The Bachelor Recap: Emo Intel Briefings
*Cue Music*
BAH BAH BAH BAAAAM! BAH BUM! BAH BUM!
Hello, and welcome to the 2017 Viall Bowl. Don’t confuse the name as a clever play on words, because neither Corinne or Taylor are viable marriage options for our bachelor, since Nick was born the year America Gigolo came out and the two ladies were still picking boogers during the Y2K scare. (Doesn’t that feel like a quaint time right about now?) I‘m your host Andrew Adams, coming to you live from inside an empty styrofoam cup on Bourbon St.
It’s going to be a fierce competition this week as both ladies would like to get one more free vacation out of their Bachelor experience. On one side we have Taylor, a 23 year old mental health professional with a masters degree in Emotional Intelligence, a PHD in Self-admiration and minor in “Did You Know I Went To Johns Hopkins?”
And on the other sideline we have Corinne. She’s 24 years old and is pursuing a career in becoming famous and moonlighting as a salesperson for a garage flooring company owned by her family. A rival scout noted Corinne’s strengths are her ability to guzzle champagne and her platinum reproductive organs. Another scout said Corinne’s game, “reminded him of Wes Welker on molly at the Kentucky Derby. Both are scrappy and prone to slurred speech.”
Before getting to the main event lets get in a quick recap of the rest of the week.
We find ourselves still in the fucking Cheese State, with Taylor and Corinne going at it while sharing a sherpa lined blanket. It’s an odd strategy for both sides, but one that may ultimately prove to be effective. The argument went as follows:
Taylor: You don’ t have emotional intelligence. You don’ t have emotional intelligence. You don’ t have emotional intelligence. You don’ t have emotional intelligence. You don’ t have emotional intelligence. You don’ t have emotional intelligence.
Corinne: I DO have emotional intelligence. I DO have emotional intelligence. I DO have emotional intelligence. *slurps down her chardonnay* I DO have emotional intelligence. I DO have emotional intelligence. I DO have emotional intelligence. *finishes Taylor’s chardonnay*
The argument ends with Taylor saying that it’ll be, “terrifying if Corinne gets a rose.” Dear, just wait till the 4th week of 2017 when a liver spotted nut sack takes human form and starts re-writing immigration policy. That’s true terror.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. Nick sends home Sarah, the SoCal school teacher and Astrid, the large breasted female who wore a sports bra that offered as much support as Roger Goodell gives to NFL players. HEYOOO. Sarah cries because she, like many women and men before her, is worried that she’ll never find love. Astrid doesn’t give an exit interview because she’s ready to get the F out of Wisconsin.
With the remaining women also ready to leave the frozen barn, Nick hints at the next location by saying, he’s “jazzed” to go there and is ready to “spice it up.” What Nick was trying to say was that they are all going to New Orleans. I’m just going to store myself in a meat locker and wait to be reanimated when we are at war with the machines because any life is better than this one.
There is another montage of the women boarding a commercial flight to New Orleans, that got me to thinking which would be worse, flying with the women of The Bachelor, the men of The Bachelorette or this group of hawks a Saudi prince bought 80 tickets for.
My rankings:
- Bachelor women
- Muzzled hawks
- Bachelorette JV-Necks
The women are in New Orleans and I’m pretty jealous. I’ve only been to New Orleans once, and lord it was a great trip. The highlights were attempting to steal a Tulane Security golf cart and getting blind drunk with my friend Kristen by recklessly using the “emergency only” credit card at Pat O’Briens and other establishments. (Mom, Im still not sorry for that.)
The first date for Nick this week is a one on one with Rachel, our civil rights attorney and rare adult in the house. They have one of the better Bachelor dates in recent memory exploring the city, having some fat time eating beignets and dacing in a second line. Organizing my own parade has been a dream of mine since Hannibal Burress mentioned this was possible in one of his comedy albums. Someday I will have my own parade. Throughout the date it’s hard to tell if Rachel is excited to be spending time with Nick, or just happy to be away from the other ladies in the house.
