What It’s Like Not Living in Los Angeles
(A Book)
Foreword: Howard lived in L.A. from 1974 through 2014. During that time, he found neither fame nor fortune.
Preface: Hang on. First of all, it’s “Los Angeles.” Not L.A. If you’re among America’s basket of deplorables, watch this very hip and provocative film to find out why. (Yes, I fully realize the Preface is not the best place to start an argument, but still…)
Introduction: Really? If Howard had a more positive attitude, maybe he would have done better in L.A. (Yes, I fully realize that the person who wrote the Foreword should not suddenly appear in the Introduction, but I’m not going to sit here and be insulted.)
Chapter 1: Whatever.
Chapter 2: It’s Golden Globe night in Beverly Hills (not B.H.). It’s 72 degrees under mostly cloudy skies. It’s January. I now live in a small Central Oregon town. There are 10 inches of snow on the ground and the temperature’s in the teens. My car has no snow tires. But the trees are pretty.
I haven’t driven to the market in weeks.
Chapter 3: You will never win the overall weather game vs. Los Angeles. However, August and September are way better in Oregon. (i.e. generally cooler).
Chapter 4: The Golden Globes take place at the Beverly Hilton, right on the corner of Wilshire and Santa Monica Boulevards. Despite those famous street names, it’s a pretty standard corner. One night, Whitney Houston quietly slid down the side of a bathtub and died inside her Beverly Hilton suite.
Chapter 5: These sorts of things happen all the time in Los Angeles. Award shows and celebrity tragedies. The Academy Awards take place next month at the Dolby Theater in Hollywood. This used to be called the Kodak Theater, but when was the last time you used your “Instamatic” camera? That’s why Kodak had to take its name off the building.
Unless you live within a mile of the theater, you would never know anything’s going on there. On the other 364 days of the year, The Dolby Theater is somewhat anonymous. It sits at the front of an outdoor mall called Hollywood & Highland, where people dressed as “Star Wars” characters, Marilyn Monroe and Elvis hang out in an attempt to pick up a few dollars.
Chapter 6: Watching the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards makes me sad. It forces me to think about all the Los Angeles things I’m missing. The things I never thought about when I lived there in the first place. Warm evenings, year-round tennis and milky nighttime skies. Since I’m a pessimist at heart, I tend to overvalue these things while not appreciating whatever I do have. That’s a recipe for disaster. Or at least depression.
Chapter 7: A guy walks into a community radio station. A month later he’s hosting his own talk show with a license to pretty much do whatever he wants. Things happen quickly in small Oregon towns. Ha. Try that in Los Angeles!
Acknowledgments: This book would not have been possible without my Elvis mask and Marilyn Monroe heels.
