The Bachelor Recap: Can Nick Finnish?
It’s been 11 weeks and all that is left are some bad Finnish puns, a couple Finnish condom wrappers, and some stale DD cupcakes leftover from that insane Bachelor viewing party. Oh, and Nick needs to make a decision about who to give a placeholder ring too. How could I have forgotten that what this show is really about is finding everlasting love?
After some Chris Harrison preamble we return to somewhere way fucking north in Finland. ABC blesses us with shots of Nick wandering through the snow searching for answers, but I care less about the game of spousal Pong going on in his head (since we all know who wins) and more about his attire. Nick‘s winter coat is so absurd it could only be accessorized with the infamous Lenny Kravitz blanket scarf. ABC has flown 65% of Nick’s family into town to help him make the biggest professional decision of his reality dating life. Bella has obviously made the trip to Finland as well and put on a brave face for her brother, while privately questioning why she has to miss another soccer game to make her 15th appearance on the ABC dating show.
Meanwhile, Nick’s parents are catatonic from either the jet lag, or more likely because they can’t believe their son has put them in this position for a third time. Sure, this time around Nick is in the driver’s seat, but I can’t imagine the lovely Viall parents are thrilled with seeing their son go further down the reality dating rabbit hole. The discussion revolves around concern over Nick being left heartbroken holding a Neil Lane diamond, but in reality I’m guessing a large portion of the Vialls’ angst has to do with their son’s chosen career path. Software sales is an actual profession that results in an actual salary. Professional reality dater isn’t a great resume builder, and last I checked The Bachelor doesn’t offer a 401K matching program. And at 37 these things are starting to become an issue. Nick, you aren’t alone.
I don’t want to think about what my parents would say or do to me if I put them in this position. My mom doesn’t even like having her picture taken, let alone be on national television. She’s gotten so good at avoiding the camera there are times I thought she may have been a spy. I’m talking Jason Bourne level tradecraft. She’s mastered using the pot rack hanging in her kitchen as a tool to avoid her face being on camera. Seriously.
Raven is the first to meet Nick’s parents and she greets Nick with the classic running jump straddle hug. Given my height and semi-sour personality, I know I will never be the type to receive that greeting. I’m ok with that. Raven does an excellent job with Nick’s family. She hits all the important check marks when meeting someone’s parent’s for the first time. As a friend once said, “You’re just trying to play .500 ball when meeting the potential in-laws.” Raven accomplishes this, the trouble though is we all know she isn’t going to win.
It’s now Vanessa’s turn to meet Nick’s parents. But, Vanessa is not looking to just hit a double and get out of the dinner unscathed. She wants to hit a home run. So she delivers the relationship equivalent of Al Pacino’s “Inches” speech to Nick’s family. Everyone in the room is moved, except for Nick, who follows up Vanessa’s speech by basically saying, “Uh yea. What she said.”
Vanessa then sits down with Nick’s dad and they are both reduced to tears talking about how relationships require more than love, and that they involve compromise and sacrifice. I’m learning so much from this show. Am I being too much of a dick for thinking it’s a red flag if the person you bring home to meet the family cries in front of them the first time they meet? I can’t be the only person feeling this, right? Vanessa says her goodbyes, and is the clear winner in the family’s eyes after connecting with them on her Adam Dunn-esque all or nothing swing.
With the forced family time taken care of, it’s on to the final dates, and I’m now rejoicing, because there is only an hour left in this season, which means I can dedicate the rest of this month’s tv thoughts to Big Little Lies. Vanessa has her date with Nick first, which includes a horseback ride through the frosted trees of Finland and a visit with an older gentleman playing a Finnish Santa. Yes. That’s right. They are going to spend time in a log cabin with a man dressed as Santa. Vanessa and Nick perform their best verbal gymnastics to make a meeting with a fictional reverse cat burgler who enslaves an entire population, about their relationship. After some gift giving the playdate with the old man in a Santa outfit comes to a merciful end, leaving Nick and Vanessa plenty of daylight to talk more about their feeling and relationship. It doesn’t go too well.
The evening portion of the date turns into a discussion about their afternoon discussion about their feelings and relationship. Confused why they are together? Me too. At some point Nick says, “I need every moment to get there,” when talking with Vanessa about putting a ring on it. And Vanessa is a lock to be who Nick picks. How is this possible? The date ends in tears, kissing noises and light petting.
You know the end of Marley & Me when Owen Wilson takes Marley on one last walk through the tall grass of memory lane? Well, Nick’s final date with Raven was a lot like that. It even included puppies. But before the puppies, Nick and the producers recreated their first date together by clearing a frozen pond for some skating. Nick isn’t as good an ice skater as someone from Wisconsin should be. It doesn’t matter, because they share a couple of laughs before once again lying on an inhospitable surface and making out. At night they enjoy their final moments together before Nick sends Raven off to a future of 10K Instagram followers and an appearance on Bachelor in Paradise.
We’ve finally reached the end. Nick has his meeting with Neil Lane, who helps Nick pick out a ring for Vanessa that she’ll proudly wear for any public event over the next six months, before their contract with ABC ends. I’d love to talk to someone about what happens to these rings after the inevitable breakup. Do we think the ring is real and not just a placeholder like the blank Oscar everyone gets to hold for 10 minutes? The ring is now picked and Nick and Neil have bro hug before we conclude this dramatic dreck.
[Cut to five Beauty & the Beast commercials]
The producers give us some unnecessary engagement foreplay, making the last 15 minutes of the show as agonizing as a 10 point NBA game with two minutes left.
First out of the limo is Raven. Nick begins to well up as he tells Raven that he won’t be choosing her. This was always expected, but somehow in this moment Raven produces the best line of the season, by saying, “I know,” stone faced after Nick dumps her and says he’ll miss her. It’s been almost exactly one year since television has produced a moment when someone showed this level of ice in their veins. That moment being when Kris Jenkins sunk the game winning shot to win the National Championship for Villanova. What an incredible performance by Raven. Sure, she cries a bit in the limo, but I don’t think I know anyone that could keep it together in that final moment, and that includes my own cynical trash-self.
The rest goes as scripted. Nick gets on one knee and proposes to Vanessa, even though everyone in the room — including Nick and Vanessa — and everyone at home know this relationship won’t last. This was only further confirmed watching the two of them interact during the post show. And it took me a minute, but I figured out what kind of couple the two of them are. They are the couple when out to dinner with a group get into a whisper fight at the end of the table and begun mouthing “Not now,” and “Not in front of our friends,” to one another while making butthole faces with their mouthes. And then 20 minutes later when the evening moves to a bar they double Irish exit to go fight it out at home, while one person announces to the rest of the remaining group that Nick and Vanessa were in a fight and needed to go home. But this doesn’t happen just one time, it happens EVERY time they are out with friends.
Happy future Nick and V!!! I hope Nick finds love someday (No, seriously.) but it ain’t with Vanessa.
One last thing, for those of you who took the time to read my vapid drivel about The Bachelor, thank you. It means a lot. I’m serious. I’m not being sarcastic. Hey, I’m not a total monster.
BONUS AFTER THE ROSE THOUGHTS
- Raven and Rachel both came out to the couch engulfed in flames. It’s a guarantee that the Bachelor/Bachelorette runner-up comes out looking as good as they will ever look in their lives. It’s like going up another level beyond your wedding day.
- The long haired bro Blake definitely played long stick midfielder in high school.
- Dean fulfilled the destiny of all Deans by coming out of the chute saying something kinda racist to Rachel.
See you fools in April.
