Here’s the one thing I obsess over when I’m all alone

I’m feelin’ myself.

That subhead made you think this was going to be about something naughty, huh? Sorry, buddy. That darn Beyoncé-based clickbait got the better of you, once again.

Anyhoo, today marks the beginning of an especially challenging portion of my three-month road-trip-yoga-tour-adventure. For the next three weeks, I’ll be staying in empty homes/apartments in towns where I don’t already have pre-established friendships. Up until now, I’ve stayed with friends who know what I’ve been processing and learning over the last several years (which is a lot).

I also don’t have a partner or a best friend who I can text all day long. And while that’s probably for the best because I should be paying attention to what is in front of me, it’s also sort of scary to be out here, alone, with my thoughts and the temptations of behaving differently now that no one is watching or checking in on me on a daily basis.

I’ve had practice with this alone time in the car, but there’s a time limit there. Each time I drive to a new location, I have x hours until my next stop. During that time, I give myself the permission to think about whatever I want and wander into the lightest and darkest parts of my mind. When I’m done driving, I go on a run and get to yoga to get out of my head and back into my body. It works great.

But now, I’m just chilling alone all day until I teach my workshops. Do you know how good I am at stalking old flames on the Internet? DO YOU? I AM VERY GOOD. It doesn’t matter if I’m on the beach or at a cool museum seeing the world. I can totally blow off that stuff and find things out about you that you didn’t know about yourself. It is a great and terrible skill of mine.

Now, before you get all fussy, I realize this is a massive luxury and literally all my friends who live in tight quarters in NYC or those who are parents would KILL for this much time alone.

But allow me to remind you that I’m not particularly fond of myself most of the time. I also subscribe to the notion that I am difficult to love and that I will never be good enough. I used to drown this in alcohol and Seamless orders, but now I can’t. I just have to work through these normal human thoughts without numbing them out. So, like, cut me some slack.

I’ve really been enjoying this transparency vibe I’ve been putting out there, so I’ve decided to admit the one thing I can’t stop thinking about when no one is looking. This is more for me, than it is for you, I think. I’m hoping that by putting this out there, I’ll have to be more mindful of my own mind. Accountability really works for me. And maybe you’ll take an honest look at what you’re mulling over and decide to reframe it. Maybe not.

Here goes:

Relationships. I think about the ones that ended a long time ago, the ones that ended recently and the ones that have been put on hold. Friends and otherwise. I have entire conversations with those people and I imagine where we would be and what we would be doing when we meet. I think about my outfit and what shape my body is in. I get so wrapped up in this fantasy/nightmare that sometimes I cry. I wonder if I’m going to be single forever. I wonder if I’m ever going to be good enough for the kind of partner I want in life. I think about those of you who say you’ve found “the one” and I wonder if you’re lying and you just picked someone because you couldn’t bear to be alone. And I don’t blame you because being an adult without your person is really hard and scary.

Okay so that’s it, I admitted it, I’m gonna go now. BAIIII.

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I’m currently on the road, traveling the U.S., teaching people how to get their lives in order by using movement, meditation and writing. You and your friends should come to one of my classes. Check out my tour schedule.