Do Men Get Imposter Syndrome? How I Gained Confidence and Hacked Self-Esteem
I kept my cool, but struggled to keep that imposter syndrome in check. Google’s offices in downtown San Francisco impressed me, took my breath away. Yet I remember — almost 15 years ago — interviewing for that coveted engineering job at Google and ultimately failing to get it.
My failure to get that Google job echoed in my mind.
I thought — what the hell did I do to deserve being here, again, in Google corporate territory?
Here I was, giving a talk on anxiety and stress, with invitations sent out to over 100,000 employees around the world. At one of the world’s most successful companies . Not only did I feel that same anxiety and stress, I thought, “Well crap, I don’t have it together myself. How can I possibly teach others to also ‘get it together?’
“Am I a fraud?” I asked myself, as I clenched my fists and caffeinated myself for the long 50+ minutes ahead.
The irony of feeling like a fraud
The irony is that I truly do have experience. For the last 10 years, I’ve helped thousands of people work through panic attacks, stress, and anxiety. I’ve helped them overcome stressful situations in some of their darkest moments.
But, as a self-confessed workaholic, it meant that no matter how much I worked, I would feel like I was never good enough.
You might share these same feelings, too. You’re a high achiever, a professional who works hard at home and in the office. You might even think that your professional career is the sole definition of success in life. Yet, you can’t shake that inner critic — and as a result, you shield yourself from outer critics!
From The Onion satire article: “Sources are confirming that everyone — absolutely everyone — will finally figure out today that your entire life is a desperately fraudulent joke, and that you yourself are nothing more than a charlatan and a hack.”
What is imposter syndrome?
Imposter phenomenon (IP) — also known as imposter syndrome — was first discussed by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes in the 1970s. They wrote about female high achievers who had “cognitive distortions” around their success. These cognitive distortions meant they had unhelpful thoughts. Research shows over 70% of folks have these feelings in career.
They write, in “The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention” published in Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice, Fall 1978:
The term impostor phenomenon is used to designate an internal experience of intellectual phonies, which appears to be particularly prevalent and intense among a select sample of high achieving women. Certain early family dynamics and later introjection of societal sex-role stereotyping appear to contribute significantly to the development of the impostor phenomenon. Despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the imposter phenomenon persists in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. Numerous achievements, which one might expect to provide ample object evidence of superior intellectual functioning, do not appear to affect the impostor belief.
In other words — those with imposter syndrome feel like phonies, frauds, even if they are truly high achieving!
It appears that this phenomenon not just occurs in women: it also happens in men as well. Anna Parkman in the Journal of Higher Education Theory and Practice cites numerous studies in which imposter syndrome appears in both men and women (Clark, Vardeman, Barbar, 2014; Cowman & Ferrari, 2002; Cozzarelli & Major, 1990; Kets de Fries, 2005; Kumar & Jagacinski, 2006; September, McCarrey, Baranowsky, Parent & Schindler, 2001; Langflord & Clance, 1993).
Dr. Clance later writes: “Even though they are often very successful by external standards, they feel their success has been due to some mysterious fluke or luck or great effort; they are afraid their achievements are due to ‘breaks’ and not the result of their own ability and competence.”
How imposter syndrome might manifest
You, too, might feel like a fraud. You might feel doubt or lack confidence in your own abilities. Success truly does not feel deserved.
You might think that you only got there because of others. You might think that others will find out you’re a liar, a fake, or that you’re not worth it.
Overworked: According to Carolyn Goener, PhD, a professor of management & organizational behavior, imposter syndrome may make you perfectionistic. You might work long hours to the point of exhaustion, prioritize work over your health, your friends, and your family. Perfectionism leads to a drive to overwork and neglect other areas of your life.
Procrastination: For some, it’s the opposite: this perfectionism makes you avoid and give up entirely because you feel nothing you do would be good enough. Or, it’s so much work that you dread doing it: you procrastinate and avoid.
Overprepared: Or, you might spend too much time overpreparing, in hopes of achieving a perfect outcome. For instance, you might spend years in school, collecting multiple degrees and certifications in order to feel confident and ready to execute. You might go to many trainings, many conferences, or buy lots of e-courses. (Sadly, this education may not necessarily result in increased confidence.)
In the cases of perfectionism, you have impossibly high standards that are difficult to achieve. You feel like you have to make everything perfect — and thus, you either overwork, procrastinate, or overprepare.
Screen Time on your iPhone, and Digital Wellbeing Tools on Android, could clue you in on your time usage. It will either show that you’re overworking by spending much of your time in productivity apps — or the exact opposite: you’re procrastinating with distracting, non-productive apps and games.
Where does imposter syndrome come from?
Some people are predisposed to having low self-esteem. For those suffering from clinical anxiety, depression, or both, this means they would lack confidence in themselves. And it may be due to the biology of their brain.
