Trying Not to Read Into His Messages
Navigating Mixed Signals in Dating Over Forty
Dating after forty can be complex, especially when emotions get involved after a relationship misstep. In this post, the original poster Northstar45 (OP) shared her struggle after a man she liked reached out again after a long silence. While some people advised her to move on, others believed she should stay open and see where things go. Here’s the OP’s situation in her own words:
“A while ago, I posted something about a guy I really liked. I messed it up, he politely walked away, I was besotted still. Then yesterday evening, completely out of the blue, he messaged me about an author I’m really interested in that I had told him about in passing, in March. We had a brief text chat yesterday and today, and that’s it. I don’t want to read anything into him contacting me but how can I not?”
This sparked a lot of responses from the dating community, leading to a discussion about how to handle these kinds of situations.
Is He Just Looking for Attention?
Several daters pointed out that some men reappear simply because they enjoy the attention, without offering a real connection. Many cautioned OP to be careful about investing more time and energy into someone who isn’t reciprocating in a meaningful way.
55Flipflop explained:
“People like being liked, and he may just be reaching out to have you focused on him again while offering you nothing.”
Throw_Back55 commented sharing her personal experience, saying:
“He never did ask me out. He was dangling the carrot, breadcrumbing me. I just stopped responding to that nonsense.”
In situations like this, it’s easy to mistake casual outreach for something deeper. The main advice here is to take a step back and assess whether the person is actually offering anything concrete, or if they are just keeping you on the hook for their own ego boost.
The Value of Clear Intentions
Others argued that if a man is genuinely interested, he would make his intentions clear and not just casually reach out with no follow-up. Several contributors emphasized that actions speak louder than words.
FannyFarmer08 shared her insight:
“If he was interested in you, the venue wouldn’t matter, or he would suggest someplace else. You took your shot, so no regrets. But at this point the ball’s in his court.”
This suggests that while it’s okay to respond, it’s also important to recognize when someone is not making an effort to move things forward.
Throw_Back55 added:
“If a man comes back into a woman’s life after a beat — he says, ‘Hey, I missed you, I’d like to see you.’ They don’t just throw some text about something you spoke about six months ago.”
The lesson here is that if a person wants to be in your life, they will show it through more than just a random text.
Can You Just Be Friends?
OP shared that she was open to being friends with this man, even if a relationship wasn’t in the cards. She mentioned a past experience where she became good friends with someone who initially ghosted her. Some daters thought this was a reasonable approach if both parties were clear on their intentions.
Throw_Away69 shared:
“If you can keep them as platonic friends, then no problem. Flakes cannot be counted on in a real relationship.”
However, others warned that it might be difficult to separate romantic feelings from friendship, especially when you are still attracted to the person.
Happy_Returns55 said:
“You can’t be ‘friends’ with someone that you are desperately hoping wants to be romantic with you. You will read into every word and action.”
It’s important to be honest with yourself about whether you can truly handle a platonic friendship or if it will only lead to more confusion and heartache.
The Need for Self-Respect
A common theme throughout the discussion was the importance of valuing oneself and not settling for breadcrumbs from someone who isn’t showing real interest. Several daters encouraged OP to move on and focus on finding someone who matches her effort and intentions.
Throw_Back72 summarized it this way:
“Scarcity mindset makes us tolerate what we shouldn’t… when someone comes back after six months, they’re testing the waters to see if you’re still an option.”
Ultimately, the consensus was that self-respect should come first, and if the person reaching out isn’t offering a meaningful connection, it may be best to walk away.
Takeaway
Mixed signals and reconnections in dating can be tricky, but keeping your self-worth front and center is key. Here’s what we’re taking away:
- Assess Intentions: Look at the other person’s actions to see if they align with their words.
- Set Boundaries: Don’t let someone pull you back into a situation that doesn’t serve you.
- Consider Your Feelings: Be honest about whether you can handle a friendship or if it’s too complicated emotionally.
Tips to Start the Conversation
Here are three ways to open the dialogue with your partner:
- Ask for Clarity: “I’m curious about why you reached out. Are you hoping to reconnect, or was this just a casual check-in?”
- Express Your Needs: “I enjoyed our conversation, but I’m looking for more clarity on where things are going.”
- Set Boundaries: “I value our connection, but I need to know if we’re on the same page before moving forward.”
Happy Dating!
