Spoiler Alert
You saw the original Star Wars at the local drive-in, Labor Day weekend, 1977, before you started kindergarten. I guess it hit a nerve, you couldn’t process any of it at that time, but you were in foster care. An orphan, like Luke Skywalker. Your dad had been in the war and disappeared when he got back. He was just some warrior legend. Riding off into the desert with his motorcycle gang.
Seeing a movie in the theater was a big deal. The drive-in movie theater an even bigger deal. You were outside, running around with your friends as the summer dusk swam in. There were people all around; eating, drinking, fucking. It was like some half-assed party on the edge of town. It got dark and you heard the crickets and saw the stars. Smelled the popcorn and car exhaust, the keg beer, sex, cigarettes and perfume. Then a giant wall lit up and hundreds of metal speakers called out. Then you saw some real crazy shit. ’70s horror film previews, bouncing blondes, war movie explosions. All kinds of madness with the voice of god ringing out all around you.
Then the Star Wars music started and you were mesmerized. The massive spaceships that looked as if they were floating over your own little hometown in the distance. The lasers and robots and Darth fucking Vader! It was all so completely overwhelming.
Back then, you only got to see a movie one time and that was it. Cable didn’t exist. There was no downloading, or streaming, DVD, VCR, or laser disk. A movie showed up. You saw it once, then you retold it at recess and after school. You made up your own terrible story. Re-membered out of your five year old brain, about whatever it was all about. Fashioning light sabers out of sticks. Back then, there were no Star Wars toys. Can you imagine? You had to wait a whole year before Kenner figured out there was money to be made.
After a couple of years, you heard there was going to be a Star Wars II: The Empire Strikes Back. You heard rumors that Darth Vader was actually Luke’s father?! WTF??!! You were not capable of thinking about it in any conscious fashion. You were so excited to see the movie you didn’t sleep the night before. And when you went opening night it destroyed you.
The Empire Strikes Back gave birth to the entirety of Generation X.
It was fucking horrific. Imagine! Fill a theater with a bunch of elementary school kids who’ve been playing the hero wins, the happy ending. Playing Luke & Han and Princess Lea and Chewbacca for three years. Then make a new movie and have a bunch of terrible horrible shit happen to them. Basically, the main bad guy freezes Han in a block of carbon and cuts off Luke’s hand and tells him he’s his father. Luke has to join Darth Vader or be destroyed by him. Luke refuses and jumps to his death, but somehow survives. The end. Oh, and Yoda! Throw a bunch of Zen shit in there to really fuck up everyone!
You felt numb. You couldn’t process any of it. Maybe there were kids out there like you who’d never met their dad. He was still out there somewhere. Was he evil?! And other kids with a dad: Was he the bad guy? Did he work for evil? Was he a machine who could cripple and destroy you if pushed?
Our heroes got their asses kicked. Our heroes got their ass kicked by their dads. The end.
Heady stuff for elementary school kids. You were left to ponder in silence a few more years ’til part three: Return of the Jedi. By then you were eleven/twelve years old, too cool to play with toys and go to kid movies. Sure, you went, but you didn’t really talk about it like you did in elementary school. You were in middle school now. You didn’t go trick or treating anymore. You played football, rode dirt bikes, and went hunting.
“Did you see Return of the Jedi?”
“Yeah, it was OK.”
Fucking Ewoks.
Now you’re gonna go see the brand new Star Wars movie. Your wonderful spouse surprised you with tickets. Sure, you’ve seen all the terrible prequels. Saw the final prequel in Paris in Pigalle with a friend. You went to the non-subtitled French-dubbed version. Because why fucking not? It was a joke.
Star Wars ended with the Empire Strikes Back. The first Star Wars was just a childhood fantasy, but the Empire Strikes Back was fucking reality. The heroes got their asses kicked and the movie ended in confusion and chaos. Everyone was alone.
So, go buy your toys, play your childish fantasy and fan fiction. We all know how this ends.
