I remember
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**Trigger Warning** Mentions of rape and sexual assault
I remember the beat of my heart
Beneath your heavy breathing
And cigarette smelling breath
Mixed with your aftershave
As though you’d showered in the stuff
As my chest rises but refuses to fall
The ticking of the clock and squeaking floor boards
Time is almost upon me as much as you will be
I remember how you made me feel
In those moments of fear and resistance
I did not say no, yet you took me anyway
You bought me and took what your greed allowed
You knew my pain but my pain turned you on
Turning up the heat, your urges became more
Why? I asked myself, was I to blame…Tell me
No blame, no shame lies upon my heavy shoulders
I Remember the ending, the day I became free
but I’m not really free of the demons
You employ to keep me stuck in a life you created
I look at this screen, at the words that I bleed, like tears
Did this happen to me or someone else, someone stronger
You did this, you made me doubt everything…YOU
The pain I felt and the way my body reacted
I just don’t understand what really happened
I don’t remember you asking my permission
Nor do I remember you saying sorry
You did not admit that you were wrong
Yet you acted accordingly — innocently
I remember times
I remember each moment
The moments that aren’t blocked from my mind
Today, I remember that I’m innocent
© D.Reay2023
I decided to write this poem tonight, following a really tough therapy session! This poem is from a strong memory of my abuse!
Something that holds so much pain and very few words are needed, here!!
I will be making this poem into spoken word this week!
Thank you for reading!
