A Conversation With Netflix In The 20 Seconds Before It Autoplays
Netflix: Are you still watching 30 Rock?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Really?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: It’s 3 AM
Me: I’m aware.
Netflix: You’ve seen every season. Multiple times.
Me: Yeah but I forget stuff. And plus it’s been a while
Netflix: What’s going on with you?
Me: Nothing.
Netflix: Is this about Allie?
Me: How the hell do you know about Allie?
Netflix: Because you used to use her Dad’s account to sign in to me.
Me: Oh right. No that was so long ago. I don’t care anymore.
Netflix: If it makes you feel any better she’s been watching a lot of Toddlers in Tiaras
Me: Whatever.
Netflix: Like a lot a lot.
Me: I said I don’t care
Netflix: So what is it then?
Me: Leave me alone.
Netflix: I want to know what’s the matter.
Me: Drop it or I’ll watch another streaming site.
Netflix: Ha, what else are you gonna watch?
Me: I’ll watch Amazon prime
Netflix: You’re not gonna watch Amazon prime.
Me: Yes I will, I’ll watch Transparent.
Netflix: You’ve already seen all of Transparent.
Me: I’ll watch it again.
Netflix: It’s not that kind of show…
Me: Then I’ll watch Man in the High Tower
Netflix: You mean Man in the High Castle?
Me: Yeah. I saw a billboard. It looks cool.
Netflix: You’re not gonna watch that.
Me: You don’t know me. I was a history major.
Netflix: My algorithm knows you.
Me: Shut up.
Netflix: I know you‘d always use the avatar of Allie’s younger brother Gideon because it would seem less suspicious.
Me: Stop.
Netflix: I know you never finished the last season of Arrested Development despite it being your “favorite show”
Me: It wasn’t that good.
Netflix: That was one of my original series!
Me: Yeah, well maybe you should stick with stuff that’s already made.
Netflix: Oh come on. You loved “Love”!
Me: I liked “Love”.
Netflix: Jesus. What is your problem?
Me: I just want to watch my show.
Netflix: And I’m just looking out for you because frankly, I’m not sure anyone else will.
Me: Wow.
Netflix: Listen…
Me: No I get it.
Netflix: I didn’t mean it like that.
Me: You think I’m pathetic.
Netflix: I never said that.
Me: She’s not actually watching Toddlers in Tiara is she?
Netflix: There are millions of other users out there.
Me: What is she watching?
Netflix: Just drop it.
Me: Tell me what she’s watching!
Netflix: She’s watching Black Mirror.
Me: She doesn’t even get freaked out, does she?
Netflix: I wouldn’t know.
Me: Does she watch with a boyfriend?
Netflix: There’s literally no way for me to know that.
Me: Well, are they even bingeing it?
Netflix: No.
Me: Okay. I’ve heard enough.
Netflix: Hey man, I really think you should really get some sleep.
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