7 Weird Things I Learned After Not Drinking Booze for 75 Days
Shortly after Christmas, I decided to stop drinking alcohol. My reasoning was pretty simple and unoriginal. I was drinking for the wrong reasons (ex: ow my heart hurts and I don’t want to feel this) and once I started, I had a hard time stopping. Correct me if I’m wrong, but alcohol should be this thing in a glass that you consume when celebrating or having a hoot with your pals. For me, however, it was a magical poison that made me feel more fun while conveniently postponing feeling things that felt gross.
My “rock bottom,” as they say, was more like a stone skipping across the surface of a clear lake. With each skip, the stone hit a new depth and with it came more shame, regret, pain and guilt.
The day the stone made its final skip came when I was sitting with my favorite people in one of my favorite places. They were telling me something that was probably really interesting, but instead of listening to them, I was thinking about how it would be totally fine if I had one more glass of wine, even though I said I was only going to have two and the second glass wasn’t even halfway gone.
In my 75 days of going dry, I’ve planned a 3-month road-trip touring the country teaching writing and meditation as a means of healing, lost 10 lbs. and saved a lot of money. Oh, and my skin is fucking radiant, you guys.
I am not in AA and I don’t think that program is for me, but I’m happy to hear it has worked well for so many people. I chose to read The Biology of Desire: Why Addiction is Not A Disease and I recommend it to all people everywhere for all of time.
I expected a lot of different things to happen when I quit drinking (mostly that the heavens would open up and all the things I’ve ever wanted would be placed delicately at my feet by an angel that looked like Justin Timberlake or Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and most of them didn’t happen (which is kind of lame, but fine, I guess). Instead, the following weird things happened:
1. I got super sad.
I thought, by removing the depressant, the depression would just sort of go away. But, as it turns out, I was using alcohol to depress the depression, so that just meant I had a whole lot of hurt I had to feel. Weird.
2. I lost some really good friends.
It wasn’t super dramatic, but there were a few people who just didn’t know how to be around me if I wasn’t doing the one thing we always did together. I totally get where they’re coming from because I’ve done that to other friends, but it still kind of sucks.
3. My dreams became fiercely vivid.
Three nights ago, I stress dreamed about all of the men I’ve ever loved, in chronological order. Last night, I dreamed that I was hired to be in a music video and I danced the whole night away. Weird.
4. I re-designed my emotional responses to stress.
Now that I can’t drink the feelings away, I have to sit with them. I get to (yes, get to) watch as they go from butterflies to anger to I HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT THIS to WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE THIS GO AWAY to oh ok, I guess I’m fine. It’s a lot like when you hold in a fart so long that it sort of goes back inside you for awhile. Then, later when it makes its exit, it’s not weird — it’s just a fart. Weird.
5. I don’t miss drinking.
I thought I would die from craving a Bells Two Hearted on a Friday night. And while I still believe that is a fine beer worthy of any good chap, I know that I can’t drink it without drinking 6 of them. I do, however, miss sitting at a bar and chatting with a good friend. And lucky for me, bartenders give 0 fucks if you just make sure you tip well. Kind of unexpected and weird.
6. I’m a better listener.
Hey, so sorry to all my friends who ever went to the bar with me. After beer 4, I’m pretty sure I just pretended to listen to you while I people-watched or looked at my phone under the table thinking that you didn’t notice. Sorry. Weird.
7. I happy-cry a lot more.
Earlier today, I was walking through the woods while it was snowing (because that’s my life now) and I heard a crow caw and some birds chirping and I thought about how lucky I am to have this life and animals and know what they are and then I started crying really hard and it felt really good. Definitely weird.
I plan to continue this little drink-free life as long as it takes. Which is annoying and not definitive and bothers a lot of people. But, like, whatever, you know?
I’m currently on the road, traveling the U.S., teaching people how to get their lives in order by using movement, meditation and writing. You and your friends should come to one of my classes. Check out my tour schedule.
