The Key to Happiness is not Perfectionism — It’s about Bravery
By Sara Wilkerson
“Some people worry about our federal deficit, but I worry about our bravery deficit.”
— Reshma Saujani, renowned author and founder of Girls Who Code
In her 2016 TED talk called “Teach girls bravery, not perfection”, Reshma Saujani discusses the gender disparity between men and women in how they take risks in their lives and especially in their careers.
“Most girls are taught to avoid risk and failure. We’re taught to smile pretty, play it safe, get all A’s,” explains Saujani. “Boys, on the other hand, are taught to play rough, swing high, crawl to the top of the monkey bars and then just jump off headfirst.
“And by the time they’re adults,” Saujani continued, “whether they’re negotiating a raise or even asking someone out on a date, they’re habituated to take risk after risk. They’re rewarded for it…”
“In other words, we’re raising our girls to be perfect, and we’re raising our boys to be brave,” concluded Saujani.
In a 2015 article from Scientific American, psychologist Carol Dweck explains that there are two kinds of mindsets that children tend to become accustomed to - a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.
“Mind-set can affect the quality and longevity of personal relationships as well, through people’s willingness — or unwillingness — to deal with difficulties,” writes Dweck.
“Those with a fixed mind-set are less likely than those with a growth mind-set to broach problems in their relationships and to try to solve them…
“Individuals who believe people can change and grow, however, are more confident that confronting concerns in their relationships will lead to resolutions.”
Furthermore, Dweck elaborates in a Harvard Business Review article what the growth mindset actually means for individuals on a personal level.
“Individuals who believe their talents can be developed (through hard work, good strategies, and input from others) have a growth mindset. They tend to achieve more than those with a more fixed mindset (those who believe their talents are innate gifts).
“This is because they worry less about looking smart and they put more energy into learning.”
The growth mindset applies to not just individuals in their personal lives, but also in their professional lives, whether they are applying for jobs or are a part of a team.
No matter in the circumstance that mindsets are applied in, Dweck’s research shows that they are not permanent, or that an individual can only have one over the other.
In her TED talk about the power of believing in one’s self-improvement, Dweck explains that mindsets are not set-in-stone, rather she insists that mindsets are instead malleable and subject to change, if guided properly.
“In one study [featuring junior high students], we taught them that every time they push out of their comfort zone to learn something new and difficult, the neurons in their brain can form new, stronger connections, and over time, they can get smarter.
“Look what happened: In this study, students who were not taught this growth mindset continued to show declining grades over this difficult school transition, but those who were taught this lesson showed a sharp rebound in their grades,” notes Dweck.
Changing mindsets, especially those of a fixed mindset, is not an easy feat, however, given our brains are evolutionarily hardwired towards giving greater weight to negative experiences over positive ones. This phenomenon is otherwise known as the brain’s negativity bias, according to neuropsychologists.
So, if we are hardwired to focus on negativity to begin with, how can our mindsets change for the better? Or in other words, how can individuals become more braver and less “perfect” when facing challenges, as Sujani suggests?
Two words: Intentional Adaptability.
In a recent article from Harvard Business Review, Penny Locaso, the founder of HackingHappy.co, shares how building skills such as focus, courage, and curiosity can help in one’s journey to happiness through intentional changes made in our day to day lives.
To start, Locaso discusses how eliminating the word “busy” from everyday vocabulary can impact, “your mindset, your behavior, and the connection you have with others.”
“I did this two years ago and it changed my life,” states Locaso. “When I was asked how I was, instead of saying, ‘I’m so busy,’ I would say, ‘I’m positively engaged doing XYZ.’
“Letting go of the word busy is the first step toward owning your actions and explaining them with intentionality,” explains Locaso.
“Instead of telling others and yourself, ‘I’m overwhelmed with tasks and distractions,’ you’re shifting your mindset to, ‘I’m choosing to invest my time and productivity into these three things.”
In addition to building focus, Locaso stresses the importance of building courage, and how fear in particular inhibits courage.
Locaso writes, “During my research, fear came up as the biggest barrier to change.
“Yet fear (along with failure) is one of the greatest levers you have available to enable your happiness.”
Locaso elaborates further by explaining how tackling inner fears can actually help and not hurt in our quest for happiness.
“Building courage is centered around letting go of the conditioned belief that fear should be used as an alarm bell to run away rather than lean into possibility.
“Courage helps you step into fear knowing it is a universal, biological human emotion, and one that you can embrace and use to shape the change you’re trying to make.
“Leaning into fear (that is non-life threatening),” Locaso continued, “enables us to creatively process and remove barriers that stand between wanting something and acting on it.”
As a way of leaning into our fears, Locaso suggests that individuals practice micro-bravery, which involves doing small acts each day that push you out of your comfort zone.
Whether that means trying out a new cuisine or practicing your public speaking skills in front of a mirror or a loved one, micro-bravery can act as a gateway into identifying what is indeed “holding you back” from your own happiness.
Additionally, Locaso suggests that individuals invest time into learning about things that they have been curious about.
“Part of being adaptable is accepting what you can’t change but acknowledging what you can. Curiosity is a huge part of that,” Locaso says.
“If you never question yourself, others, or the world around you, you will never see the possibilities, paths, or opinions that lie beyond what is most immediately available to you.
“Curiosity requires us to be fully present, to listen more than we speak, to ask more questions, be observant of new ideas, and embrace the unfamiliar.
“Most importantly, it challenges our ingrained beliefs.”
Locaso goes on to explain that, like micro-bravery, we can identify behaviors and/or fears that hold us back from trying something new when we get curious.
To foster curiosity, she suggests creating a list of things that you have always been curious about, regardless of the subject matter.
For example, have you been curious about you can make your mornings better? Try learning about this two-minute self-reflection exercise.
Or, what if you want to learn about the science of stamina and how it factors into your work and personal life? Check out this article from the Harvard Business Review on this topic.
Once you have a list of “curiosity topics” made, set aside time every day to learn about the things you are curious about.
Following through with intentionally adapting your life towards building these skills, Locaso warns, is not about reaching a “destination” when it comes to happiness.
“Happiness should not be your goal, nor an end state, but a way of being,” Locaso emphasizes.
“It may sound like a tough ask in a world of uncertainty.
“But when you change your understanding of what it means to be happy, you may notice that you start to feel it much more.”
