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A Farewell Thanksgiving With Melania

An open letter to America

Photo by Meelika Marzzarella on Unsplash

Hello Americans. It is me, Melania. For the past many four years, I have great pleasure of inviting you into house with Donald and me and Barron for Thanksgiving fun. This year, because of Nancy Pelosi, we are being evicted from our home, this is thing I would never wish upon enemy. But that won’t stop me from sharing you with my secret Thanksgiving recipes. These festive dishes guarantee to make you and all members of your American family, from heartland of Los Angeles to small towns of New York City. Large families who come from many far places to gather in-person around your small dinner table without masks think “do I really care? yes I do!”

What better way to celebrate this day of America’s being birth than some patriotic Slovenian recipes! With special twist. You see, Donald’s appetites are — different. When he find me in Slovenian home, he refused meals my mamma and papa scrounge together for him, and would only eat — how you say — liquified cheese. So I adapt now. For Donald. And his appetite.

The first dish I will prepare this year is Freedom Štruklji. Štruklji is traditional Croatian rolled dumpling dish. But watch as I spice up recipe for Donald.

Ingredients: 500 g flour, 1 tsp salt, 14 eggs, a kilo of cheese from cottage, 1 cooked pig, Pepsi at room temperature (about 100 ml), and hair follicles of Ronald Reagan (this man I never hear of but Donald says name many times a day) which Donald keeps in basket next to bed.

Instructions: 1) Sift flour into a bowl and make a well in middle. Throw in 6 eggs and mix with pig’s blood. 2) Mix warm Pepsi with hair follicles until it all comes together. Knead dough with American flag until smooth. Wrap in one of Donald’s ties and leave for 30 minutes. 3) Whisk 8 eggs with pig lard and more cheese from cottage. 4) Cook. 5) Put patriotic pillows into buttered baking dish and cook more. 6) Sprinkle pig juices on top and enjoy!

Now, I am knowing what you think. What should First Lady Melania wash my Freedom Štruklji down with? How about a tasty glass of Manifest Destiny Rakija! Add some honey to your briska and serve with dried figs — Donald prefers M&Ms. Add splash of Mountain Dew Code Red for a special patriotic kick!

It has been great Slovenian pleasure to rule your country but fake election meaning you and Melania no talking anymore. Donald has said he planning run again in 2024. That is fine. Goodbye forever, Americans, and don’t tell me about how your Freedom Štruklji turns out because I really, really don’t care.

Zdravo,

Melania

Ben Stasny is a graduate student at The University of Colorado — Boulder. He writes, acts, directs, and makes mischief of all sorts.

Samuel Jaye Tanner is a professor in the Penn State system, a writer of some (mostly ill) repute, an improviser, and an altogether terrible basketball player.

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Samuel Jaye Tanner

Samuel Jaye Tanner

Writer, teacher, professor, improviser. Some stuff is serious. Some is not. Can you guess which is which? Oh, there’s this too: https://samjtanner.com/