Searching For Clearity
I’m trying to understand why I feel the way I do. It’s hard to describe, and I often wonder if I’m searching for something that doesn’t exist.
An Attempt At Description
Truth be told, I’m stuck in the middle — maybe leaning 1% towards the negative side. My life has been quite turbulent, and there are several things weighing on my mind. This has left me with lingering anxiety. I believe this fear within me stems from my childhood trauma, which is exacerbated by my current concerns.
Growing up in a home filled with daily conflict (I promise I’m not exaggerating), I may have become accustomed to being on edge. My childhood was also neglectful, not only from my parents but from others around me. This neglect has impacted how I view myself. I often feel odd, as if a voice in my head is constantly saying, “You’re different.” While being different isn’t inherently bad, sometimes I feel too different.
At times, none of this feels real. My childhood expectations were harshly confronted by reality. While I know others have endured worse, my pain is still valid.
How can I navigate life with this burden holding me back? Every day feels like I’m dragging an unbroken chain. The mind of a child is delicate, and parents have a duty to prepare their child for life — or at least not have then abandon them.
There’s no way forward but to learn and unlearn through hard work. It would have been much easier if certain parents had done their job.
Existing can be demanding, but that’s why we’ve evolved into the most intelligent beings on the planet. Our ancestors endured much worse, but through their struggles, we’ve gained vast amounts of knowledge to improve our quality of life. Yet, humans have become overly complacent, and some parts of the world, including my country Nigeria, are still lagging behind.
Does What I Seek Exist?
Yes, it does.
Despite life’s challenges, my anxiety won’t help me overcome them — it might even hinder me. Understanding why I feel the way I do can help me reconstruct my perception. I don’t know the exact reasons behind my self-perception issues, but recognizing the hurdle is the first step. I just need to learn how to jump.
Lastly, I believe that in some ways, my fear has driven me to seek. Seek, dear human, for it is your truth and advantage.
