girl, the stigma of crying sticks to you like gorilla glue.
Girls cry all the time. That’s all they do.
They suck at handling stress because they cry whenever there’s a problem.
They cry over everything and nothing. That’s why they can’t be leaders.
Girls are way too emotional.
I didn’t want to be those kind of girls. So when I was a teen, I trained myself not to cry. I’ve gotten really good at it.
Today, I’ve embraced the act of crying. I no longer see it as a sign of weakness. To me, it’s a sign of strength. For various simple reasons.
You’re not bottling up and shoving down your true feelings.
You’re letting it out.
You’re managing your emotional and mental stress.
You have the courage to put yourself first above caring about what other people say.
You’re responding to what your body and mind need.
I cry when I’m sad, angry, frustrated, and overwhelmingly happy. Tears are also shed when I rejoice with others or feel their pain. Yes, I know. I cry for everything.
When I’m happy, it’s the rush of gratefulness and bliss that triggers the tears. When I’m sad, it’s the gnawing pain in my heart and lump in my throat that breaks the dam.
Whenever I’m frustrated, I feel a surge of emotions. Anger, distress, agitation, fluster, and panic. I can’t articulate myself when I speak. I get tongue-tied. These emotions would bubble from the bottom of my belly up to my chest and then my throat. The more I try to push it down, the more I break.
But that’s just my process of grieving and healing. And I’ve learnt to accept that about myself. When I get upset, I cry. After the release, it feels like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. After calming down, I can analyze my issues with fresh eyes. Even though I’m tired from all the crying, I’m able to think more positively and act on what I have to do. I’m also more focused.
Or perhaps, it’s the fatigue of crying that calmed the storm in my head. I’ll never know.
And crying doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a damsel in distress. Sometimes, I have the answers. I’m just too overwhelmed to move on so I need a release first. If I don’t, thoughts would keep swirling in my brain, distracting me from my tasks. My emotions would simmer within while I try to get my mind and hands going.
Vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s strength. When we were dating, my husband wasn’t afraid to cry in front of me when he needed to. (No, it wasn’t a technique to get me.) It was his ability to be vulnerable with me, to be honest with his feelings, and not be all macho that caught my heart. He didn’t care for the ignominy of “real men don’t cry”. He was true to himself and his feelings.
We all have our own process of dealing with our emotions. If it’s not crying, maybe it’s going for a walk or going to a gym to punch out all their frustrations. It’s better to cry than to be violent and take it out on someone else. It’s better to deal with your emotions than suppress them and explode at an innocent friend or family when you’re at your last straw.
Crying is the greatest natural stress relief our body and God (if you’re religious) have given us. An emotional and mental coping mechanism that society somehow has turned into something to be ashamed of. Crying is something we and science can never understand. As long as you’re human, you can never run away from it.
But here’s the thing. Crying doesn’t define you. My acting teacher once said, “It’s just an emotion. Feel it, and let it pass. It’s just a form of expression. It is not you.” And that moment will be in the past.
With that said, do I like crying? No. Especially when it’s over something not worth crying about. I’d feel silly. Like crying over how iCloud gave me more problems than solving my MacBook Pro storage issue and changing my system. But I can’t help it. Am I going to beat myself up over crying? No. It’s pointless. Because I needed it. Or the self-blaming would never stop. It’s just a way to liberate the insurmountable emotions I feel.
So if you need to cry today, do it. Regardless of gender. It may help you feel better. It may not. As much as you deny it, you also need it.
Do it and be proud. Because this is for you.
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Instagram: @casswildcat, @justwildcass
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