When I Lost Hope
I’m having a hard time. I have planned the future as beautiful and ideal as I can. However, many incidents made me no longer trust the path to whatever I was planning.
I lost my way. I don’t know where to go, what to prepare, and what to do so that my life can satisfy my own heart.
My desire to explore many places and many things to see how real life is and learn a lot from other people has become a big scourge. Physical limitations and the high desire to always be close to parents become a dilemma that has no end.
At first, I decided never to bring up what I wanted before. The reason is so simple, I don’t want to push myself. I’m afraid that if I force it, something worse will happen to me.
I started writing again, disciplined myself to read any book, watch my favorite drama, listen to the music of many genres, learn to play ukulele, learn many new things. But, all that I do not consistently. I feel that I did all that because I didn’t know what to do.
I’m still debating whether the decision to just study is correct and can be maintained for the rest of my life, or should I add it with a secret spice such a big goal to make my life more powerful and interesting?
Others may learn certain things because they have a great purpose. Meanwhile, my answer is as simple as yes because I suddenly want to know everything. I haven’t come up with anything else.
Is this a sign that I’m wasting my time, or what?
I’m confused. I lost the passion and ambition to start. Even starting for what I don’t know. I live my life solely to finish what I have created and am currently working on, and the important thing is that I grow into a good person.
I rarely pray but more often daydream. It’s just that I feel my wishful thinking is just as pessimistic.
I became a person who did not expect much, especially about my own future. Somehow I feel this is the wrong thing. It took me a while to realize that losing hope didn’t give me strength. In fact, it makes me the same person, who has no fighting power, has nothing to fight for.
Maybe some people fit this style. However, I feel that this is not suitable for me. Not the real me. I live, and I think I can enjoy life. But, for some reason, I’m confused about what’s missing and what’s wrong with what I’m doing.
I have many desires, but experience and reality also taught me what is worth fighting for overtime. But, when it’s not to my liking, I feel empty.
I lose big hopes, and it’s easy to lose small hopes.
I began to bombard myself with the same questions I had initially felt hopeless.
What if I can still achieve my wish? What if the possibility is still high, but I have no hope instead?
Why do I give up so easily when I have a God who can do everything? Easily turn things around.
Why don’t I dare to start if I have a God who can give me the courage even without asking?
Why am I scared when actually I still have everything?
Everything that can support me.