For some, a strict upbringing could lead to this. Dr. Goener surmises that growing up in a family that values achievement and success — associated with love — could lead to such lifelong habits.
Executive coach Gill Corkindale writes in the Harvard Business Review, “Embrace Your Inner Imposter”:
I went to a high school far from home and had an irrational fear (or had perhaps been told) that my classmates would be much smarter than me. I worked hard to prove I was their equal, and won a place at Cambridge. This should have reassured me, but instead I found myself in an even bigger dilemma: I felt like a complete imposter. Every single day of the three years I spent at college felt like my interview day — I was waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me there had been a mistake in admissions.
Gill also surmises that imposter syndrome comes from pressures of the business environment. It could also be the result of too much — or too little — information, education or training.
How does imposter syndrome impact your career?
Gill used her imposter syndrome to propel her career forward: “Thoughts that I wasn’t smart enough, I didn’t belong, and I would soon be found out helped propel me through school, college and work, driving me to achieve higher and higher results.”
However, imposter syndrome can impact you in many negative ways.
Dr. Goener states that you might be less efficient, less effective, and less satisfied with your work. Your time is consumed by overpreparing.
Imposter syndrome may compel you to avoid situations that are uncomfortable. You might choose to isolate yourself from peers, stay quiet during meetings, and avoid trying new things. You instead stick to your routines, limit yourself to what you know, and not leave your comfort zone.
According to Srini Pillay, a psychiatrist at Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital, you might not only try to hide your fears, but use self-destructive, impulsive behavior. Some may turn towards drinking alcohol and using drugs as a way to cope.
All this can lead to an enormous amount of stress! You feel on edge. You’re waiting for the shoe to drop.
https://twitter.com/ithinkwellHugh/status/1258645372198621184
Imposter syndrome’s other baggage
In a 2019 systematic review by Dena Bravata et al., researchers scoured all the known scientific literature, finding a harmful association between imposter feelings and job performance, job satisfaction, and burnout. They’ve found co-morbid conditions — things that could happen with imposter syndrome — including depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, somatic symptoms, and social dysfunctions.
Bravata and her colleagues also found that imposter syndrome occurs more among ethnic minorities. Minority students must face challenges, like working to support themselves in school, racial discrimination, enduring negative stereotypes, and being first in families to pursue advanced education.
In fact, imposter syndrome is associated even with “survivor guilt” or “survivor syndrome” amongst African-American freshmen college students. (“Prevalence, Predictors, and Treatment of Impostor Syndrome: a Systematic Review”) Survivors may feel guilty and distressed, even responsible, during a time when their peers, their family, or their friends are not thriving or have not survived a disaster.
How to Hack Imposter Syndrome
So how can you hack imposter syndrome? Three key hacks:
- Recognize that you’re not an imposter.
- Practice, practice, practice.
- Grow and share your experience — with other imposters!
Hack #1: Recognize You’re Not an Imposter
Bravata and colleagues’ review of consumer articles show that a common refrain is reframing: reframe or change one’s own distorted thoughts. These negative thoughts are the ones that make you feel like a fraud — so, change them!
First, pause. Notice the feeling. Name the feeling. If you were about to do a job interview, you might say, “I’m feeling nervous because I feel like they’ll find out I’m a fraud.” Naming your feeling — a technique borrowed from dialectical behavioral therapy — allows you to detach yourself from the situation, recognize it when it occurs, and give you time to think before feeling overwhelmed.
Second, ask yourself: are these imposter feelings grounded in truth? Those mean voices may turn out not to be real! Get a reality check: ask a mentor or a trusted colleague. They can confront you with the truth that you are a talented person!
Third, fight the mean voices. Talk about yourself in a kind way. If you had a friend going through a rough job interview, would you yell at them for being a fraud and an imposter — or would you say something kind and helpful?
Say something kind and helpful to yourself, too, as if you were talking to a dear friend: “It’s normal to feel like a failure at times.”
A great way to fight against those mean voices is to write a list about all the good things about yourself. Review that. Tell yourself you’re worth it.
You could review your virtual workspace:
- open your calendar app — and count the deadlines you’ve met on time
- open your to-do app — and bask at the glowing list of completed tasks
- keep an archive of e-mailed compliments in your Outlook or Gmail folder
- keep an archive of all of the positive comments you’ve gotten on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and social media networks
- open your resumé or LinkedIn profile to review your accomplishments
- list all the nice things said about you in Evernote, Google Keep, or Apple Notes
Hack #2: Practice Practice Practice
Does the imposter syndrome flare up when you speak in public? Or when you’re about to go into a high-stakes job interview? Face the fear — but in a smart way. Expose yourself to smaller, more manageable slices of your fear. Bite off what you can chew.
