Do You Know Who You Are? Hacking Imposter Syndrome with Diamond Rypka
Imposter syndrome — is it something you’ve yet to overcome? Or, having a difficult time stopping thoughts of self-doubt? Then you’ll want to learn from Diamond Rypka, who spoke at the Imagine Talks symposium on how to overcome the feeling of unworthiness and self-doubt.
Australia-based Diamond Rypka created the podcast Asian Tales to create a conversation to share the Asian American experience and insights that have made that community unique along the way. The podcast represents a beacon for individuals to look towards for inspiration and connection to identify and share knowledge and culture. Its mission is to break through barriers that others and, more importantly, the individuals have created in their mind.
Watch the Imagine Talks Podcast interview on YouTube below — Photo use permission provided by Diamond Rypka.
Find out more about Diamond Rypka:
- Instagram: @diamondrypka
- Asian Tales Podcast on Anchor, Google, Spotify, ListenNotes and PodBay
- LinkedIn: Diamond Rypka
- Facebook: @drypka
- Twitter: @DiamondRypka
- TikTok: diamondrypka
Growing up in a Japanese culture
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Diamond Rypka and I am half Japanese. However, when I look at myself in the mirror and I really look at myself, I feel like a fraud. Let me tell you a short story about my life.
When I was younger. I remember having a bowl of rice every night with dinner. My mom used to say,
“Diamy, go grab those ochawan — set the table.”
Ochawan was what we used for the rice bowls.
You know, the little small ones, usually decorative, sometimes black and red, sometimes blue and, right? But that’s what we used for rice every night. When my uncle would come and visit, he would bring mochi cakes and I was thrilled. Mochi cakes meant that we were going to have a savory soup with gooey, stretchy, delicious doughiness of mochi. When I’d stay at my grandma’s house and sit next to her and watch the Japanese cooking show in Japanese on the Japanese channel.
And I remember watching her write down in her little notepad the recipe in Japanese. This show was usually followed by a simple workout show that my grandma would force me to do with her and when we do the exercise, it was all in Japanese. After our TV session, my aunty usually would call and my grandma would leave me to watch cartoons on the TV in English now to the Cartoon Network and she would go answer the phone, “Mushi! Mushi!” and just start speaking Japanese with my aunties.
Unable to fully feel the Japanese identity
On those nights I would grab the ochawan, set the table and my grandma would serve my grandpa and I homemade teriyaki chicken with rice, sometimes with Tsukemono slices or sometimes even with Kamaboko slices — that is pickled radishes and a fishcake of sorts. When I was a kid, without being told or even expressing it, I knew I was Japanese and I felt Japanese and it felt so natural and so normal. Obviously, I didn’t feel full Japanese, and what I mean by that is I wasn’t speaking Japanese at home and for dinner we had plenty of steak, broccoli, and baked potato dinners.
But when I encountered the Japanese aspect of my life — it felt real — I really felt a part of it. Fast forward to high school, and I’m a young teen trying to create my own space, my own identity, and I start expressing this to others. What teenager doesn’t do this? I wanted to feel really special and I did something that I regret — I lied. Who doesn’t regret lying? The lies I told, though, were about my ethnicity,
I used to say that I was more Japanese than what I was, not the genetic proportion within me, I would still say that I’m half, but I’d say that the amount I partook in Japanese culture was way more than it actually was.
I used to tell people that I couldn’t pronounce certain English words because at home we only used the Japanese word, ooh so special. Not only that, I used to tell people I’d wear kimonos or traditional wear, I didn’t even know that there was a difference between kimonos and yukatas.
A desire to feel special — through lying
I still am not very familiar with the difference, but I used to tell people that, “Oh, I wore these traditional clothes this week and it was so fun. And we have these holidays like the Lunar New Year and we have this special mochi cake soup to celebrate traditions and yada, yada, yada.” Just lie on top of lie, on top of lie, on top of lie and the reason why I did this was because I wanted to feel special.
I wanted to feel like I was a part of this group of individuals that I so admired growing up. I just I wanted to be more Japanese and one of my friends in high school used to joke around and say, “Oh, Diamond, she’s our ethnic friend in the group.” And I lived for that, I absolutely loved hearing that and it was so amazing to feel this specialness, this uniqueness as a teenager and I think most teens can relate to this.
If you suddenly are set apart in a positive light — you really like that. And not even just teenagers, even adults, all people like this. But the truth of the matter is — is I can’t speak Japanese. We don’t even own traditional Japanese wear at my house — traditions, cultural holidays — I don’t know any, that’s the truth. But my friends didn’t know that, my peers didn’t know that, my teachers didn’t know that, and I grew up in an area where I was one of the only Asian families so people couldn’t fact check me.
Imposter syndrome: feeling like a fraud
Let’s fast forward again. Now, I’m in college and I’m really feeling like a fraud. I’ve now encountered what I considered to be real Asians. My friends who are Asian in college, they could speak their mother tongue — they could speak Korean, they could speak Japanese, they can speak Chinese — they were real Asians. But this meant now that they knew I was a fake and what I mean by being a fake is they knew what I knew.
