Average Dude’s Take On The Season Premiere Of The Bachelor

I was originally apprehensive about approaching my editor with the proposition of dedicating my next piece to The Bachelor, AKA America’s sixth major sport (NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, and the Real World/ Road Rules Challenge). I was under the impression that I would be met with responses like “The Bachelor isn’t a sport” and “you should re-evaluate your priorities if you want to continue your writing career.” Yet, here we are! The term “sport” is shrouded in ambiguity and gets thrown around loosely these days. Where do we draw the line? Overweight bald guys without a drop of athleticism in their bodies are often featured on ESPN through Poker, bowling, and darts. The battle for the final rose has higher stakes and is a competition in every sense of the word. Competitive stakes have never been higher as contestants fight to stay relevant once the show ends. They know they can make a living through ads on social media and live a life that wasn’t previously accessible if they play their cards right. This leads to ridiculous behavior in order to stand out as well as more pressure packed situations than you will ever see in a regular season game filled with a bunch of dudes phoning it in.

Most of the girls seem like they’re not that into Nick. Probably because they’re not. ABC would have casted older, more mature women for the 36 year old Nick if they were serious about the whole love thing. He’s going to pick someone no matter what, the producers will get the love story they want, so why not choose the most entertaining girls possible?

30 Minutes of Talking About How Nick Used To Be Really Shitty But Now Appears To Be Less Shitty

• Chris Harrison never calls this the “most dramatic/entertaining/insane/etc season ever” during the intro trailer. I’m beginning to lower my expectations.
• The former bachelors/ bachelorettes coming back to give advice is always a drag. At least Eskimo bro Ben Higgins was there to throw some shade with fellow bachelor buddies Sean Lowe and Chris Soules. Ben and Sean have relatively remained in the public eye while Chris has faded off and has to be dangerously close to joining farmersonly.com. Coming back to give the new bachelor advice is his super bowl; his one shot a year to stay relevant. His appearance was once again dull and reminded everyone why he is the human equivalent of unflavored oatmeal.
• This is the worst part of every season. Nick had his heart broken, has great abs, and appears to have made strides in the not being a massive tool department. We get it. You’re not going to want to miss the intro section where attractive girls put their poor social skills on display. So now would be a good time to write some holiday thank you cards or literally do anything else.

The Best 90 Minutes Of The Year

That’s dolphinately a shark

Alexis was America’s champ from night one. Turns out dolphin girl has a name. It’s evident that Nick values stability and having your shit together. Not sure if aspiring dolphin trainer meets his criteria for a wife. What does that even mean? Like are there qualifications? Can I put aspiring Superbowl winning quarterback for the Patriots on my resume? Her lack of general dolphin knowledge, such as differentiating them from sharks, is appalling given her dedication to the animal. She’s making a massive mistake if she isn’t rocking the dolphin suit while making paid appearances for events at aquariums and bars across the country.

Dolphin Girl was obviously cast for the early season laughs but I give her props for remaining confident and true to herself in such an inorganic environment. That’s something very few girls from last night could say. It also shielded her from any criticism of her actual personality while other girls were cowering in fear of rejection.

Perhaps Alexis’ authenticity shined because she was the last one out of the limo and was preceded by an abundance of cringe worthy introductions. Nick’s a pretty easy dude to read. He’s not scared to give the girls a weird look or give them a smirk of approval. It was evident he wasn’t feeling the cliche one liners. The dude is 36 and single, there can’t be too much he hasn’t heard yet. I’ll give the girls some slack because of all the cameras plus they’ve been watching Nick on TV for like eight years at this point. He’s a massive celebrity to them. The intros aren’t everything, just ask Jojo and her unicorn mask; but these bottom 5 are gonna have a hard time bouncing back.

5. Jaimi- She said “noseballs.” Don’t care if she followed that up with explaining how she cured cancer.

4. Taylor- “Hi, my friends think you suck, but I got offered a chance to be on TV so I’m willing to pretend to like you.”

3. Josephine- Not even the world’s best hot dog could have saved her from that awful “wiener in my book” pun. The fact that it was uncooked just sends her farther down the list.

2. Jasmine G- starts with the low blow of “I know you’ve done this a million times.” Follows that up with Neil Lane and her wedding ring plans. Do less.

1. Lauren- oh man she really blew this one. A beautiful 30 year old with a law degree. I thought she was poised to make a deep run before she opened her mouth with that awful joke about his name. She never recovered from the brutal awkward silence after. Not even a sympathy laugh. I wish her well in paradise.

Winner And Losers

Winners

Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, and the two Danielle’s are all beautiful and appear to have a great head on their shoulders. They’re the big winners from last night. I have a hard time seeing anyone other than them receiving the final rose. Maybe someone like Lacey or Elizabeth sneaks in there. No one else really matters. Corrine is super hot but she said vajeen so she’s automatically disqualified. Does anyone really care though? Let’s move on to girls melting down on national television.

Losers

• Jasmine G- Based on the trailer, looks like she’ll be making weekly appearances in the loser section until her elimination. She had the first cry of the season 80 minutes in. I then realized it was 80 minutes of TV time, which is probably like 3 hours of actual time; and that’s even more embarrassing.
• Kristina- I was expecting an adorable southern belle from Kentucky. Needless to say I was shocked when I first heard her speak. Is she from a foreign country? If so, why would she ever settle in Kentucky? Can’t be the case. Having a retainer or having peanut butter on the roof of her mouth seems more likely. It’s also possible her voice was altered because she was holding back tears for most the night. She had a complete breakdown while she was waiting for her name to be called. I feel bad for the girl as she was clearly overwhelmed by the whole experience. She seems sweet and I’m rooting for a rebound.
• Corrine- You would think that Corrine and her platinum vajeen would be able to meet guys at her millionaire business owner conventions. She appears to get the villain edit from the producers. Which is understandable because she is most likely upset about not having her nanny cool her down with an over-sized fan and feed her cucumbers upon her request. The most confusing thing about Corrine is her mysterious bag of tokens. She gave Nick one hug token upon meeting him outside of the mansion. Fast forward a hour or so and she has an entire bag of the tokens. Whatever, that’s the least of my problems with her. She’s clearly viewing this as a competition as opposed to an opportunity to get to know someone. HOT TAKE: she gets sent home shortly after mid season coitus conformation. HOTTER TAKE: She’s dating OBJ a year from now.
• Liz- “I didn’t give you my number at first but then I found out you were the Bachelor and now I want to date you and be famous”… or something like that. Fuck outta here.