HOW 2 SELF COMICS

Believing in a God That Doesn’t Exist

It takes practice, but it‘s a lot easier for me than believing in the ones that do

David Milgrim
Apr 7 · 6 min read

I’m not an evangelical denier on the issue, but I see no evidence to support the idea of a god that is busily choreographing everyone’s lives. Unless of course, that god happens to a horrible choreographer. I have a much easier time believing in a god who set everything in motion and then took a long nap. But that’s a hands-off god who needs an alarm clock more than our prayers. Between my lack of a personal religious history, and the overbearing, confused antics of “true believers,” I don’t expect I’ll be hooking up with an off-the-rack god anytime soon.

It might be time for a serious re-branding.

Yet, living under the loving protection of a higher power has a definite appeal. I notice that things go best for me when I surrender control, instead of wresting it. And, when I live a higher power is watching over me, orchestrating outcomes .

So, I made up a god that doesn’t exist.

Got anything where I can make my own hours?

They say when you pray for patience, God puts you on the end of a very long line. I love this formulation of god, but as long as I’m doing all the work, why do I even need God at all? I’m already on lots of long lines, presumably without any supreme intervention. Why not cut out the middle man?

When I’ve met with failure, as I have many times, my make-believe god has turned my disappointment into critical lessons in humility. Though this could easily sound like a convenient load of self-delusion from a chronic loser, I’ve always suspected that I’m an ideal candidate to misinterpret success in an emotionally damaging and socially insufferable way. But, even if I am just a self-deluded loser, this belief has made me more accepting of it. And mercifully more humble.

D’oh!

By turning life into an education, my imaginary god reliably reframes things so I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, no matter where I am. That takes a lot of pressure off me, which is exactly what I want a deity to do.

The most important lesson my fictitious god wants me to learn is about Suffering always starts when we get what we get but we still get upset. And then stay upset. My god says it’s pretty obvious that the more I can roll with the way things unfold, the happier I’m gonna be.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other guy to die, even when the other guy is your mother and she died 25 years ago.

Acceptance isn’t about giving up. It’s doing my best and not fighting the outcomes over which I have no control. Acceptance is about adjusting my expectations to match the way the world actually works instead of my toddler notions of how I want it to. My make-believe burning bush tells me four key things about acceptance.

1. Yes, I have some agency, but that doesn’t make me almighty, or even mighty. The world is much bigger and more powerful than I’ll ever be.

2. My pretend god tries to remind me that . I will adjust, even when I don’t want to, or think it possible.

No one likes Walter.

3.This is one of my imaginary god’s all-time favorite, immutable, award-winning, common-sense commandments. I like it too.

4. When things don’t go my way, it’s super helpful to consider that some of my darkest days routinely prove to be critical turns for the better. Sickness, getting fired, and being handcuffed have lead to gratitude, better jobs, and blessed sobriety. You can never tell what’s gonna lead where.

Even made-up gods work in annoyingly mysterious ways.

It’s always been awful and only gets worse as I lose more and more years with her. But that’s the beauty of a wholly concocted god. It can not fail me because it doesn’t exist. Shit happens. Nothing’s 100%. If anything, my god helps me to accept these shit-sucking random events that I cannot change.

You may be wondering how a person can believe in a god that they don’t believe in. It’s a very good question. Personally, I didn’t start out trying to bamboozle myself. I just naturally sought common-sense wisdom by which to live. It turns out there is a lot of overlap between that wisdom and what a god might say, if they existed. Eventually, it organically morphed into a sense of a higher power directing me.

I tried some prayer and meditation here, and a brief moment of absolute surrender there. I liked it. I like the strangely emotional sense of release and relaxation I find when I am able to really let it all go.

A small Buddha statue or a sunset can also work.

There is an art to accepting what we can not change and changing what we can. Dropping the whip and listening to the horse is an act of faith and devotion that conjures the spiritual for me. Maybe it’s nothing more than relinquishing my ambitions and assumptions long enough to listen to my deeper intuition, but it feels like something much more powerful and sane than I am.

It makes absolutely no sense that children are starving and people are being tortured while God is busy teaching me how to find meaning in getting a book deal. It’s downright preposterous. And, no, I’m not going to take it on faith that God has his reasons for the horrors of the world. I just don’t see how to believe in a seriously deranged, dumb-ass higher power like that.

But a god that actually doesn’t exist? Now, that seems to be something I can really get behind.

That’s what I thought, but then, what’s Mr. Chips barking at?

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor. Since 1720.

Sign up for MuddyUm' s The Real Dirt

By MuddyUm

Infecting the World with Humor -- Best of the MuddyUm Humorists  Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

David Milgrim

Written by

Top Writer in Psychology, Satire & Humor; Trying to Feel Okay, One Comic at a Time; Contact me at sitemail1000@gmail.com or www.milgy.com

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

David Milgrim

Written by

Top Writer in Psychology, Satire & Humor; Trying to Feel Okay, One Comic at a Time; Contact me at sitemail1000@gmail.com or www.milgy.com

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store