An open letter to my future child,
I’m sorry,
If you will not see the rainbows after the rain,
If you will never feel the warmth of sleeping in soft bed sheets
or experience the full sweat after playing under the sun.
I’m sorry if you will never experience living in this world full of surprises, where the laughter of people around is contagious.
The truth is, I'm an adult now,
but I’m still longing to live like a child—
free from burdens, free from responsibilities.
I want to explore the world and see every corner of it, for I am sure that it is not merely round.
Perhaps I never truly outgrew that childlike yearning, and that’s why I wish to be just a kid again, even if I’m living in an adult body.
I’m sorry, if I will choose to walk this life alone
instead of holding your hand, and feeling your warmth beside me.
I’m sorry if you will never experience my humming, lulling you to sleep with a soft song.
I guess motherhood is not for me.
And I don’t want you to be born into a world
where I’m still trying to figure out how to hold myself together.
It’s not that I wouldn’t love you— in fact, I would want you to experience genuine love from a mom.
I would love you so deeply,
and I’d protect you from hurt.
I’d show you the beauty of the world,
and I wouldn’t let anyone point a finger at you.
But love alone wouldn’t make you whole,
for you would have to figure that out on your own.
I am afraid you’ll learn that the world isn’t always happy. It can be horrible, painful, and overwhelming.
As a mother,
I would never want you, my child
to see how unfair life can be at times.
I want to show you the whole universe,
but I’m afraid I won’t be able to, because I’m still searching in this universe too.
And I think you should thank me—
for sparing you from a cruel world.
For you won’t suffer, like everyone else.
I hope you understand that this decision isn’t one of selfishness, but one of love.
And I hope that wherever you are,
in whatever form you may exist,
you know that you were always cherished,
even in my silence.
Love,
The mother you’ll never know.
