I Think I Love You (Part II of III)
How becoming vulnerable changed my view on self-worth
The quest for better self-love and better self-worth continues with the second set of the 36 questions that lead to love. In the first part of my article, “I Think I Love you (Part I of III),” I learned I have way more patience with other people’s stories and thoughts than I do towards my own. I see that with my own stories and thoughts, especially traumatic ones, I’m quick to compartmentalize them to hash out at a later time — only to realize I never did get the chance to unpack them. I now see the value in acknowledging my thoughts and feelings in real-time on a daily basis. I have also learned that my thoughts and feelings deserve a platform to be heard if the receiver is open to hearing them and that hiding those vulnerable spots doesn’t give the space that is needed to grow in intimacy with others.
I learned I need to check in on myself to make sure I’m processing things, rather than storing them, when I notice myself getting annoyed easily or if I’m having problems sleeping well at night. I also learned how stress shows up in my body so I can be more mindful that way when I’m checking in with my body at night. You know it’s gotten really bad if your body is holding stress in your butt — and that’s where the saying, “She’s got something up her ass came from.” That’s actually based on an inside joke between my sister and me, but I have to admit there is some truth in that to be mindful of what other people are going through when they don’t show up as their best selves.
I’m realizing self-care is the best gift I can give my loved ones, so I can be for them the best mother, sister, healthcare provider, or friend to others. Nothing like doing a little self-care over a cigar with red wine and dark chocolate, or better yet, a detox bath/soak with a little red wine and dark chocolate — how luxurious! Other things that bring me joy include meditating in dark surrounded by candles, taking a nap wrapped up in a plush blanket, reading a good book in a hammock, hiking a trail at sunset, or getting a mani-pedi at that posh salon I pass by on the way to work. When I was younger, I was taught self-care is indulgent or selfish, so I always shied away from it to the point of burning out. Now I know self-care is as vital and important as breathing or brushing your teeth.
A huge part of knowing what good self-care looks like to you is knowing who you are on a deeper level in the recesses of your brain that is sometimes hidden from others. So, without further ado, let’s get on with these questions, shall we? This second set of questions will dig a litter deeper than the first twelve I have already answered. I’m interested to see what truths unfold.
Set II:
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
I would want to know what my true life’s purpose is and how to achieve it. I would want to know if my boys will grow up to be the amazing adults I envision in my brain.
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
I’ve always wanted to be a published author or a public speaker on a subject(s) that I’m passionate about and know in my heart will make an impact on how people viewed the subject. If someone was able to say, “Huh, I never thought of it that way,” or “I thought I was the only one,” I’d feel like I made a difference.
Whenever I do find myself with the opportunity to share my thoughts, I often chicken out. I have anxiety that no one would want to hear me, or they’d think I’m an imposter. But even more so, I’m scared of rejection.
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
The greatest accomplishment of my life so far is raising two little people, who many find interesting, thoughtful, and charming.
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
Integrity, which means to me they do the right thing and act the same even when no one is watching.
17. What is your most treasured memory?
My most treasured memory so far is driving in the car with the boys after having a long night at work where a patient crashed and burned that I replayed in my mind over and over again, racking my brains on what I missed or could have done. I was beyond feeling like a candle burning at both ends, and I was not in a mood for whining or temper tantrums.
Child #2: Hey mom? Moooom?!?!? Mom!!! Moooom!!!
Me: *super annoyed and on the verge of snapping back, but I take a deep breath* yes?
Child #2: I love you and I missed you today while I was at school.
Me: *super relieved I did not snap or do something I would obviously regret at the time* Hey, (child #2)?
Child #2: Yes, mom?
Me: I love you so much, and I’ve missed you, too, while you were at school.
It was during this time I realized the importance of being in the moment than in your head living in the future or in my case the past. The reality was nothing was going to help or save that patient I was agonizing about other than keeping her comfortable in her last moments. I also realized the choice I made in that conversation to respond with love versus the anger and frustration we all feel when having a shitty day would make or break the way my son chose to interact with me in the future.
I think we’ve all experienced that in some form or another whether it was a loved one or a boss/coworker. I can honestly say I did not care for their reaction and would avoid any interaction other than the bare minimum. Could you imagine if my kids felt that way towards me because I let my day ruin theirs? I’m so thankful that my kids are a daily reminder to use my powers for super awesome. I’m not always on point, but I’m quick to recognize and make things right.
18. What is your most terrible memory?
The day the boys were court-ordered to be returned to me. I honestly cannot think of the memory of them returning to me a shell of what they were prior to without wanting to cry and/or punch the perpetrator in the throat. I pray and meditate regularly for forgiveness in this situation.
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
I would live a healthier lifestyle, especially when it came to self-care. As I mentioned before, I grew up believing self-care and exercise were a luxury, being lazy or self-indulgent.
I would also learn to be still more “in the moment” being still be active in the world.
I would gauge my life goals more on what I’ve checked off of my bucket list rather than society’s milestones, e.g. going to grad school to be in healthcare or some equally productive job that makes more than a living wage, so that I could buy an expensive ass home with an equally expensive ass car with a DILF and our perfect 2.5 genius kids along with the cutest most intelligent a labradoodle, etc.
I would also be more honest and open in my communication with others.
Another good one is I would have less fear of rejection.
20. What does friendship mean to you?
Friendship means helping someone out when they are flailing in life. It means holding space for someone to be themselves through laughter and tears–even if it’s without words. It means lazy afternoons and evenings just shooting the shit because you like how you bring out the best in each other, but still keep each other grounded.
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
I think they go hand in hand when you truly care about someone. Affection is what keeps relationships bonded and thriving, and shows people that we love them. Practicing cuddle time is a great way to ground each other. At the same time, I could say affection does not always equal love. More on that later.
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
Since I have no partner, I will share 5 positive characteristics of myself:
1. LOL is not just an acronym to me–I actually do laugh out loud when I type that.
2. I love fiercely.
3. I protect my loved ones ferociously
4. I love learning and teaching others
5. People say they generally leave feeling happier than when we first met up.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
I consider my family extremely close and warm. Although, I would say my siblings are warm. My parents were a little cold and manipulative when it came to affection growing up. At the same time, I feel my childhood was happier than most others who didn’t have siblings or siblings who had each other’s back. Overall, I would consider my childhood generally unhappy with parents who were doing the best with what they had. My siblings kept me sane, and I wouldn’t be who I am today without them.
Yikes, this was definitely harder than the first set of questions. It was interesting that it took me about 10 minutes to think of specific nice things to say about myself, but I could rattle off at least 10 things about my sister/best friend or my children in less than a minute. It’s amazing how negligent and how to mean I talk to myself sometimes. Well, I’m so over that. I’ll be more conscious of my thoughts and feelings about myself. I’m a little nervous about the next set of questions, but I can honestly say, I’m having less anxiety about not being able to hold an open and safe place for myself to get to know me better.
Stay tuned, I have one more set of questions left!
(to be continued…)