I knew I couldn’t lie to them about speaking Japanese. I knew I couldn’t lie to them about when to wear traditional clothing. And I knew I couldn’t lie to them, that I celebrated these holidays because they knew — they knew the truth. They knew what it actually was and I didn’t. I’m in the dark just lying and lying and lying and lying to myself. And by the time I was a young adult, I felt impostorism.
By impostorism — I felt like a fraud, I felt like I was not a real Japanese person. I had lied for so long that I saw my own truth and it wasn’t — it didn’t live up to the expectations that I had verbally spoken aloud to people. Let’s go forward a few more years, I am now working on my higher education and I’m grasping during this time for anything that I can cling on to — to give me some sort of Asian identity, and I did my master’s program in China.
Being immersed in authentic Asian culture
Now, why did I choose China? Why didn’t I choose Japan? Well, my father actually worked in China for a little bit and I had gone to visit him. And when I visited him, it was the first time that I had experienced hands-on real Asian culture, not Asian culture that you find in Japantown or Chinatown in the States, but real Asian culture. When I walk down the streets, people were talking in Chinese — people were talking in an Asian language and that was amazing.
So I grasped onto it — it was the first experience and I latched on to it like no one’s business and I decided to pursue my education there. So I moved to China for three years and I finished my education — I worked there for a few years, but I left with a tiny feeling of regret. I thought to myself, should I have spent the last three years in China or should I have spent it in Japan? Should I have spent the last three years learning Chinese or should I have spent the last three years learning Japanese?
I feel like I should have gone to Japan and connected with my Japanese side of the family. These were the feelings of regret that I was having as I was leaving China, which is crazy because how many people can say that they lived, studied, and worked in another country and learn that language?
Recognizing your lies and regretting them
I’m so happy for my experiences that I’ve had there, but still in the deepest parts of my heart, I felt this — twang of regret. I felt like if I had gone to Japan and if I had learned the language, learned the culture, experience it hands-on — all the lies that I told as a kid — being able to speak Japanese at home, wearing kimonos, celebrating traditions, all of those lives would have been true and I wouldn’t have lied to myself.
And that was the feeling of regret that I was having — I felt less Japanese than ever and the world’s biggest fake. Now that I’m finished school and I’m living what I consider my real adult life — dealing with home loans, dealing with taxes, I was starting to feel like I’m losing the opportunity to learn and be a part of my ethnicity. I’m creating habits and traditions that I’ll be passing on to my kids eventually and none of them are Japanese related.
When people ask me now what ethnicity I am, I’m almost regretful to say that I’m Japanese. I almost don’t even want to say it. I want to give them a generic answer, “oh, I’m American, just this mixing pot.” Because I have no foundation and no background to validate that I am Japanese — I’m half my mom is full. You look at her and you’re like, “That’s a Japanese woman.” You look at me and I don’t see it, I did something this year that was really out of my comfort zone.
Taking part in Miss Asian Global
I participated in my first ever beauty pageant — Miss Asian Global — and it was during this time that I was surrounded by other Asian women. And I shared a lot of my insecurities mainly for question practice, because we weren’t sure how we were going to answer, but also so I can get to know my pageant sisters. And when I shared my insecurities and they shared their insecurities with me, I suddenly felt this giant, giant weight lifted off my chest, not because someone validated that I was Japanese.
No, no, no, no, no. That’s got to come from within, but because I realized I wasn’t alone in feeling these insecurities, I wasn’t the only one who was genetically Asian — I am half Japanese, and other individuals are genetically their Asian ethnicities but they also felt insecure about it, whether they felt like they weren’t Asian enough or that they wanted to not be Asian when they were younger. There were so many different tales and insecurities that were shared with me that I really felt some in my heart and I felt my own in my heart.
Childhood memories of Diamond Rypka
After this moment of clarity and enlightenment, I did three things: I first started to pull memories from the deepest part of my mind of my childhood — my time with my grandmother, my time with my cousins, my time with my mom, all of the experiences that I had just pushed away and forgotten that I deemed happiness and normal when I was a kid.
I was remembering how normal it was to come home from school and my mom would say, “Honey, there’s onigiri for you on the table.” Onigiri is a Japanese rice ball with well, I always had mine with nori with seaweed flakes on it, and it was just so normal, natural.
I would come home and be like, “Yes, I got nori onigiri!” It was normal and I felt like I wasn’t a fraud eating it. I want to feel that now when I come home from work. I want to be able to make myself an onigiri and it — just be normal.
The second thing I did was [that] I researched what imposter syndrome was. I’d heard of it before — I’d heard of it in college. A lot of my friends had used it to describe their educational experience or now into adulthood — their work experience.
They said they felt like they were imposters or they had this imposter syndrome. So I researched it and I researched racial imposter syndrome and it took me down a rabbit hole. What I found out while I was researching was that this is so common, especially for people of mixed races.
