Letters: How I Finally Moved On
It’s been 5 years since you told me that you wanted to break-up. We have been together for just about 3 months and just 10 days officially as a couple. It took me 8 years to finally open my heart again. 8 long years to start trusting and believing in love again. Yet, after 10 days, you decided to end our relationship.
It was a Sunday when you broke the news. I just had my massage and then we started chatting about how many kids we want to have. I couldn’t remember how it came to that point when you said you wanted to break up with me. I just lay in bed, crying, unable to move. Then you called me and tried to console me that nothing will change, we are just removing the label. I was stupid enough that I agreed, just to keep you.
Our “relationship, or situationship, which is the more appropriate term went on. Nothing changed. I remained loyal to you as if we are officially together. Then, you had to move to a different country for work. I asked you if we can make it official again. Again, you refused. You even told me that if I ever find someone else, that I am free. That if I get married and have children, you want to be my child’s godfather. I told you that I will wait for you but you told me that it will be unfair. You wanted to reach your dreams and you don’t know how much time you need to make it happen. In my heart, I took those words as love. A love that is pure enough to make such sacrifices. You did not want to lose me, but you wanted me to be free, and that made me love you even more.
I knew your first Christmas away from home will be hard so I went to visit you. I have never imagined going to India, much more going there on my own, but I did it just to see you. You said it felt surreal to see me. We had a great time, in fact, at that time, I thought it was almost perfect. It would have been perfect if you told me that you love me again. It would have been perfect if you made it official. Before I went home, I told you that I will already try to move on. I blocked you from all my social media only to unblock you again. Thinking you were probably hurt and I am making it more difficult for you – being away from home and all on your own in a different country. So, I stayed.
It went on for years, me trying to give up and move on, and you giving me some glimmer of hope that you still love me every once in a while. It was enough for me to stay, yet not enough to feel secured. Until the pandemic came. I knew you were suffering. The school you’re working for is close for an indefinite time. You were stranded in a different country, unable to go home because of the restrictions. It was hard and I reached out. I tried to be there for you and your family. Yet, you push me away each time. Repeatedly, you told me to leave you alone and that there will never be an us again. You will tell me that you are sick only for my calls and messages to be ignored for weeks. I was worried about you that I cry thinking something can happen to you and I won’t even know about it. At that time, I had my own burden to carry too. My job is secured by my company had to make decisions that I do not agree with. I had to let go of people and I see how hard it is at that time. I started having anxiety attacks and depression, that I had to decide to save myself which also meant I have to let you go. I sent you my last message, telling you how much I love you and hope you will stay safe, that it’s time for me to move on. You told me to leave you alone and stop my drama.
That was May. I tried to heal but deep inside me I still care about you and think about you constantly. I reached out to you again in October, asking if you’re better off without me. I did not receive a reply. Months after, I heard about the surge of covid in India. I sent you a message, telling you that I hope you are safe. Still, my message got ignored. It took over a year to heal and move on. The ride was turbulent. I questioned everything I have always believed in, including my faith. I prayed to God for years for us to be together but He never answered me. I asked Him why He brought you into my life only for this to happen. I asked Him why after 8 years and just when I came to terms to being single for the rest of my life, He sent you to open my heart again. I asked Him why He let my heart be broken again when I asked him to protect it the moment I met you. Slowly, I found peace. I met people along the way to help me process and accept things.
When I finally found love again, you came back. Crazy huh? You came during the time that I was starting a relationship with my now husband. Finally, I had the courage to ignore you. A year later, just when I got engaged, you sent me another message, telling me how much you love me and that you want to marry me. I went to God again, asking why this is happening. I opened my door to talk to you again to finally get my answers. As my questions get their answers, the more I got convinced that I made the right decision when I finally moved on. I got my answers and now, I am completely free.
