I Think I Love You (Part I of III)
How becoming vulnerable changed how I viewed my self-worth
Growing up, I felt like people were always dangling their love and affection in front of me just slightly out of reach, hinting that maybe if I tried harder to please the person or was more interesting, the prize would somehow be attainable. The thing about growing up in that type of environment is that I grew up feeling like I was never enough in anyone’s eyes, and so I always tried to do the most. The classic overachiever, I also stayed in toxic relationships way longer than I should have, and found myself steam rolled to the point I often kept my thoughts and ideas to myself. I hid the quirky parts of me that enjoyed gaming, writing stories and poems, my ideas on social/current events. The ironic thing is that I did have a few people who tried to love me sincerely, but the concept was so foreign to me, I deemed the situation unsafe and pushed them away. Instead, I pursued (and often entertained) emotionally unavailable people in hopes things would be different, and often wondered why I felt alone, which in turn made me feel crazy. How could I be lonely when I have so many friends and a guy who looked so good on paper? Many will argue with who said, but I’d like to think it was Albert Einstein who said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” I felt like I was going insane, and fell into a sort of depression.
With the professional help of someone, I was able to recognize what healthy relationships and boundaries looked and felt like. I’m beyond living that life of chasing people and things who fail to meet me halfway. Those relationships are lonely, and they suck. More importantly, I realized my view on self-love and worthiness was pretty non-existent. With that in mind, I’m on a quest to fall in love with myself, which I know in turn will lead me to the kind of relationships and people who love freely without manipulation. The problem was I spent so much time trying to be the perfect person for someone else, I lost track of who I was and what things made me feel alive.
I read an article from the New York Times called 36 Questions That Lead to Love, where you can theoretically fall in love with someone through a series of questions. I’ve actually gone through the questions with a couple of guy friends, and although we didn’t fall romantically in love with each other, we were able to hold a space with each other to be completely real and honest, and in turn became closer emotionally. After that experience, I wasn’t afraid they would leave me emotionally stranded.
What I also learned from that experience is I want that feeling for myself for myself. I want to be able to trust my gut and intuition completely. If things don’t go as planned, I want to talk to myself compassionately, regroup and move forward. Ultimately, I want to be with a man, who looks at me with hearts in his eyes even though he thinks I might be a little extra at times. I want someone who I can trust completely to love and accept me in times of growth, and I for him.
Let’s dive in to these questions and the process. Overall, there are three sets of questions that go up in level of intimacy. According to the article linked above, 36 questions to fall in love was based on a social experiment led by Arthur Aron and his team. The study intended to prove a theory that two strangers could fall in love through a sense of reciprocal vulnerability. Each person takes turn and asking the same question to their partner. The exercise then concludes with staring into each other’s eyes for two minutes.
Being the overachiever that I am, I pretty much aced all my tests growing up. However, I have a feeling this is different, and I’m a little nervous. Things are about to get real here, people. Buckle up folks, this might be one bumpy roller coaster ride.
Set I Questions:
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
–> I would love to eat dinner with the current Pope Francis. I love that he’s real and honest — not to mention funny. I admire how he overcame adversity in his life and even now without his heart hardening to the world. I would also ask him about his life as a bouncer, and the work he did with the underprivileged youth. If things got really deep, I would also ask if he ever thinks about the girlfriend he once had, and daydreams about an alternate universe where they were together.
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
–> A part of me would like to be famous for making a difference in this world–like Nobel Peace Prize famous. Overall, I’m okay with being inner circle of friends famous, like if they ever took a vote of “most likely to turn up a party,” someone would be like, “It’s totally Mary Ann,” and everyone else would just nod in agreement, like, “Oh, hell yeah!”
But seriously, I like knowing that my family and friends will turn to me if they need some help whether it’s helping with a speech or they just need someone to lean on while they work through whatever issue is bothering them.
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?
–> I only rehearse to myself what I’m going to say if it’s a professional call. Wait. Nope, I take that back. I also rehearse what I’m going to say before having a “serious” conversation with someone. Professional calls are a no-brainer because it’s important to make a good impression that you know what you’re talking about, especially working in the healthcare field.
At the same time, it’s important to rehearse what I’m going to say before talking to someone about an emotionally charged subject, because I’ll sometimes get overwhelmed and blurt out strange, and somehow hurtful things, without saying what was really bothering me. Then I’ll beat myself up for saying something so stupid, and just end the conversation. I’m hoping to learn to how to rein my emotions in better, so that I can stand in my truth and the other persons truth and just be, so we can both properly hear and understand each other. (I plan on writing and linking about the 3 meditations that have helped me meditate and calm myself in a post later).
4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
–> A perfect day for me would be sleeping in at a beachside air B&B where the sound of waves crashing along the shore and the sunlight peeking through the blinds wake gently wake me up. I’d follow the smell of bacon to the outside dining area where my kids are laughing with with my immediate family and a few close friends, as they dive into a massive spread of all my favorite brunch items, which include, but not limited to, bacon (obviously), pancakes, fruits, orange cranberry muffins and coffee.
We would then hang out on the beach napping under massive beach umbrellas, swimming and making sand castles. For dinner, we’d have a clam bake around a bonfire, just chatting and telling jokes. Someone would break out a guitar playing random tunes as we sang along. My boys would fall asleep in my arms wrapped in a blanket under the stars, signaling the day’s over.
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
–> I sang Boston’s “More than a feeling” to a friend because he challenged me to think of a song with my name in it. He though the song, said “Mary Jane.” To which I retorted, he was thinking of the Tom Petty song.
I sang “Somewhere over the rainbow” to my youngest as he fell asleep the other night
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
–> Nothing scares me more than advanced dementia, so I’d choose the mind of a 30 year old. Other people can wheel me around.
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
–> I have no clue. Hopefully, it would be peacefully in my sleep.
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
–> Since I’m talking to myself basically, I’ll name three intentions I have for this new year. 1) Marie Kondo my entire house/life, 2) Start living a holistically healthy life style that is kid friendly, especially when it comes to self-care, like meditating, eating more nutrient rich foods and exercising, 3) Travel more whether it’s with my family, friends or by myself–even if it’s just a day trip or some place I’ve never been to in town.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
–> I am most grateful that I was able to have two amazing boys after being told I’d never have kids — twice.
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
–> I wish my parents/family worked more as a team rather than an episode of Survivor. I’ll just leave it at that for now.
11. Take four minutes and tell you partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
–> For anonymity sake, I’ll actually be doing a brief synopsis. I was born into a military first generation family, so my siblings and I were all born in different ports all over the US before settling in a large city in the south, where I grew up. Went to a state school for my bachelor’s and then returned for a master’s degree in a completely different field. Started working in the medical field. Got married. Had two kids. Got divorced. Here I am.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
–>To teleport space and time
That was actually fun, but a little more overwhelming than I anticipated. It’s scary to be honest with yourself when it comes to things that are beyond surface emotions, but that’s the whole point of intimacy, right? Looking back on what I wrote, I realize I’m way more interesting than I give myself credit for. I’m a little anxious to explore deeper feelings, but I look forward to getting to know myself better.
(to be continued)…