Characteristics of a person feeling imposter syndrome
A person feeling imposter syndrome tends to have three characteristics: one, the feeling of being a fraud. (Ding, ding, ding, ding; hello, that’s all I’ve been talking about.) Two, the fear of being discovered. What does that mean? It means that all of the lies I told I was so terrified that a real Asian person was going to tell me, “Uh, that’s not how you wear a kimono.” And everything would just fall apart underneath me. The third quality would be difficulty internalizing your success.
Now, oftentimes this quality is applied to the workplace or to your educational achievements. For me, that doesn’t necessarily apply, I chose to think of this characteristic as my regret for where I did my education. That shouldn’t matter — where I did my education, what should matter is I got my master’s degree, I lived in another country and I learned another language, that’s crazy.
As I continued to research what imposter syndrome was, I found ways that you can overcome them. And as I read these tips and tricks and methods of overcoming imposter syndrome, I felt silly because once I read it, it just clicked in my head.
Rule #1 for overcoming Imposter Syndrome: Just talk about it
The number one advice that I read in all of these articles was to just talk about it. Oftentimes, people who are feeling imposter syndrome feel like they’re all alone with these feelings and emotions that they have, and they tend to feel isolated in their opinions.
By sharing my ethnic insecurities with my other fellow Asian women in the pageant, I felt this huge relief and weight off my chest and it really opened up my mind to a lot more opinions and appreciation to the experiences that I have had and for who I am.
Rule #2 for overcoming Imposter Syndrome: Become aware
The second advice I read was to be aware of symptoms. Now, that’s easier said than done, am I right? For one, I took the initiative to research what Imposter Syndrome was, and I didn’t just read one article. I’ve spent the last few months researching imposter syndrome and symptoms you can have of it and how it affects your overall health and how you can overcome it.
By doing this research, I’m able to recognize when I have negative emotions or thoughts associated to who I am ethnically, and I’m able to recognize it as self-doubt and put a halt to these opinions.
Rule #3 for overcoming Imposter Syndrome: Challenge the negative thoughts
This goes hand in hand with tip number three, which is to challenge your negative thoughts. So tip number two was to recognize when you’re having imposter syndrome. And tip number three is to challenge negative thoughts.
By challenging negative thoughts or recognizing when you are having negative opinions or feelings of self-doubt and challenging those thoughts.
You can do this by recalling previous achievements that you’ve made, trying to replace your emotions with emotions you’ve had when you were feeling happy about the topic.
For example, whenever I’m feeling not Japanese enough or like I’m a fake Japanese, I try to recall my time spent with my grandparents and their little Asian decorations and my grandmother’s sister — so my auntie, her hands stitched silk art that was in a Japanese style. I don’t even know what it’s called, but when I recall that, it just makes me feel happy.
Rule #4 for overcoming Imposter Syndrome: Accept that true “perfection” is impossible
Lastly, the most important thing — which again, is easier said than done — is accepting that perfectionism — or true perfection — is impossible.
I will never have a childhood where I spoke Japanese at home. Instead, I had a childhood where I was pulling homegrown daikon, mashing rice to make mochi cakes, only then to watch Blue’s Clues to finish the night. Now, when I’m feeling sad or upset or not Japanese enough, I think of my grandma sitting in her garden of daikon radish sipping sencha, which is a Japanese-style green tea. And usually I like to reminisce these thoughts when I myself now and pouring myself a glass of Earl Grey tea and walking out to my own garden and looking at my little daikon seedlings popping up.
The third and final thing that I did was launch a podcast called The Asian Tales. And the purpose of this podcast was to create a platform for individuals like myself. I wanted to invite all Asian individuals of various backgrounds with unique experience to come onto the show and to share their tale. My hope was that both the listener and the speaker could leave with this feeling of weightlessness or that this heavy feeling on your chest has been lifted. And truly, this project was my own proactive way of keeping my own imposter syndrome in check, because that’s really the only thing that I can do.
I can only proactively move forward into the future trying to recognize when I feel like an imposter and replace it with feelings of, “Yes, I am Japanese, I don’t need to feel like a fake, I am who I am and I will continue to learn and grow. I am not isolated and neither are you.”
Imposter syndrome: do you doubt yourself? Don’t forget that you’re not alone
To conclude today’s talk, I first wonder if anyone in the audience was able to connect with any of the experiences I shared. And if you did, I invite you to reach out to me after today’s program and to share with me your tale.
And finally, if you are ever doubting who you are, know that you are not alone and that the first step is recognizing the feeling of self-doubt. I challenge everyone watching or listening, the next time you are feeling like a fraud or unworthy, or that you have these feelings of self-doubt to stop and breathe and to proactively sift through your positive memories. When was the last time you smiled? When was the last time you achieved something? Think about your childhood running around with friends coming home to your family — any memory that breaks the cycle of imposter syndrome is your first step. Thank you.
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