One Thing Can Save You When Your World Is Falling Apart
It’s already in you. Dig deep and find your way home.
“Why can’t my brain just be normal?” she asked as tears streamed down her cheeks. I fought tears of my own as I coached her.
This beautiful human has unending compassion. High intelligence. The quickest wit I’ve ever encountered. Talent and creativity that flow freely.
From the outside, one would assume her future will be everything she desires.
Inside, she was struggling. A chain of events beyond her control led to a year of illness, unending stress, and constant physical and emotional pain. And still, she kept trying.
But she was losing hope.
I longed to take her pain away. That’s not what coaches do, though.
We lead people to their own solutions. We validate, encourage, and support.
We brainstorm with them, co-create a plan, walk beside them as they implement it, and keep them accountable for the commitment they made.
Many years ago, I was the one asking a therapist if I would ever be “normal.” I was experiencing anxiety, recurring depression, and a severe loss of self-esteem.
Despite having studied psychology for 15 years at that point, I still hadn’t learned to improve my condition. I felt inadequate, ashamed, and flawed.
All I wanted was validation that it would get better. I wanted my hope back.
The therapist didn’t look me in the eye. Nor did she offer any confirmation that my pain was temporary.
She didn’t just withhold my hope. She completely erased it, for a very long time. Her lack of response devastated me.
I never returned to that particular service provider.
This is not a criticism of psychotherapy.
On the contrary, the right practitioner can make all the difference in our degree of mental wellness. I strongly encourage my coaching clients to consider therapy if it is warranted.
The growth I experienced during treatment with other therapists has made me a fan for life. Just as in any field, some professionals are incredibly talented, and some, less so.
I’d be justified in feeling angry about that incident. But I can’t. As the depression began to lift, I redoubled my efforts to learn all I could about how we get stuck, how we heal, and the dynamics that allow those conditions to occur, for better or worse.
I learned about our fundamental needs, and how our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors either support mental wellness or create protective defenses that often make matters worse.
This knowledge and my determination helped me learn how to manage my inner life. I learned how to be happy, regardless of circumstances. I not only reclaimed my hope. I regained control over the way I experience life.
And I committed myself to teach others what I had learned, and what research has proven. Now I coach others in creating their own plan to implement healthier practices.
The day my client asked why she couldn’t be “normal,” I let my younger self speak the truth she wanted to hear all those years ago.
“I know how much you’re hurting right now,” I validated, “but I promise you, your brain is normal.
“Its job is to keep you safe and alive.
“It knows you’ve been fighting a difficult set of circumstances. And it knows that your body and nervous system need time to process what you’ve been through and regain your strength.
“What would you do differently if you were sure your brain was truly on your side?”
She didn’t hesitate to respond. She received validation that what she was going through was indeed normal under the circumstances. She regained her power to make the choices that were in her best interest.
She outlined a plan for physical and emotional self-care. She discussed the kind of work that would decrease stress on her mind and body. She cited the situations and behaviors that weighed on her and set intentions on what to do about them.
With every word, her self-efficacy returned. Her voice grew stronger. Her statements held more certainty.
She had reclaimed her hope.
Without hope, we have no motivation to try. No reason to plan or prepare. Nothing toward which to move to justify getting through the struggle.
Hope is the spark that gives us the impetus to move forward, change course when necessary, and find the strength and determination to get from an uncomfortable “here” to a much-needed “there.”
Where do you turn when the spark dims? What renews your hope for a better tomorrow? Knowing the answers to these questions will help you navigate life the next time your world falls apart.
