The Vault: Trumpocalypse Now!
Coming this winter to a theater near you.
(Unless, of course, that winter is nuclear…)
😬
Can’t tell if this is real, or just clever marketing laying the groundwork for a new Michael Bay disaster flick. If it’s the latter, the trailer looks like this…
Montage of news footage filled with people holding up MAGA signs and wearing MAGA hats. And Trump waving as he descends on a golden escalator.
VO: In a world gone mad where an insane demagogue is elected leader of the free world and gets actual access to real authentic nuclear codes.
Cut to: CU of a man’s mouth (Trump) shouting into a gold Blackberry.
Trump: OH YEAH, UN?! THEN I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!!!
Cut to: a tiny finger hitting a red button.
Cut to: fast cuts of mushroom clouds exploding over large cities.
Fade out to black.
Fade in to: a slow montage of burned out malls, schools, grocery stores, etc, from all over the world as a somber score (Mad World cover by Sergei Baronin) plays underneath.
VO: Only a few survived.
Cut to: A dreadlocked Morgan Freeman crawling out from under a smoking helicopter. He is wearing a brightly colored African robe. He brushes himself off and looks into the distance.
Cut to: Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer riding horses on a beach. Behind them in the distance we see the burning embers of a city. They stop and look behind them.
AMY SCHUMER: Wow, that was close.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Yeah.
Beat.
AMY SCHUMER: Hey, does this horse make my ass look fat?
Cut wide as Amy points to a donkey loaded with supplies.
Cut to: Seth Rogen walking along an empty highway. He is wearing hiking boots, cargo shorts, and a Nirvana t-shirt. Strapped to his back are two large hookahs with hoses that lead to his mouth.
SETH ROGEN: (coughing)
VO: It will be up to them to get to the Norwegian island of Spitsbergen to find the world doomsday seed vault hidden deep within the icy mountains. It will be up to them to recreate the food supply for the entire world. It will ALL be up to them.
Cut to: Morgan Freeman who is now in furs and snowshoes as he quietly walks through snowy woods.
Cut to: Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence in a minivan. Amy is driving.
AMY SCHUMER: The Arctic?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Yeah.
Beat.
AMY SCHUMER: I mean that just sounds cold, right?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Yeah.
Beat.
AMY SCHUMER: Maybe we should try to find some extra sweaters or something.
Cut to: Jennifer who looks at Amy blankly, and then pushes a cassette into the dash. Send Me on My Way by Rusted Root starts to play as the minivan pulls away.
VO: Michael Bay and Disney bring to the theaters this Christmas… The Vault, Trumpocalypse Now!
Cut to: Seth Rogen opening a snow covered tent flap and looking up at the morning sky. He stands for what seems like a long time before exhaling a large plume of smoke.
SETH ROGEN: Man, I love the smell of (coughing) weed (coughing) in the morning. (coughing)
VO: This film has not been rated.
Note: It practically writes itself.
Every time you click that clap a puppy gets a belly scratch, an ear rub, AND a handful of super yummy crunchy puppy treats. But if you don’t, it gets the hose again. Just saying…