The dinner portion of the date takes place in a warehouse filled with Mardi Gras floats. Rachel talks about her family and mentions that her dad is a federal judge, to which Nick replies, “Is he intimidating?”
No Nick, the federal judge is going to be totally welcoming to some bro who’s been on a dating show three times, had two engagements rings returned to sender, and brings an army of cameras into his family’s home. In fact, when you meet Rachel’s family it’s going to be just like the romcom going on in your head. At first Rachel’s dad will be standoffish and skeptical, but her mother will privately tell him to keep an open mind. Maybe there will be a whacky uncle or a family dog that has a penchant for peeing on your leather jackets. Either way, hilarity will ensue and the whole weekend will wrap up nicely with a kiss while some Counting Crows song plays in the background.
The date ends and Rachel obviously gets the rose.
It’s group date time, and the ABC producers in all their brilliance decide to have the date at a haunted plantation. So, there’s that. Even if choosing to ignore the setting, the date is immediately forgettable. Their host is a rather haggard looking man named, Boo. You get the sense that Boo has more than one running bar tab, which has contributed to him waking up on dozens of occasions wearing nothing but his tighty-whiteys and a Hurricane stain down his chest. Boo tells Nick and the ladies that the plantation is haunted by a little girl named May. For reference, she looks like a washed version of Leo in Man in the Iron Mask.
Back at the JW Marriott Corinne and Taylor are preparing for their two-on-one in very different ways. Corinne opts to treat herself to an extravagant meal of steak, biscuits, caesar salad, wings, “cheesy pasta” and chocolate cake. Taylor opts for the much more controversial strategy of sniffing glue and surrounding herself with tea lights while she looks at herself in the mirror.
At the haunted plantation, the evening group date rose is on display in a jar similar to the one housing the magical rose in Beauty and the Beast. This is a clunky cross-promotion for ABC/Disney to promote the upcoming live action version of Beauty and the Beast. My only question is, if this rose is magical like the one from the fairy tale does it mean that if all the petals fall off the spell will be broken and all the women will realize they are fighting over a former mid-level software salesman that has no future career prospects other than a yearly appearance on a dating show and endorsing some certified organic yoga pants made from beet runoff? Is that a no? Fine.
Nick makes out with a number of the ladies on the date and at some point Raven breaks the love seal and is the first to tell Nick she loves him. This could have happened earlier in the episode, but it’s all starting to run together and I’m starting to lose interest. While Nick has alone time, the other women walk around the haunted plantation and look for signs that May, a ghost that is not real, is real. The date ends with Danielle M. getting the rose.
And now it’s time for what we’ve all been waiting for, I guess. Corinne and Taylor pack their bags and set out for their date with Nick in the bayou. Nick and the two rivals take a ride in a swamp boat, and so far the most interesting thing is the boat driver that very well may use the term, “making flowers” made famous during True Detective season one.
The three arrive at their destination and are greeted by a woman that claims she is a voodoo priestess. I didn’t know voodoo priestesses wore fedoras and Dr Martens, but I also don’t know any voodoo priestesses personally. Unfortunately for Taylor, Corinne is the first to receive alone time with Nick and she quickly goes to work. She occupies one of Nick’s brains by making out with him, and fills his other head with lies and exaggerations about how Taylor is an emotional terrorist. By the time it’s Taylor’s turn with Nick she doesn’t stand a chance. Nick chooses Corinne, and savagely leaves Taylor out in the bayou to be eaten alive by what have to be some of the most blood thirsty mosquitoes on the planet.
With victory in hand, Corinne decides to celebrate by showing up to her dinner with Nick topless.
But deep in the bayou Taylor’s rage and number of bug bights continues to grow. She offers herself up to the voodoo practitioners and prepares for battle, or what the rest of the world would call, utter humiliation. She’s crashing Nick and Corinne’s dinner date.
And then, yes, you guessed it, to be continued…..
