Should You Eat A Burger With Cutlery, Or Your Hands?
The one thing that’s perhaps even more controversial than the age old debate of whether you should eat pizza with your hands, or cutlery (ahem, hands — obviously) is the question of whether you reach for the cutlery when presented with a burger. Let’s set the scene shall we?
You’re at the pub. You’re scouring the menu. You see all the usuals, but one thing is sticking out more to you than anything else on the menu. It’s a burger. It’s a CHEESE burger at that. Oh, and the option to add bacon? No brainer. Except it’s a Tuesday… Crap. You toss up in your head whether eating a burger on a Tuesday is particularly gluttonous. Of course it is, but “Screw it”, you say, “I deserve it”. Okay — so every time I have said ‘you’ here, I’ve actually meant me. And generally, I don’t really have that much of a toss up in my head as to whether or not to actually order the damn burger. I know myself. I order it every single time anyway. For someone who is constantly treating herself, I sure do say “go on, treat yourself” a lot, considering I never really deserve it.
So here I am, at the pub (again), and I’ve ordered the cheeseburger (again). Oh, and it comes with a side of fries. Oh, and suddenly it’s in front of me and I realise how MASSIVE this thing actually is. Man, does it look delicious — but all I can think about is how I am going to tackle this baby? The cheese is oozing out the sides, and I’ve been served a smattering of condiments to top this baby with. Not to mention the pickle on the side that I WILL get inside this burger, no matter how hard the slippery sucker might try to get out.
My very first thought is to simply open my mouth as wide as I can, and inhale the entire burger in one, al a Patrick Starr. Then I remember that I have company, so that’s probably not the best route to go down.
Now I’m really starting to get hungry, my burger is running the risk of getting cold, and I’ve devoured half my serving of fries while staring at my burger. It’s time to carefully apply my condiments (mayonnaise, ketchup, & American mustard for those playing at home), and start to tackle this beast. But first, I have to weigh up both sides — and no, I don’t mean sweet potato chips vs onion rings vs french fries.
CUTLERY
Let’s get into using cutlery first — probably the more controversial of the two options. I mean, reaching for a knife and fork when it comes to devouring a tower of meat (or mushroom, or haloumi, or a delicious nut patty), bread and cheese surely is the safest bet. Firstly, you have to cut it in two — the signature move of any cutlery burger eater. Once it’s cut in two, then you take the knife and fork to cut off bite sized morsels from there, ensuring that each bite has a little taste of all flavours in it. Halfway through however, you hit an issue. The burger is literally falling apart at the seams. You can’t keep everything together, and soon enough you’re getting bites that are all patty & bread — no pickle, no iceberg lettuce, no tomato! Maybe a little bit of bacon, but definitely no mustard. The travesty! You succumb to deconstructing the entire burger on your plate and cutting off a piece of each flavour for your fork, with the occasional dip into the sauce pot you designated for your fries. Not the easiest feat, but certainly tasty. Hey, don’t knock it until you try it.
HANDS
And then there’s the argument for using your hands. Your burger has undoubtedly arrived at your table with a serrated knife. Push it aside! Ignore the social norms and get STUCK IN. There’s no better feeling than a soft bun giving way to the weight of your fingers clasping with intent. Then comes that first bite… It’s underwhelming as you taste nothing but lettuce, bun and maybe some sauce. The second bite — that’s when it really starts getting juicy, and it only gets better from there. One big con? You can rarely put it down. Once that burger is in your grips, you’re going to have a hard time putting it down and picking it back up once it’s doused in the juices of sauce and grease that inevitably fall down onto the plate. Oh, and it’s a pretty sure thing that you’re going to have to sheepishly head up to the bar at some point, hands greased up with patty juice & covered in ketchup to say “Um, can I have a few more napkins, please?”. AH, the humiliation! Just kidding — I’m never humiliated when eating a burger. I’m a damn machine.
So — what are you? Are you a cutlery fiend or ready to tackle the burger with your own two hands?!
