Becoming Who I Never Wanted To Be
Growing up, I didn’t have a clear role model to guide me. Instead, I learned by observing what not to do, who not to become. The adults around me were like warning signs — lessons in what I should avoid rather than paths I should follow. Their lives seemed to be woven with bitterness and regret, trapped in cycles of behavior that only bred more pain.
I promised myself that I would never end up like them.
“I will never be like them.”
That vow became my shield, a defense against the life I feared. They were harsh, so I vowed to be gentle. They were selfish, so I swore to be selfless. Every decision I made, every step I took, was meant to distance myself from the person I didn’t want to become.
But as time passed, something changed. The very traits I despised began to creep into my own life. It was subtle at first — a harsh word here, a selfish act there. But over time, these small lapses began to add up, and before I knew it, I had become the person I once feared.
I look in the mirror now and struggle to recognize the person staring back at me. The life I’ve built feels like a betrayal of the values I once held dear. The child who swore to be different has grown into an adult who mirrors the very behavior I once despised.
I thought I was strong. I thought my determination to be different would protect me from the pain and mistakes of those around me. But now I realize that perhaps I wasn’t strong — I was just scared. Scared of being hurt, scared of being vulnerable. So, I built walls around myself, thinking they would keep the pain out. But all they did was turn me into someone cold and distant, someone I never wanted to be.
The hardest part of this realization is the self-loathing that comes with it. It’s easy to blame my past, to say that I became this way because of the environment I grew up in. But the truth is, the pain of my past doesn’t excuse the person I am today. I made choices — choices that led me down this path. And now, I have to live with the consequences.
I look back and see the moments where I could have chosen differently. Moments where I could have let kindness and empathy guide my actions, but instead, I let fear take the wheel. I can’t change the past, but I can’t help but wonder how different my life could have been if I had made different choices.
Is it too late to change? Is it too late to become the person I once wanted to be? These are questions I ask myself every day. I don’t have the answers, but I know that I have to try. I have to try to forgive myself, to learn from my mistakes, and to grow into a better version of myself.
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what kind of person I will become. But I do know that I don’t want to be consumed by regret and self-loathing. I want to learn from my experiences and use them to become a better person — someone who is kind, compassionate, and true to their word.
Maybe someday, I’ll look in the mirror and recognize the person staring back at me. Maybe someday, I’ll see someone I can be proud of. Until then, all I can do is keep trying, keep growing, and keep striving to become the person I’ve always wanted to be.
