Some reflections on the benefits of saying no
The title may seem to be a message of being difficult or unruly — maybe becoming someone closed to experience. But this is clearly not the case. There are many messages and pressures that come from outside that try to make our decisions for us and, to capitulate to someone else’s agenda. Importantly, many of these choices may not be good for us or help us on our journey. So, it is in our best interests to say no to them. Therefore, this article provides a reflection on the benefits of saying no from a personal development perspective.
Personal choices and individuality
Because personal development is about the self and, the self-directed approach to personal improvement, as a minimum this involves some level of self-knowledge:
a) Knowing what you want (either to obtain or avoid);
b) Personal judgement in knowing what improvement looks like and what needs to be improved.
Much like success, improvement means different things to different people, it cannot be defined universally. Furthermore, it involves personal choices — you choose some opportunities, but also pass on others, and that is where NO comes in.
Personal choices are an exercise in both free will and independent thought. I believe these are important human characteristics like individuality. It makes a person who they are and, can be bound in beliefs, values and principles that someone can hold. My choices should represent both my ideas and values.
Furthermore, I believe that strengthening the ability to make our own choices is what separates personal development from the self-help industry. Personal development empowers the individual to choose and to think; to make up their own mind on what is valuable and useful. I believe that self-help tries to present a one-sized fits all path that tries to oversimplify the world into mere soundbites.
Thus, self-help may be used as a salve intended to soothe the individual and, be complicit with their outsourcing of problems and thinking — essentially an act of escapism from the problems they face in the world. But there is no escape from the world, and that without owning our thinking and actions we cannot make progress; we cannot personally develop. Our ability to assert our choices and will is important for our personal growth — which may upset certain narratives trying to distract us from this point.
This does not mean we cannot ask for help; it would be imprudent not to. But what we cannot do is have others solve our own problems for us, or do our thinking for us. For this laziness, we surrender our personal power, our ability to choose and our individuality. This is a very dark road where some want to lead us to, for their own nefarious aspirations. To remove our ability to choose, for their benefit.
An example — the dangers of following herd with our money
We cannot know it all and, there are significant limits to our competence and understanding. There is a lot of noise in the world and there are so many advertisements of this system or that system to make money. These are all apparently “proven” and “full proof” — a fool and their money as they say. Lots of people discuss how much money they make on the stock markets with their schemes. Although no expert I am not inclined to believe their claims — not over any sustained period of time. But nonetheless, although I am sceptical, I do not definitively know what the actual truth is. However, I do know that my scepticism has not been overcome and I am not going to get involved.
Similarly, this is something I have found from being on the end of pressure sales. I lack the product knowledge and experience of the seller and, usually cannot keep pace with their chosen facts and figures, which I may not believe, as they try and escalate and move towards closing. Although my lack of knowledge cannot fully defend this onslaught (which for sales can be one-sided) with counter-examples, but, I know in my mind I do not want to buy.
Strangely — NO! is a great answer in all of these cases. Followed with I’m not interested! No way! I think you have me confused with someone interested in buying! This is an exercise in free will under challenging conditions. The point is that I do not have to buy. Not buying is a fundamental right. There is no need to feel obligation; manipulative ploys can be used to engender a feeling of obligation — thus, stop and think — do you feel manipulated?
Furthermore, I could at a later date choose to change my mind when I know more about the product comeback to it. With many time-limited offers, these can be repeated at a later date. Sales are often not just a one-off event; patience means that I could come back at a later date if I chose to. There really is not any reason to be concerned about missing out, you can wait until you are ready to buy.
An example — attempts to influence perceived value
As an example of influencing perceived value, lots of seminars, courses and “gurus” like to bundle their wares by giving things “away”. They claim x dollars’ worth of value. Says who? This is a self-claim, it certainly isn’t a substantiated claim. They say their stuff is worth $1000 for instance. That doesn’t mean you think it is worth $1000. These wares can have a small marginal cost, so this “value” is not necessarily based in the manufacturing cost. Also, is there a second-hand market for their wares, are you likely to recoup much of the cost of the outlay if you were to sell it on later?
I believe these are psychological sales ploy to get people to believe they are getting substantial value. Like a closing down sale, they aim at the perception of getting a bargain, but not of whether one needs the good, or whether the goods or services are of any real value to you. Therefore, you can choose what you buy and when you buy, and this should be based on the value to you; not necessarily because of various tactics to induce you to do what someone else wants you to do — or hoping that you do. You can pass and say no. After the first time it gets much easier to do.
Therefore, I have the personal right to be comfortable with a choice before making a decision. It is my decision to make. I can take my time. So, even if I do not know whether I want something or not, I do not have to make a decision on someone else’s timescales, I can make the decision on my own.
An example — Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
FOMO is a psychological mindset based in the loss of an opportunity. It exists in the not doing rather than the doing, and is a factor in why people jump on bandwagons. Seeing others being successful at a point in time, for instance may drive underlying feelings of guilt and jealousy. These feelings may make us want to follow the crowd and do the same. It can occur naturally for a person through comparison against others — such as some early investors making money in crypto, or being exploited by marketing.
Here like previous, there is an attempt to influence you into believing that you will be missing out, which in turn, tries to make a decision for you without thinking it through and, considering the consequences. However, from personal experience, it is in many cases, better in the long-run to have missed out.
