I used to contribute to diet culture
But I don’t anymore, let me explain…
In 2019, I started a fitness account on Instagram. I started the account while in grad school. I was getting my master’s in social work at Columbia University. At the time I was living in New York City in an apartment with my new puppy and I had also just started a new relationship.
At the very beginning of school, I was in the hospital for pelvic inflammatory disease and then shortly after experienced my very first urinary tract infection (something I wish upon no one).
After all this, I remember seeing a gynecologist in the city. They didn’t know me, and I didn’t know them. But, they suggested birth control because why not? Don’t they offer that to every young female these days?
I had never taken birth control, and I didn’t plan on it until this vulnerable time in my life. I felt confused and unsure of what was “right” and “wrong.”
I decided to go on it, and quite honestly, it made me that much more uncomfortable in my body. I was experiencing extreme bloating and digestive issues.
I am telling you all of this because prior, I had disordered eating, and exercise was my coping mechanism when I was anxious or uncomfortable with myself or my life. But with the combination of a lot of change happening around me and in me, it became a destructive recipe for what happened next. I felt out of control so I wanted to gain back control.
I began my account to retake back my health and challenge my body in new ways! A slippery slope indeed.
I was a former college athlete and felt I had experience in weight lifting so I wanted to share my journey with other people. I also felt like my sports were always dictating my life and body, finally, I could control what I did and how I did it.
I started sharing my workouts and what I was eating. It was well-intentioned, but sometimes, even when we have good intentions, the impact doesn’t align.
I began tracking my calories. Slowly but surely, I found myself in the gym twice a day, obsessed with the “best” eating trends for “building lean muscle” or “how to reduce bloating.”
I started cutting more things out of my diet, working out non-stop, and never taking time to rest. The fear of not going to the gym and my body changing scared the shit out of me. And slowly certain foods also scared the shit out of me. But, of course, I didn’t admit that at the time.
When I started my fitness Instagram, I was applauded for my “discipline” in the gym. And when my body started changing, I became praised for that too.
I felt that the people following my account now expected me always to look a certain way and be a certain way. It just reinforced my fixation on my appearance, weight, what I eat, and how much I ate.
No one called it an eating disorder or called me out for over-exercising initially. But well, it became more clear that that was what it was.
My Instagram quite literally became a timeline of my eating disorder.
When COVID hit, and lockdown became everyone’s reality, I stopped posting videos on Instagram. The gyms closed because of COVID, which was why, but I also became more aware that I didn’t want to show a body that genuinely wasn’t healthy.
No longer was I getting just DMS of “What do you eat in a day? What should I do to get toned like you?” It was now also filled with DMS of “Are you okay?”
When we went into lockdown, that’s when everything seemed to spiral more. I became more and more reliant on my eating disorder. As a result, I became weaker and sicker than ever before. I didn’t even have the energy to work out anymore. Instead of lifting weights non-stop and running, I went on walks many times a day and did yoga many times a day.
The truth was I wasn’t okay. I was not in a good space, and I was embarrassed. I was angry that things got so out of control. I was confused about how it got so bad. And confused about how to get out of it.
In September 2020, I got help. I said goodbye to Instagram and hello to treatment for my eating disorder. I was diagnosed with Anorexia. I’m not saying that having a fitness account created an eating disorder for me; that was there already. My eating disorder just now had the platform to be exposed.
I can admit now that I promoted a life based on diet culture. I showcased a body that wasn’t healthy, and a way of living that was not freedom or fun.
I hate that I did that. But I also have compassion for myself because an eating disorder is a mental illness. Anorexia is not solved by “just eating more.” I also know now how powerful conditioning is. Since I was little messages of weight loss being positive and small being attractive were given to me.
I wish I could go back and tell myself that I didn’t have to change my body to be liked and accepted. And I wish I could tell myself that going to those extremes with changing my body was not going to bring that happiness I was searching for.
I wish I could go back and tell anyone who ever looked at my Instagram and compared themselves to me that they are not less than, and they do not need to change their bodies to be loved, attractive, or beautiful.
But I can’t turn back time, I know that.
What I can do now is share my story and start to change the language around the way we speak about food and exercise. I can share how I am redefining what healthy means to me. I can share how I have been healing my body from the years of not giving it the love it deserves.
It's an ongoing journey. I always say that so that I don’t paint the picture that my life is perfect and my eating disorder has been cured. I don’t think that's how it works, at least not for me. Every day is a choice whether to show up for me or not, so I try my best to show up and give my inner voice the space to make decisions for me rather than the influence of others' opinions and expectations.
My point in sharing all of this is also to remind you that you don’t need to change your body or the way you look in order to be enough. You are already enough. I know that’s easier said than to believe, but it's true.