Fail outside of work: Practice comedy on the improv stage. Check out Toastmasters, where groups of people come together to practice their public speaking skills. This can help you develop resilience, so you can bounce back when a setback arises. And, the more you practice, and the more you incorporate others’ feedback, the better you will perform.
Learn to fail at work: Let a (non-critical) deadline slip. Dr. Goener suggests e-mailing someone with a small typo, to see if they notice! And schedule a specific duration of time to prepare a presentation — and work no further beyond that. No perfection here.
Keep a running list of failures: Make it a point to have a failure a week. I myself keep a list of missed opportunities, bad dates gone wrong, and jobs I failed to get. The point is to encourage persistence, overcome fear of failure, and eventually accelerate the pace of action.
TED talk speaker Jia Jiang started “rejection therapy,” a journey where he desensitized himself from “the pain of rejection” and overcame fear by intentionally performing daily acts that are likely to get him rejected. Every day, for 100 days, he would perform bold, potentially-embarrassing acts: asking to borrow $100 from a stranger, demanding a “burger refill” at a fast food restaurant, and even giving away money to random people.
Then, imagine the possibilities
Visualize yourself in a good way. See yourself pulling off your ultimate goal: in a position of success. You might listen to music that makes you feel good. You might even visualize a past success of yours.
There is even suggestion that “power posing” — standing up like a superhero, “chest lifted, head held high, arms either up or propped on the hips” — could boost your confidence, though with varying results.
Act the part. You’ve visualized yourself, and posed yourself. Now, practice the role you want. Being extreme and exaggerated can help compensate for any timidity. But in reality, you end up speaking — with just the right amount of moderation!
Hack #3: Grow and Share With Other Imposters
Adopt a learning, growth mindset. Have you heard of that quote, “It’s the journey, not the destination?” Take the pressure off the demand for perfect results. Focus on the process, the journey, the learning and your improvement. And, know that limitations, mistteps, and failures are part of the journey. (Andy Molinsky in the Harvard Business Review)
In fact, there can be benefits to being a novice. With fresh eyes, you can ask new questions and think of new ways to improve traditional practice. Your fresh perspective has value!
Social media: Your social media is likely filled with people who have posted a picture-perfect life — inducing envy, jealousy, and FOMO (fear of missing out) feelings in all who glance on such photos.
And it’s all too easy to think that they are better than you.
Instead, fill your social media news feed with more inspirational, more helpful content. For instance, I’ve started filling mine with:
- humor and jokes
- inspiring images from Mental Health America and the Anxiety and Depression Association of America’s Triumph Over Anxiety Instagram account
- useful information from the American Psychiatric Association’s Healthy Minds Twitter account
Discuss with others. Find trusted peers whom you could discuss your successes, share your feelings, and how to cope & combat those feelings in a constructive way.
Learning that others have this can help you feel less isolated (Andy Molinsky in the Harvard Business Review).
However, you do not want to necessarily make your team lack confidence in you. Although there are times when authenticity can be helpful, your team generally wants their leader to be confident. If you tell them that you lack something, they will be wondering why you’re their leader in the first place.
How I hacked my Imposter Syndrome
How did I ultimately overcome my Imposter Syndrome?
Believe it or not, I had much much worse imposter syndrome in the past. For over a decade, I had already prepared to reduce this anxiety as much as I could:
- Toastmasters for 1 year: This support group allowed me to give 10 speeches in front of an audience.
- Teaching hundreds of students in college for 3 years: This helped me get over fear of speaking to groups.
- Journaling about anxiety: I reflected back on my own life. Reading back at my own journal entries on my own anxiety allowed me to see how far I had progressed.
- Talks to other audiences, like this at the annual Imagine Talks social impact symposium.
In addition, I prepared as much as I could for the talk:
- Attended classes and seminars at UCSF and the Nasdaq Entrepreneurial Center on this topic.
- Researched “anxiety” and “stress” in business literature (like the Harvard Business Review) and medical journals (such those in PsychiatryOnline.org)
- Reviewed past psychiatry lectures and medical school notes.
To finally top it off, I prepared the slides, did multiple rounds of drills, and rehearsed the talk before the actual event. The imposter syndrome did not entirely go away as I stood there in Alphabet’s Talks At Google studio, but, thanks to the preparation, I dived right in!
I’m glad the talk is over!
As for that failure 15 years ago — the failure of not getting that coveted job at Google?
Well, I added my job rejection to a long, laundry list of failures I keep in Evernote. I now look back at this failure list and tell myself, “You know, I’m glad I tried. And, I learned from this.”
And it motivates me, more than ever, to teach how you — with other anxious, stressed professionals — can overcome your own personal insecurities, achieve interpersonal success, and be more content.
That’s where the inspiration for mental performance — and Mental Power Hacks — comes from.
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© 2020 Steven Chan. All rights reserved worldwide. Copyright violation may subject the violator to legal prosecution.