For many buying crypto did not end well. The same can be said for buying into the stock market at the height if the boom. For instance, below are a few internet articles about day trading and, present it in a more sobering light:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day_trading
The fact that some people say that they have done well out of something does not mean:
a) They are being fully truthful;
b) They will do well out of it over the longer-term;
c) You will do well out of it.
This does not mean that going after opportunities is a bad thing. The point is that it is important to be realistic about them and, to go after opportunities that you understand well and, are in a good position to capitalise on. It is important to understand the risks, what you do not know and, what is unknowable. Research and knowledge are crucial in most endeavours. Being realistic with what you do not know and, not being overconfident can help avoid significant issues.
This is a message that, like a lemming jumping of the cliff, it is the unthinking behaviour and the animal spirits that can be dangerous. Jealousy and comparison — since they are saying they are winning; I must do the same or I will be a loser — prey upon our psychology. But making these decisions emotionally can lead to carnage. Obviously, there are a few occasions where good opportunities may pass by, but this is a small price to pay against a significant amount of buyer’s remorse.
Life has opportunities and, only a few opportunities and successes are required for a successful career and life. Not all opportunities are equal, and so they do not all need to be chased. Therefore, it is the identifying and acting on these opportunities, because they reach out and grab you and, you understand them, can evaluate them and are well placed to act on them, that will serve you the best in the long-run. If an opportunity does not reach out and grab you, there is no reason for you for you to accept it. Furthermore, many opportunities exist that allow you the time to review and think about them carefully before acting. Hence, it is more important to take the opportunity that is right for you rather than jumping at things unthinkingly just because someone else is doing it.
An example — peer pressure and the rat race
I have found societal pressures to conform exist beyond the school years and, is embedded throughout society at various stages in life. Early in life, it is trying to be liked, and later it can also appear as a comparison against others. A sort of validation from the outside which fills a hole in the inner self-worth. But for many there is always a need for community and a place to belong.
There is always the underlying shame in comparisons that urge people on towards other’s ambitions for us. Their goals and expectations, do not necessarily match out own. Although we can choose to some extent, we do not necessarily take the time and stop and look at the options and evaluate them. Endless competition and personal relationships can force us to believe that we have do something, which can be implied, unsaid and often invented by ourselves. These can take the form of mental and emotional prisons we can create for ourselves based on our perceptions of other’s expectations and responses. Furthermore, these perceptions may not be accurate and, this can only be found out through challenging them.
An interesting idea is the “rat race”, the idea of the Pyrrhic competition — working ever harder for rewards that mean less and less and do not match the effort put forward. But we somehow stay? Do we enjoy it? Ultimately, we must convince ourselves of the benefits or loss to want to stay? Is it the loss of the effort we put in at the start of the race? Did we see it as a rat race at the beginning? Did it dawn on us later?
But irrespective of how we started we must ask the question of whether we should stay — is it fear, is it loss, is it inertia? Have we convinced ourselves of the value of being in the rate race — and do we, deep down, believe this? Is working harder and longer worth the extra money and status? Are we deceiving ourselves, and maybe being helped by others that benefit from this deception? Is there a point where enough is enough, a point where it is not worth it anymore? Is it driven by shame and guilt, simply by comparisons with others? We can choose otherwise — we just have to accept the consequences of our decisions.
There are other choices, lifestyles and roles. We can choose, but they have consequences. Furthermore, we must question what these lifestyles are — many require hard work and sacrifice. Images might exist of the easy life with many rewards; however, we must question whether this is real and whether it will be real for ourselves. Commonsense is often required as well as, the avoidance of greed and not believing only what we want to hear. Being sceptical and working through the detail to make sure that we understand the consequences, challenges and decisions and this is right for us, is usually the most prudent approach.
Discipline and process
Much of this is about exercising personal discipline, although it can be hard. Trying to create barriers to the noise in the world is often useful. Unplugging I have found just creates space and time. Space and time to think and research. To explore and to better understand, so as to make better decisions.
The point here is that I own my own decision-making process, and I do not have to hand it over to someone else. A good reply to most things presented as “opportunities” is that it is not right for me. Not my thing. No — I’ll pass. In reality, it is about building the discipline of patience and identifying what you want and going after it. But only when it is right for you.
The key here is not to be desperate. From personal experience, it appears to be desperation and greed that make people jump after anything. That hope that it will work out — probably because it is better than where they are now. But this opens the door to allow people to prey on us, and to exploit this weakness.
Controlling the decision-making process, waiting for the right opportunities and having patience, gives me power. It gives me the power to choose, and life can work much better when I can choose the terms. But this exists, only through discipline and patience. The key I have found is that there is always the choice to walk away. You can always come back later if you want.
Conclusion — how the old adages are probably the best
The old adage that if something is too good to be true it probably is — is truly apt today. The world is not necessarily fair. There are those that want what we have and, are happy to take it from us. So, we need to be on guard and think for ourselves. We do not have to jump at what is presented to us, and we can wait. But it is discipline and the patience that is necessary to make this work. It is hard — however, we can always say no. No! This is probably the most powerful word that we can have, and that we can choose to use.
