Complex Trauma, Men’s Health, and Kinking.
I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. (Carl Jung.)
Complex trauma is the silent predator we refuse to confront. It hides behind the smiles of the brave, whispering in their ears and gnawing at their hearts. Ignoring trauma doesn’t make it disappear; it only deepens the wounds. As June is Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, this discussion is going to focus on complex trauma’s impact on men.
So, what is complex trauma? Complex trauma is repeated, ongoing, and often extreme experiences of abuse, neglect, and violence. The roots of complex trauma most often lie in childhood, and it is insidious and destructive. It has a significant lifelong impact on people’s health and wellbeing.
A body of research known as the ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) has demonstrated that the toxic stress of childhood trauma can change brain development and affect how the body responds in adulthood. ACEs are linked to chronic health problems, mental illness, and substance misuse. Toxic trauma is so widespread that we all know members of our kinky communities who suffer from its consequences – even if they do so in silence.
According to the Australian Child Maltreatment Study (2021), a staggering 2 in 5 children witness domestic violence – but that is just the tip of the iceberg. 32% of Australian children witness more than 50 incidents of domestic violence. 30% of adult Australians reported suffering sexual abuse during childhood. Tragically, that study also highlighted the sad fact that most abuse is never reported, and never acted upon. All of those examples cause trauma.
New Zealand’s Ministry for Children, Oranga Tamariki, has reported that 7% of children have been the subject of a family violence notification. Perhaps surprisingly, their data also demonstrated that male children and young people are the most common victims of acts intending to cause injury. Straight up: male childhood trauma is much more common than we realize.
Societal norms only exasperate men’s experience of childhood trauma. All too often, our societal norms stifle, or even silence, the voices of male survivors. Traditional notions of masculinity – stoic, independent, and tough – make it harder for men to acknowledge childhood trauma. Male victims are left to wrestle with internalized guilt, shame, and the fear of not being believed, alone and in silence. Their plight is further perpetuated by the damaging myth that only men are perpetrators, and that all victims are either women or non-binary folks.
The American Journal of Men’s Health has highlighted that men are “a third less likely to access help when they need it”. When men do muster the courage to seek help, the system is ill-equipped to address their needs. The system pathologizes their coping mechanisms and entrenches their silent suffering. Their deep-seated trauma is rarely addressed.
Within our kinky communities, we can take proactive steps to mitigate the impact of complex childhood trauma by recognizing and hearing male victims. We can, and should, adopt a Trauma-Informed approach. Trauma-Informed BDSM focusses on dismantling cycles of trauma by fostering safety, stability, and consent. It is about countering the impact of both ACEs and adult trauma by transforming past pain into power and finding strength in vulnerability.
The first step on a journey to adopt a trauma-informed approach to kinking is normalizing the discussion of significant past trauma during play and dynamic negotiations. Just as the disclosure of major medical conditions has become standard practice, sharing information about significant past trauma, and related triggers, is crucial for safety. It allows all parties to make informed decisions about how those interactions would align with their personal risk profiles. It also enables people to mitigate those risks, and better deal with issues that may arise.
One other key step is to hear, and validate, the experiences of male victims who choose to talk to you about their trauma. That looks like acknowledging the truth in what they are expressing, even if you don’t necessarily agree. We should hear all victims. This validation helps in affirming their feelings and perspectives. Active listening is crucial, as it allows the person to feel truly heard.
But remember, those steps are just the start of a journey to Trauma-Informed kinking.
Trauma can create a daily struggle for men from all walks of life, of all sexualities, and who identify with all roles. It impacts D-types, s-types, and everyone in the middle equally. It does not impact all men, but it does impact all types of men.
Survivors of unaddressed trauma are at a significantly higher risk of developing mental health disorders. They have an increased likelihood of attempting suicide. Moreover, unaddressed trauma can have profound impacts on physical health, contributing to chronic conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, and gastrointestinal issues. The stress from unresolved trauma can weaken the immune system, making folks more susceptible to illnesses. Worse still, survivors may perpetuate the cycle of trauma, creating more victims and a legacy of harm.
We need to confront the reality of complex trauma head-on and support male victims. By recognizing the unique challenges they face, we can foster healing and resilience. It is crucial that we educate ourselves about trauma-informed practices and integrate these approaches into our kinking. Let’s commit to continuous learning, adopting more strategies to support all victims of trauma, and working collectively to break the cycle of pain and suffering.
Happy power exchanging!
