A leading report from this nation’s greatest ghost experts agree: Ghosts Are Spooky. So spooky! Very legitimate reported data — data that we, as Americans, need to respect — suggests that spooky ghosts love to haunt, which oftentimes leads to — you guessed it — spooky haunted houses. These houses are typically homes, which is of great concern for most Americans who do not wish to live among ghosts in these spooky haunted houses.

But it’s not all bad news*. In fact, this news relates tenfold to the crisis attacking most Americans today: Hey, I already knew my haunted-ass house was haunted, but isn’t it like… a dark evil portal to another dimension but in like, a cute way?**

As a nation, we must demand*** answers. We’ve seen propaganda of friendly ghosts, or of ghosts with unfinished business****. Heck — we’ve even seen the glorious representation of ghost fighters. But how readily are we transferring these depictions into our reality? What do we believe is our reality?

*This is a lie.
**Absolutely not, no.
***Politely request
****They can’t get over their ex