My experience of making changes
This is my story about trying to make some changes and I hope it is of some use to you.
Background
Memory can be a fickle thing, and there was no direct moment that I can point to and say at that moment I got stuck in a rut. It was just a feeling in the background that stuck with me and grew louder and louder. The volume change was slow, but noticeable, and it began to compound into a cacophony that I could not escape from. It filled my mind and it took some time to recognise it. It had two main effects, one was a desire to escape and the other was a background negative feeling.
I remember being positive during younger years and remember having felt a sense of personal progress, through university and into the workforce. However, over time, this noise began to build. It kept seeping in and changing my mindset year after year. Although escape could be a fantasy, change is not and I could feel a tension inside of me saying it is time to change. But this was not the only feeling, there was so much negativity in my emotions and life, these affected my behaviour and the quality of life. For instance, being more secluded and having a dour humourless approach to life.
It was interesting because I realised, I was not being myself. But there was no direct turning point of the change. It was feeling bad after a series of moments, in action each one felt bad. I felt bad after some people interactions — I felt that I was being a little abrupt and rude to people. These were just moments, but over time they gave a noticeable pattern — is the problem me? There was a negative sense and perception towards others — they were not trustworthy and maybe against me. It was not just one moment it was a slow building process. I knew the outcome of something is going to be the worst outcome. Strangely enough it started to appear that way. Maybe it was my perceptions?
Eventually I recognised that not only am I not being myself, this has been going on for quite some time. This clearly was not just a bad event that made me act out a bit. This was a persistent background state. It was a slide towards the dark side. It became clear I needed to do something before it was too late. I did not want to be this type of person and I needed to reverse course. I needed to make changes.
I always had somewhat of a closed-minded approach, and thought reflection and journaling was new age mumbo jumbo. However, I saw the dark side and was open to at least try. This was an important learning point — during dark times and challenges, I found myself more open, and willing to experiment as I really did not want to be where I was and could this really make things worse.
The mind fighting change
But change is quite scary. There was something inside that wanted to rebel against making change. Trying to do some reflection brought out angry, resentful and jealous thoughts — many were quite tangential to how I was initially feeling. My mind wanted to pick a fight over something irrelevant. But over time I realised that as I made changes, and maybe got some benefit from those changes, the feelings were the strongest. I felt that my mind wanted to fight me on making change. This was an important moment — I realised that my fear of change was acting out in all sorts of ways, but it really existed.
I have not figured out why, but I did find that by knowing when I started the harder reflection and started to gain insight, the negative feelings were the strongest. But the point was that in knowing I could go through this. I found this with the comfort zone. It is like a magnet that wanted to drag me back in. It tried to rationalise and make excuses — it screamed change was not a good idea; change is bad, trying is bad, doing anything different is bad.
Although my comfort zone felt good, it did not last — I was still in a rut. I was changing one set of bad feelings for another. It was almost like I enjoyed being miserable. I wanted to see my life through escape and a burning car wreck, but not as a physical manifestation of a better life, and a better me. I realised I was using fantasy as an escape, like a narcotic and not willing to see change through.
Fighting back
The story so far presents a deep sense of conflict, but the battleground was my mind. I had to find a way through. The first thing I found is that small steps to change are useful. For instance, I decided to take up reading to get more knowledge. Not all books are useful or helpful, but doing some reading can be useful. I found that it was a small change and that maintaining some momentum is useful. I read a little every day, and if I read, I was happy with myself for following through.
I initially tried to fight myself, but it was difficult to argue that in an evening I could not find 10 minutes to read a couple of pages. I also found that after reading for ten minutes, it was difficult to say that I could not extend this to 20 minutes. I realised that I wanted more from life and that reading was useful, but not the only thing I should be doing. So, I wanted to try a few other things.
It was important to get out there more. So, it was useful to sign up for things. It was even better if they cost money. It was difficult personally to say I could not go to an event because I did not feel like it or was too tired, because I had already paid for it. Even a small sum still means a loss of money and that hurt. I found that the loss of money through laziness was not a good feeling and it was motivational. I would do it just to shut myself up. I found a way of tricking myself into doing things that I wanted to do but was fighting myself over.
Of course, after doing this a few times in the process of signing up and paying, the negative feelings and fighting myself came back. But I could reward myself for doing so, and I could do small things first. For instance, I was fighting myself for buying a few books that I know I should be reading. The money was put aside, they were affordable, but I did not want to buy them. My comfort zone was fighting back.
But given how cheap one of the books was, by purchasing it first I acclimatised to the process. This was interesting. After buying the first, it became easier to buy the remainder. Like going to events, the easiest event made the transition much easier — it was too hard to say no — it was near, it was cheap. So, in purchasing quickly there was no real excuse that I could use to get out of it. This was how I could get myself to do things.
I had the exercise bike put out in an easy place to see. I could combine reading and cycling in one go. This was beneficial as it could free more time to do other things. By saying that 30 minutes for cycling and a book together, then I could do my exercise and reading and not have to worry too much about finding time for both. I found this to be the case with other activities like audiobooks in the car, reading while waiting or over lunch. I could combine things and make sure that they got done.
How it affected my life
Although there were many things, like some exercise and other activities that came and went, there were many that stayed. I certainly do not have an iron discipline. But many of the things that went, over time, there were not that important. The things that felt important stayed, like reading, reflection, getting out etc. Yes, there were and still are many times when I felt timid, tired and not wanting to do them, but the most important ones were usually done. This is because I knew they were the most important. I guess it was listening to myself and doing what I needed to do in addition to starting small and manageable.
More importantly, there was always a chance tomorrow. This is not about kicking things down the road. It is about acknowledging that when tomorrow comes, I can try again to get myself to do it. Eventually I will, maybe 3 days later, when the excuses become too annoying to listen to and doing it will shut myself up.
After doing things — I must admit felt great. This is the best thing about getting out of my comfort zone, the feeling afterwards. It is like the runner’s high — it just feels like an accomplishment to myself. Just doing things can have a massive impact, and improve my background mood, confidence and positive feeling. What it brought by getting out of the comfort zone was a feeling. That feeling was hope. Hope brings so many things, and one of them was a sense of optimism that I missed for so long. It was that sense of optimism which made the quality of my life improve.
Returning to the start, although I am not out of the rut, the sense of hope gives a sense of optimism. The rut no longer looks as deep as it was. I do not know if it has changed or if I have changed. I can see over the rut now. I can see the horizon. The horizon has not been there for a while. Although, maybe only hope, I can see progress, I can see movement and I can see that I can change. I can make change. Making change means I can make decisions and act on them. I can make positive decisions and changes which direct myself towards the top of the rut. Hence, I have some more confidence and optimism that I can escape the rut if I can keep move forward. This is the most valuable thing I learnt and took away from this process; I can make positive change in my life and work my way forward if I am willing to change.
I hope this has been of some benefit to you. If it has, please feel free to leave a comment below.
