3 new-age yoga concepts that are basic bullshit

Please stop saying these things. Please.

I’m feeling conflicted about writing this. Lord knows there’s enough negative, opinionated, pot-stirring content in the world. Maybe I’m doing this because I’m halfway through Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic and it’s really just such a terrible book (#sorrynotsorry). Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the last month having really raw conversations with yoga teachers, studio owners, and students who mirror these sentiments. Maybe I’m just really disappointed in the yoga industry and the nature of commodifying spiritualism.

Or maybe I’m feeling feisty and frustrated because I miss my cat.

What I do know is this: I’m committed to being transparent as a person. It feels better for me to be open about being a human who has human experiences. I’ve simply grown tired of trying to play by rules I don’t believe in.

Please know that I’m not an expert and that this is very much my opinion. It’s also important to mention that I’ve said and repeated all three of the phrases you’re about to read. I’m part of the problem. I’ve also witnessed the damage I’ve caused by putting these phrases out into the world.

So, without further ado, here are the three things we new-age-mindfulness-yoga community folks need to stop saying:

1. You can quiet/control your mind.

My Vedic meditation friends (Thom Knoles, Charlie Knoles, Emily Fletcher, et. al.) have this saying: You can’t quiet your mind anymore than you can stop your heart from beating. That is some damn fine truth, right there. You cannot even attempt to tally the impulses and patterns simultaneously firing in your mind in this precise moment. To think that you can actively convince or force your mind to stop and pause is ignorant and false. You may be able to allow it to soften into a quieter space and you might even happen upon total silence, after a lot of regular practice. But you cannot make it happen because someone told you to after 60-minute vinyasa class. That’s like me holding bananas and telling you to close your eyes and not think about bananas. It’s bananas.

We should be encouraging our students and the community at large to witness what is there and marvel at the randomness and complexity of it all. When we ask people to do things that are neurologically impossible, we are basically strengthening their relationship with shame and self-judgment.

2. You can’t control others. The only person you can control is yourself.

To be fair, I do support the general idea of this. I cannot control any other person or animal. I can make requests and set boundaries all day long and I still can’t get others to behave exactly as I wish them to. Which is, in general, quite frustrating. And I’m not even a parent.

Regarding my self control? I can attempt to control myself. I can set my own limits and I can say that I want to be a nice, funny person who is even-keeled and has generally chill responses in stressful situations.

But sometimes, we get triggered, which is a therapy term that basically means set off. This can happen anywhere. Someone can make a very normal request of you and depending on a variety of circumstances (tone, location, past experiences, sensory input), you could have a seemingly super disproportionate response.

This happens to me a LOT. If you are a human who has a past, this will also happen to you a lot. I am done feeling like I’m broken because I screw up sometimes. This doesn’t mean that I don’t need to be accountable, take responsibility and communicate with others. It’s definitely not a fun way to spend my time, but I’ve found that great growth comes from these moments. I feel like I level up as a human when I’m able to witness the disproportion, take some time, forgive, and talk it out with the other person (if they’re willing). Had I not “lost control” as it were, I wouldn’t have had the chance to cultivate awareness and learn something interesting about myself and the other person. And I’d rather live a vibrant life full of out-of-control, lesson-learned mistakes than be someone else’s version of perfect.

3. Release control and know that all will happen just as it should. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Oh my god. Someone check my blood pressure. This needs to stop immediately. There are definitely moments where we need to relax our grip on control, but to say that things are happening as they should and that we’re all exactly where we’re supposed to be is fucking naive, entitled, white people bullshit.

Would you stand in front of Michael Brown’s family and say that all happened as it should and that they are exactly where they are supposed to be? Will you tell the surviving families of suicide/cancer/AIDS victims that everything happened as it should and that they are exactly where they should be? Too dramatic? Okay. Fair. How about this: you find out your boyfriend is cheating on you, so you call your best friend to properly lose your shit. She says, “You can’t control him, girl. All is happening as it should and you’re exactly where you need to be right now.” Even if that seems intellectually true, in the moment, you would probably wonder why the hell you call this person your best friend.

Shitty things happen in this world and they hurt really badly and they tear us up inside. This pain doesn’t always form a scar and sometimes we don’t “get over it.” Sometimes it’s just always there and hurting and we have to learn to live with the pain (which is very possible — ask me how). But that doesn’t mean it can be white-washed with your new-age feel-good quote. It is just wrong to say these assumptive things to a room full of strangers. You do not know what they are processing.

Encourage people to soften their grip on control all day long, but instead of telling them they’re right where they should be, perhaps you could suggest that they are doing the best they can with the tools they have. And, if right now, those tools are rusty or angry or missing, THAT IS OKAY.

If you need me, I’ll be over here pretending to not care that this may have pissed you off while I worry that I should have just kept my mouth shut.

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I’m currently on the road, traveling the U.S., teaching people how to be okay with being human through movement, meditation and writing. You and your friends should come to one of my classes. Check out my tour schedule.