Dating for the Present Over 40
Embracing Enjoyment Over Long-Term Commitment
Dating over 40 comes with its own set of expectations and pressures. Some people find joy in dating for the present rather than seeking a life partner. This discussion reveals diverse perspectives on finding happiness in the here and now.
The Original Poster’s Perspective
The original poster (OP) — JustMe722, a 47-year-old woman, shared her experience of dating after a 20-plus year marriage. After dating different men to discover what she wanted, she found contentment in her current relationship, which is based on mutual enjoyment, compatibility, and independence. Here’s what she wrote:
“I am a divorced (47f). After ending a 20 plus year marriage I dipped back into the dating pool. Unsure of what I was really looking for other than companionship. I took my time dating different men to seek qualities and things that I wanted. Now that I’ve let that run its course and have been seeing someone steadily for about a year. I found that I’m not dating for a future (marriage, long term, life integration etc.).
I’m dating for the now. I’m enjoying what I have with the person I’m with. Compatibility, enjoyment, sexual chemistry, shared interests and the like. We have each other as well as our own lives. We make time for each other but don’t feel the need to be together 24/7. We communicate consistently and share the important things in our lives. I’m actually happy with what I have and where I am. I’ve been told that this isn’t “normal” that I’m not getting any younger and should be looking for a life partner. I reject that statement whole heartedly lol. Why can’t I just be happy with the casual consistency that brings me joy?”
Mutual Contentment
Many responders agreed that as long as both partners are happy with the arrangement, it’s perfectly fine. The emphasis is on mutual understanding and ensuring that both are on the same page regarding the relationship’s direction.
ForestFinder said:
“As long as you are both happy with things as they are, I think it’s fine. It would only be a problem if one of you was wanting a long-term commitment and the other wasn’t.”
Slimshakie added:
“You actually get to do whatever you want with your life. Enjoy it!”
The key takeaway here is that happiness in a relationship is subjective, and what works for one couple might not work for another. Mutual satisfaction is what truly matters.
Challenging the Notion of “Normal”
Several commenters challenged the societal notion of what is “normal” in relationships. They encouraged the OP to disregard external opinions and focus on what makes her happy.
WorldToEnd shared:
“Your attachment to being in the present moment sounds similar to what therapists call ‘mindfulness’. Also, ignore anyone who tries to use the word ‘normal’ against you to tell you how to live or behave.”
Gamerdad wrote:
“Normal is relative. I think what you describe is normal for our age bracket.”
This perspective highlights the importance of defining one’s own path and not conforming to societal expectations if they do not align with personal happiness.
Enjoying Life as It Comes
Some responders mentioned the benefits of dating for enjoyment and letting things develop naturally without the pressure of long-term commitments. This approach can prevent rushed decisions and allow relationships to evolve at their own pace.
MesswTex shared:
“I personally find danger in the ‘looking for a life partner’ scenario. I was like that and then married someone I shouldn’t have. I prefer the ‘dating in the now’ and if it turns into a life partner scenario — great!”
BeefUp54 added:
“Some relationships ruin their course in 50 years, some in 5 months. This stuff is already hard enough without having to audition for future husband.”
These responses underscore that enjoying the present can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships, free from the pressure of meeting specific future goals.
Maintaining Independence
Maintaining independence while being in a relationship was a common theme. Daters emphasized the importance of having separate lives and not feeling the need to be together constantly.
Bramble stated:
“I’ve been with a guy for almost a year now who travels a ton for work. We talk every day, but I don’t get to see him often. I adore his personality, intelligence, and emotional intelligence so much that the time away isn’t awesome, but it doesn’t bother me because I have my own life.”
Seasick54 shared:
“I’ve been with bf for 3 years now. We see each other on weekends. We text all day every day. We have done road trips. My kids always joke about ‘when’s the wedding’. Frankly when they say that it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I don’t know if I can deal with marriage again.”
These examples highlight the value of having personal space and autonomy, which can contribute to the health and longevity of a relationship.
Takeaway
Dating for the present over 40 offers a different perspective on relationships. Here’s what we’re taking away:
Redefining Expectations: Enjoy the present and let the future unfold naturally.
Prioritizing Emotional Connection: Focus on mutual enjoyment and emotional support.
Maintaining Independence: Keep your individuality and respect each other’s space.
Communicating Openly: Ensure clear communication about expectations and feelings.
Tips to Start the Conversation
Here are three ways to open the dialogue with your partner:
- Acknowledge Their Feelings: “I realize my texting habits might make you feel unappreciated. I care about you and I’m open to changing this.”
- Propose Balanced Efforts: “Let’s both make an effort to initiate texts. It’s important we both feel connected and involved.”
- Recognize Texting’s Limits: “Texting can be tricky to convey feelings. Let’s be open and understanding if misunderstandings arise.”
Happy Dating!
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