The Bachelor Recap: Girl In The Bouncy Castle
Last week, I said there were two possible options to explain Corinne’s behavior. The first, and most likely explanation, is that Corinne is 24 years old and most people that age are tough to be around. The second, and much less likely reason, is that Corinne’s Bachelor experience is her first time leaving her house and nanny in 24 years. Then I watched this week’s episode and watched Corinne talk breathlessly about her nanny, shrug off BSB and use the words lemon salad, cheesy pasta, and planned dancing. Add to it that this was filmed in 2016, when we all learned that the seemingly implausible is entirely possible, and I’m much more certain that Corinne has lived a life similar to Brendan Fraser in Blast From The Past.
Lets begin.
Nick begins this week nervous to tell the other girls in the house that he had a previous between the sheets experience with the freshly dismissed doula, Liz. A sweaty Express For Men clad Nick tells the rest of the females that he had met Liz and someone’s wedding — JK JK Jade and Tanner’s wedding — and that they had a one night stand. Nick braces for impact, and then….. Nothing happens, because the women in the house don’t care that Nick has had sex before, and because he left out the part that he likes to do strange shit in the boudoir. With Nick’s big confession out of the way, most of the conversations before the rose ceremony downshift to small talk, with one exception.
Corinne decides that she is once again going to try to connect with Nick on a physical level. After staring at herself in the mirror for what seemed like a good 15 minutes Corinne makes her way downstairs to greet Nick with nothing but a trench coat, whipped cream and champagne breathe. After some making out Corinne asks Nick to reach for the whipped cream, so that she can take this alone time to the next level.
Before moving on I need to make one thing clear. What Corinne did last night was not the same thing as Ali Larter’s whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues. As a former teenage boy of the 90s it’s important to me to not let people conflate the two. Ali Larter rocked the teenage boy world. It became the most talked about event since Topanga cut her hair. If you were under 18 you did whatever it took to see Varsity Blues, whether that meant using a sibling’s ID, sneaking into the theater by buying tickets to The Green Mile, or embracing the awkwardness and going with your parents.
Corinne’s move last night is something more commonly seen at strip clubs, and that’s totally fine. You do you girl. But licking the whipped cream off the breast is a strip club staple. At least it was at a certain Philadelphia BYOB establishment called Show & Tel (This isn’t a typo. It’s one L), that allowed anyone over the age of 15 in with an extra five dollars. Although there, the whipped cream was typically accompanied by being cuffed to the pole and later ridden right off the stage and onto the alcohol soaked floor (Mom, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I promise you were a good parent.)
Anyway, Corinne’s boob sundae doesn’t go as well as she’d hoped — since Nick didn’t tell Chris Harrison to end the season right there — and Corinne proceeds to cry in the bathroom before putting herself in timeout and going to bed prior to the rose ceremony. Nick ruthlessly eliminates three more blondes from the show, before saying goodnight to the remaining women.
Dressed in pajama sets and athleisure the ladies are given the next date card and the opportunity of a lifetime, to sing and dance on stage with the Backstreet Boys. Sure, Brian’s hair is all but gone. Nick and Howie are noticeably pudgy. AJ’s tattoos have started to grey and Kevin’s hair has that Just For Men tint to it, but it’s the fucking Backstreet Boys. The lucky girls gear up and meet Nick for a day of “planned dancing” and singing.
Corinne has a tough time learning the steps. Jasmine, the professional dancer, has no trouble at all. Danielle executes the moves with the confidence of someone that’s been a dancer in a music video or two, and the rest of the girls are mostly forgettable.
During the evening portion of the date, Corinne is in a complete tailspin, and eventually lets it slip that she has a nanny at age 24. She reveals that Raquel wakes her up, cuts all of her food up into bite size pieces so she doesn’t choke, does her laundry and aids in further stunting Corinne’s maturity. Ok, so she didn’t say some of that. Upon hearing this news though Jasmine offers up the most appropriate response of 2017 so far by asking, “You have a nanny? Do you have kids?”
The group date ends with Nick giving a rose to Danielle, but before that the cameras catch a shot of Dirt McGirt McGoo grabbing a fistful of Danielle’s ass. We are now three episodes in and Nick is becoming a creepier old man with each sip of his Moscow Mule.
