Closing This Chapter
And then,she went on, “it was tucked so far back in his scrotum you could have easily mistaken it for a nipple — or a clitoris, & the ball sacks no more than the rest of a vulva, and when it deflated, as you can probably guess it most certainly did.” Just another clit. I did not sign up for it.
I couldn’t help but think of Stormy Daniels as she turned away and glanced out the window, gazing out into the distance. She said, “No, it was more like three inches,” in response to the Don’s assertion that he wouldn’t have touched her with a ten-foot pole. At least Qui was giving Chi more credit than that.
Sensing a pause and that everything was secure for the time being, Dejah stopped by the table and inquired as to if he could fetch us anything more. We only shook our heads and said, “No,” without ever looking at him.
“Separate or combined tickets?”
“Distantly,” I said, eventually averting my gaze from Qui.
“I’ll provide your passes. Remain calm. Do not hurry.
Another lengthy moment of stillness passed before I finally broke it with a question that was burning deep within of me.
But you do still feel a love for him?I had to inquire. He was my closest buddy and friend, and for once, I felt more pain for him than for myself.
“I’m not sure,” she said. With her head cocked and eyes raised as if to inquire, she turned back to face me.
In really, I have loved you forever. I just wasn’t ready to acknowledge it. I felt that I wanted the two of you to trade places even as I was making my way down the aisle. Things may have turned out differently if I hadn’t been so obstinate.
How does one respond to a confession like that? You don’t have my trust. Is it not accurate? You have no right to put me in this situation. Is he my closest friend?
One more extended period of quiet. There was nothing conceited about it. Just empty, broken, lonely, and cold.
Qui broke first. “I wish we had gotten married.”
I had waited fifteen years to hear her say anything like that. They were so cognitively dissonant now, unsettling and startling.
“It couldn’t have succeeded.”
“How are you aware of this?”
“My best buddy is him!”
“I believed I was as well.”
“The reality is, I could never really make you happy. Both I and you are aware of it.
How can you claim that we couldn’t be happy together after fifteen years?”
“Believe me, I am aware.”
Dejah delivered our banknotes. He grinned broadly and said, “Thanks!” as I placed twenty dollars on the table and instructed him to keep the change.”
I turned to Qui after getting up and instructed her to go home. Put this correctly. Most individuals on this earth would be overjoyed to meet someone like Chi, and everyone else is simply crazy! Give yourself permission to be joyful. You two ought to be content.
“So you think I’m crazy?” she threw in one more jab.
I was at a loss for words and simply looked at her for a long while, shaking my head.
We stopped talking after that. As I approached the door, I thought that she was sitting there, too shocked to say anything. However, I’m not sure. I didn’t turn around.
How can I be certain it wouldn’t have succeeded? She informed me as much. As you can see, while Chi may be larger than the Don, I am not. She would have thought of me as just another young lad.
I felt a tear welling up on my cheek, then another, and eventually they were running down my face as I stood outside in the cold morning light on the pavement. There was a knot like lead that stuck to the inside of my stomach as my heart and head battled like minefields, neither of which would ever be victorious.
With a vague feeling of finality, I said to myself, “I’m never going to get married.”
After straightening up and tying my jacket’s buttons, I turned to my left and started to cross the street.
Disclaimer, Trigger Warning, and Personal Request: If my memory serves me well, Kendra Wilkinson made a statement on “The Girls Next Door” more than ten years ago that served as the inspiration for this essay. She answered sharply in the negative when asked whether she could ever be with someone who was four inches or less “in that department,” which made her giggle rather hysterically.
She didn’t seem to mean any offense in her remark. Few, in my opinion, do. However, nobody really appears to take the jokes about the size of male genitalia that are so popular in the media and at unisex gatherings — in fact, they’re not that unusual when people of both genders are present.
We are well-versed in the objectification of women and its consequences. I really appreciate all of the amazing work that has been done over the years to make us aware of the grave dangers that these attitudes pose. Who in their right mind would ever want to be “unwoke”? I would never want to return to being unaware of how attitudes & language — especially my own — are belittling or cruel to others. (Yes, I’ve never been able to comprehend how “woke” has come to be used as a word of scorn.)
On the other hand, we seldom ever discuss how males are objectified or denigrated. Why would we do that? Men still possess the majority of power in our society and often use it more than freely, especially if they are white. Men still have anxieties of their own, and this is a major one (or not, depending on the situation).
The whispers within the masculine ego that have the ability to totally depress us and render us powerless in many ways are the intended subject of this narrative.
This is not intended to be a cry for sympathy for us. That should not even be taken into account since the odds are just too heavily skewed in the other direction. However, I need to ask for a favor.
Please let me know if you see anything misogynistic about this. I’m still not fully aware of all the shapes it may take. Please also let me know if anything in the “erotica” category looks blissfully naïve — I am still very inexperienced at 63 years old. Without a doubt, I will value the education.
