Feeling Like an Adult in Online Dating After 40
Balancing Youthfulness and Maturity in Midlife Dating
Online dating in your 40s can bring up unexpected emotions, especially when it comes to feeling like an “adult.” This discussion highlights the balance between youthful interests and adult responsibilities, as people navigate relationships and self-perceptions at this stage of life.
The Original Poster’s Experience
The original poster Henrick45 (OP), a 40-year-old man, shared his feelings of insecurity after creating an online dating profile for the first time. He described how the women in his suggested matches seemed like “actual adults,” while he, despite owning a home and having a career, didn’t feel quite as adult. Here’s what he said:
“I (40m) recently activated an OLD account for the first time. I started going through suggestions (34–44) and realized all the women look like actual adults! …I don’t feel like I’m as much of an adult as the rest of them.”
While the OP feels confident about his accomplishments, he admitted feeling a bit out of place, wondering whether his youthful personality would make him less appealing to these women.
Embracing Youthful Enthusiasm
Many commenters emphasized that youthful traits — like being playful or not feeling completely “adult” — are not only common but can be an asset in relationships. Daters shared their own stories of balancing adult responsibilities with maintaining a sense of fun and youthful energy.
Zealousideal responded: “42/f, if it makes you feel any better, I also check off a lot of ‘adult’ items off the checklist (homeowner, 401k, solid career, etc.) but still don’t feel like an adult… I’m goofy and have dance parties with my dog.”
Another_World1298 participant echoed this sentiment: “I still watch the same sci-fi and fantasy shows I loved when I was 19… The only difference between my 20s and now is that I’ve grown so much as a person… and I expect the same personal growth and mature communication from a potential partner.”
These responses highlight that many people in their 40s continue to enjoy the things they loved when they were younger. They suggest that while adult responsibilities matter, personal growth and communication are the qualities that make someone truly mature.
Fashion and Self-Expression at 40
Another theme that emerged in the discussion was the concern about dressing in ways that might not seem “age-appropriate.” Daters shared their thoughts on how they handle fashion choices that make them feel youthful.
1869smcsmc mentioned: “I feel the same way… do you think it’s still okay to wear a crop top in our 40s? Because I do, and sometimes I wonder if my fashion isn’t age-appropriate.”
To this, Mighty_Miss replied: “Cringe is dead. Wear what you want.”
Fashion choices, it seems, are more about feeling comfortable and confident than adhering to societal norms about age. Many expressed the belief that wearing what makes you happy is what truly matters as you get older.
Emotional Maturity: The Adult That Really Counts
While many felt youthful in spirit, there was a consensus that emotional maturity is what truly defines being an adult. For most daters, the ability to communicate calmly and rationally was far more important than fitting into a traditional image of adulthood.
Topsy_Turvy remarked: “What’s important to me in a partner is emotional maturity… That’s the adult part that matters to me.”
Cool_Kid01 shared: “As long as you’re not emotionally immature, it’s not a bad thing. I work with kids, they are my PEOPLE. That has changed who I am.”
The lesson here is that emotional growth — such as being able to handle conflicts calmly and communicate effectively — is what partners in their 40s are looking for. Playfulness and not feeling fully “grown up” are fine, as long as there’s emotional depth and understanding in the relationship.
Being an Adult Is What You Make of It
The discussion also reflected a broader feeling that being an adult doesn’t have a strict definition. Everyone has their own mix of serious and playful traits, and that’s okay. Several commenters mentioned that the idea of being a “grown-up” changes with time.
Lemonsneeded commented: “Maybe it is normal :) I try to remind myself that an actual 25-year-old would not be as excited over a cordless vacuum cleaner as I am with mine.”
Electra_Bread_689 added: “There’s no sense in living without joy and wonderment. You’re just adult enough for someone who’s just adult enough for you.”
This attitude reminds us that adulthood is about finding a balance between responsibilities and enjoying life. As long as both partners are on the same page, there’s no right or wrong way to be an adult.
Takeaway
Online dating in your 40s can make you reflect on what it means to be an adult. For many, feeling youthful doesn’t detract from maturity — it adds to it. Here’s what we’re taking away:
- Embrace Your Playfulness: Having fun and maintaining youthful interests can be a strength in relationships.
- Wear What You Love: Confidence in your fashion choices is more important than fitting into societal norms.
- Prioritize Emotional Maturity: Emotional intelligence and effective communication are what really define adulthood.
Tips to Start the Conversation
Here are three ways to open the dialogue with your partner:
- Acknowledge Shared Feelings: “I sometimes feel like I’m not adult enough. Do you ever feel that way too?”
- Compliment Their Maturity: “What I really admire about you is how emotionally grounded you are.”
- Share Playful Sides: “What’s something you loved doing when you were younger that still makes you feel happy today?”
Happy Dating!