Vanessa receives the one-on-one date card this week and takes to the sky with Nick for some zero gravity shenanigans. The date is going well until Vanessa begins to feel ill and calls for several barf bags. It affords Nick an opportunity to comfort her and look like a half decent guy, which isn’t hard at this point since the bar is buried somewhere beneath the core of the earth for our 3rd time bachelor. Overall the date has a very Hitch or fill in the rom-com of your choice feel to it, which is great for Nick since Vanessa is a total catch. It bothers me endlessly that the chest shaver has a shot with Vanessa. I think it’s my turn to vom now.
It’s time for the second group date, and it’s a bunch of track and field events since Nick ran track in high school and college. I’m calling bullshit on the college track and field. The girls and Nick are greeted by gold medal Olympians Allyson Felix, Michelle Carter and Carl Lewis. Why Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter are present for this is beyond me. I hope they got a hefty appearance fee. The same does not go for Mr. Lewis, because this is hardly his low point. For those that aren’t aware, Carl’s low point came years ago when he tried his hand at singing the National Anthem. I have to confess, the moment I saw Lewis on screen I knew I was linking to this video in my recap. Just watch.
Rachel appears to dominate a majority of the events since she is the truth. Astrid has trouble keeping her breasts in her sexy sports bra. Alexis is somewhere drinking and Domonique begins to unravel since she doesn’t feel a connection with Nick. Despite finishing the race last Astrid wins alone time with Nick after Rachel’s bad oversized-ring exchange. Unfortunately for Astrid, her alone time with Nick takes place in a hot tub on the field while she’s still wearing her now sweaty sexy athleisure attire.
During the evening portion of the date Domonique kamakazes her way out of the house by asking Nick why he wasn’t more attentive to her and her feelings during the group date. Don’t worry Domonique, you’ll be over this before the town car picks up your bags from the mansion. Nick’s head wins out over his boner, and he gives the rose to Rachel. Good job, good effort Nick.
With the three dates now in the books, Harrison returns to tell the women that at Nick’s request there will be no cocktail party, because it will be replaced by a pool party. Why? I don’t know, cause Nick’s a half gross dude. Once Mr. Head Hair Only shows up to the house the women pounce on him the way NFL players pounce on a fumble. Corinne — chasing both Nick’s heart and her first orgasim — decides that she’s going to double down on the immature/princess theme and dry hump Nick inside a bouncy castle. Nick, being the stereotypical weak willed man that he is, can’t tuck his boner into his waistband fast enough, before letting Corinne mount him.
The two bounce around the castle while doing some semi-aggressive thrusting in-between. The whole scene is mixed in with interviews of Nick talking about how much fun he has with Corinne, when was he really means is he likes the way his shaft feels against her stomach. The other girls witness this and are immediately turned off. It’s like the whole scene offers a window into Nick’s life five years from now, when he’s 59 and his too-good-for-him-wife catches him with his pants down, because he couldn’t resist the temptation of some 24 year old aspiring model he met at the prepared food aisle of Whole Foods.
After his grind party with Corinne, some of the other girls confront Nick about his actions and Corinne’s intentions. Taylor takes issue with Corinne. Raven informs Nick that Corinne still has a nanny and is a child, by telling him that she can’t do something as basic as clean a spoon. Meanwhile Nick’s pooka shell mic catches his boner yelling up at him, “But she can probably wash a fork no problem, and you can have sex with her next week!”
Before the episode ends, Vanessa confronts Nick as well, saying she doesn’t blame Corinne for what she saw, and instead questions Nick and his motives. She asks why, if Nick knows he has a certain reputation, he does what he does. Vanessa then sticks the dismount by leaving Nick to answer for his dry-humpery. I think Vanessa actually came here with the intention of meeting her husband. How on earth did she get on the show? The episode ends with Vanessa waiting for the blood to return to his brain from his dong, so that Nick can provide her with some sort of answer.
Come back next week, because Week 4 is when shit always goes down and at minimum three contestants tell the Bachelor/Bachelorette that _____ isn’t here for the right reasons.
